Need to know if this topic is worth continuing?

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Need to know if this topic is worth continuing?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Sep 28, 2012 12:49 am

Hey people. I'm having a very difficult time with my personal statement and am wondering what you think of this topic. I'm just really unsure if this is going to be something that will impress the adcomm or if I should scrap it and take a different route. I am a 3.4/171 and am applying to several T14's, so let me know if you think this could potentially work into a PS that would push me through.

Start
Most would call an SUV colliding with a cyclist “unfortunate.” For me, it was “serendipity.”

In the summer of 2010, one driver’s negligence resulted in a crash that hurled me onto a path of self-discovery. I was fortunate enough to leave the accident in better shape than my bike, but my subsequent medical bills had done more damage than the collision itself.

My humble request that the driver’s insurer reimburse me for the medical damages as well as the value of my bike were declined, and before I knew it, I found myself in a legal battle, fighting for what I believed I was rightfully due. Having been financially independent since I left for college, I did not have the resources to afford legal counsel, nor was I looking to try and take advantage of the incident. Hence, my only option was to represent myself in court.

The process of crafting an airtight case was gratifying, to say the least. I enjoyed seeking out evidence in order to substantiate any claims I made, mentally preparing myself for any possible questions I would be asked by the judge or opposing legal representative, and becoming versed in the statutes that applied to my case. But even more rewarding was that I felt I had the chance to reverse a great injustice, which was an impactful feeling because so often in this world, injustices persist without contention.

[From here I am thinking of going on to talk about specific "injustices" that bother me and how I think a law degree would empower me to battle said injustice]

Would be interested in any feedback you all have.

canarykb
Posts: 151
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:56 am

Re: Need to know if this topic is worth continuing?

Postby canarykb » Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:49 am

I like the topic a lot. It is a unique one, and I DO want to know more about how it went in court on your own. It also can be used to very clearly show your personal qualities and interest in law. I understand that this is the first draft, but I think what needs to be worked on here is the tone, and the way you are framing your story. Notes below:

Most would call an SUV colliding with a cyclist “unfortunate.” For me, it was “serendipity.” [I have read so many essays that take the line "This HORRIBLE thing happened to me but I'm thankful for it because it showed me who I am." It reads kind of cliche to me now as a framing mechanism for a story. Just say what happened, and how you were affected. You don't have to sound grateful or anything.]

In the summer of 2010, one driver’s negligence resulted in a crash that hurled me onto a path of self-discovery. [This is a little cliche too. I point out cliches a lot when editing, because they take away from your personal voice/make you seem less genuine.] I was fortunate enough to leave the accident in better shape than my bike, but my subsequent medical bills had done more damage than the collision itself.

My humble [Don't use humble here. You're not Oliver Twist. Its also comes off like you weren't self confident enough, which can be negative.] request that the driver’s insurer reimburse me for the medical damages as well as the value of my bike were declined, and before I knew it, I found myself in a legal battle [Don't use passive lang. here. You engaged in a legal battle! Use active verbs to highlight the actions you personally took.], fighting for what I believed I was rightfully due. Having been financially independent since I left for college, I did not have the resources to afford legal counsel, nor was I looking to try and take advantage of the incident. Hence, my only option was to represent myself in court.

The process of crafting an airtight case was gratifying, to say the least. I enjoyed seeking out evidence in order to substantiate any claims I made, mentally preparing myself for any possible questions I would be asked by the judge or opposing legal representative, and becoming versed in the statutes that applied to my case. But even more rewarding was that I felt I had the chance to reverse a great injustice [C'mon, this wasn't a "great injustice", even if the driver's actions were wrong. Going on to compare this to other injustices may come off a little self-important.] , which was an impactful feeling because so often in this world, injustices persist without contention.


I highlighted the specific areas I did because they get to how you are framing the story and the tone you are using. I think the focus should really be on how you were put into a situation where you needed legal representation, and had to represent yourself, and the specifc actions you took to do so. Framing the scenario as both "serendipity" and a "great injustice" is far too heavy-handed, even though you have a compelling story to tell. On the other hand, calling your actions "humble" and writing with passive verbs does not emphasize enough the bold actions you took in this scenario.

There is a lot more to say about the trial process, and I think you can elaborate more on the preparation you did and what happened in court. I personally might not continue on about other injustices. I think comparing your experience to other injustices might not come across very well, and makes the essay less about you. But that's just me and I don't know what you wrote.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273107
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need to know if this topic is worth continuing?

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 01, 2012 10:21 am

Really appreciate the feedback. You gave great commentary and have made me feel far more comfortable in pursuing this topic. I owe you a great debt.




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