Please critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Please critique my PS

Postby usfvictor » Wed Sep 26, 2012 11:19 am

My personal statement. POSITIVE Critique goes a long way . Thank you in advance for taking the time to help.

P.S this is an edited 2nd draft.

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“En la union, esta la fuerza”( In unity, there is strength). Those have been the words that have resonated in my mind for as long as I can remember. As a child, my mother frequently reminded me that no matter the obstacle, there is nothing that people working together cannot overcome. Born in Colombia, I spent the first several years of my life living in a middle class neighborhood of Barranquilla. My father had a decent job as an electrical plant worker and my mom was able to stay at home. We lived a modest life, one that my parents had worked hard to attain and we had more than enough to be happy. When I was 8 years old, my parents and I moved to the United States in hope of pursuing the “American Dream”. My parents left everything they spent their lives working for to give me a chance at a better life. During this move I learned two very important lessons: i.) do not take the sacrifices others make on your behalf for granted; and ii.) make the most of the opportunities given to you.
Like many other Hispanic immigrants, I grew up in an environment where, although loving and caring, I was expected to be responsible, independent and help provide for the family. When I started high school, I also began working to help my parents pay bills. A typical day during consisted of attending class from 7:25 am to 3:00 pm, working from 4:30pm to 10:00pm, and starting on homework promptly at 10:30 pm. During high school, I always felt a little out of place because my lifestyle was atypical compared to my classmates. I attended an affluent public school where most of my classmates didn’t work and the few who did, worked to pay for gas and entertainment. It was difficult at times knowing that my friends were participating in normal afterschool activities while I was rushing to work day after day. I was able to overcome those feelings by staying focused and understanding that my experiences would help accomplish my long term goals. Through hard work and the guidance of my family, I graduated high school with honors and earned a scholarship to attend the University of South Florida, becoming only the second person in my family to attend college.
In college, the world opened up for me. I felt much more comfortable than I had ever felt before. There were new people, new cultures, new foods and for me, a new attitude. During my freshman year, I joined clubs, participated in school and community service events, and eventually joined a latin-based fraternity that focused on community service and cultural awareness. Through my fraternity experiences, I learned to appreciate the differences that make people unique and the common human experiences that can help bring us together. Everything was playing out better than I could have imagined. Then came what has been my most challenging time of my life. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I learned that my girlfriend of 4 years was pregnant and I was going to be a father. I still recall the moment vividly. It was October 13, 2007, two weeks before my birthday. The months that followed were challenging. At times, I couldn’t believe I was in this situation or that I was going to be a father. Later, I became somewhat angry and disappointed in myself. To this point in my life, I had spent a significant amount of time and effort trying to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t going to be a negative minority stereotype, but that’s what I was afraid I would become. As the birth date drew closer, my concern was soon overshadowed by excitement and I became even more motivated and dedicated to accomplishing my goals and being the best person I can be. My daughter was born May 23, 2008. Since her birth, I have committed myself to working towards positively impacting the lives of those around me and to prove to myself and others that hard work and dedication is the recipe for success.
After graduating with my Finance degree in 2010, I began my professional career at a major financial services company on a positive note. I was promoted twice within two years and commended several times for performance and dedication. Recently, I accepted an opportunity at a major healthcare company at which I have a greater amount of responsibility. Hard work, dedication, perseverance, and team work have driven me throughout my childhood and have now translated well in my career. In my short time out of college, I’ve obtained a great job, purchased a home for my family and am now planning to get married the mother of my child. I’ve been able to achieve my own “American Dream”.
Though I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished thus far, I’m still driven to do more. I understand that the practice of law gives me an opportunity to help others who may not have the ability or means to help themselves. I plan on using my background as a way to empathize with people and help them realize that “En la union, esta la fuerza”, that working together we can overcome the obstacles in their way. Although I’m not yet certain of what I will end up doing in the field of law, I am eager to face the challenges ahead. I am confident that my educational and personal experiences, combined with my strong work ethic and desire to help others, will benefit your law program.

VasaVasori
Posts: 573
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:36 pm

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Postby VasaVasori » Thu Sep 27, 2012 8:37 pm

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby usfvictor » Fri Sep 28, 2012 11:19 am

This what great!! Thank you.

usfvictor
Posts: 153
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:51 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby usfvictor » Mon Oct 01, 2012 3:16 pm

This is my second draft. Please help.

--------------------

Born in Colombia, I spent the first several years of my life living in a middle class neighborhood of Barranquilla. My father had a decent job as an electrical plant worker and my mom was able to stay at home. We lived a modest life, one that my parents had worked hard to attain and had enough to be happy. When I was 8 years old, my parents and I moved to the United States hoping to pursue the “American Dream”. My parents left everything they spent their lives working for to give me a chance at a better life. When we arrived, my parents took the best jobs available to them, not a gleaming list to say the least, as they had no handle on the language or much education to their name. My father became a short-order cook and my mother took a job as a daycare worker. With this move I learned two very important lessons: i.) do not take the sacrifices others make on your behalf for granted; and ii.) make the most of the opportunities given to you.
Like many other Hispanic immigrants, I grew up in an environment where, although loving and caring, I was expected to be responsible, independent and help provide for the family. When I started high school, I began working to help my parents pay bills. A typical day consisted of attending class from 7:25am to 3:00pm, working from 4:30pm to 10:00pm, and starting on homework promptly at 10:30pm. During high school, I always felt a little out of place because my lifestyle was atypical compared to my classmates. I attended an affluent public school where most of my classmates didn’t work and the few who did, worked to pay for gas and entertainment. It was difficult at times knowing that my friends were participating in normal afterschool activities while I was rushing to work day after day. I was able to overcome those feelings by staying focused and understanding that my experiences would help accomplish my long term goals. Through hard work and the guidance of my family, I graduated high school with honors and earned a scholarship to attend the University of South Florida, becoming only the second person in my family to attend college.
In college, the world opened up for me. I felt much more comfortable than I had ever felt before. There were new people, new cultures, new foods and for me, a new attitude. During my freshman year, I joined clubs, participated in school and community service events, and eventually joined a latin-based fraternity that focused on community service and cultural awareness. Through my fraternity experiences, I learned to appreciate the differences that make people unique and the common human experiences that can help bring us together. Everything was playing out better than I could have imagined. Then came what has been my most challenging time of my life. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I learned that my girlfriend of 4 years was pregnant and I was going to be a father. I still recall the moment vividly. It was October 13, 2007, two weeks before my birthday. The months that followed were challenging. At times, I couldn’t believe I was in this situation and was doubtful of my future. Later, I became somewhat angry and disappointed in myself. To this point in my life, I had spent a significant amount of time and effort trying to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t going to be a negative minority stereotype, but that’s what I was afraid I would become. As the birth date drew closer, my concern was soon overshadowed by excitement. I became even more motivated and dedicated to accomplishing my goals and being the best person I can be.
My daughter was born May 23, 2008. Since her birth, I have committed myself to working towards positively impacting the lives of those around me and to prove to myself and others that hard work and dedication is the recipe for success. I was able to boost my GPA, was chosen by my fellow fraternity brothers as Brother of the Year, successfully completed my undergraduate internship program and got a job offer from my sponsoring company, all while maintaining my scholarship, working throughout college to provide for my family, and volunteering in various community service events, such as Autism Speaks and Relay for Life.
After graduating with my Finance degree in 2010, I began my professional career at a major financial services company on a positive note. I was promoted twice within two years and commended several times for my performance. Recently, I accepted an opportunity at a major healthcare company at which I have a greater amount of responsibility. Hard work, dedication, and perseverance have driven me throughout my childhood and have now translated well in my career. In my short time out of college, I’ve obtained a great job, purchased a home for my family and am now planning to get married the mother of my child. I’ve been able to achieve my own American Dream.
Though I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished thus far, I’m still driven to do more. Although I’m not yet certain of what I will end up doing in the field of law, it is my hope that I will be able to use the skills taught in law school to transition my career into a corporate compliance role and in my personal time take pro-bono cases, helping others who may not have the ability or means to help themselves. I am confident that my educational and personal experiences, combined with my strong work ethic and desire to help others, will benefit your law program. I am eager to face the challenges ahead.




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