-

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

-

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:45 pm

-

2nd draft time..
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:47 pm

This is too long and it covers basically your entire life. It needs to be shortened significantly and doesn't necessarily have to be your entire life's story.

There's too much going on. Pick one topic and axe the rest.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:56 pm

OP here..

I know it’s too long which is why I posted it here looking for some critiques and editing and to me this is all one topic. I guess you’re saying focus on one book but if that’s the case I obviously can’t choose the ones from high school or before that. This forces me to choose Crimes Against Humanity and while that is significant I feel like it doesn’t make sense without knowing the rest of the story.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:57 pm

Anonymous User wrote:OP here..

I know it’s too long which is why I posted it here looking for some critiques and editing and to me this is all one topic. I guess you’re saying focus on one book but if that’s the case I obviously can’t choose the ones from high school or before that. This forces me to choose Crimes Against Humanity and while that is significant I feel like it doesn’t make sense without knowing the rest of the story.

Then pick a new topic.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:04 pm

Then pick a new topic?

You make that sound extremely easy as if i haven't been struggling with this decision for the past 3 and a half months. I’ve lived an extremely average life no tragedies, hardships, or even some crowning achievement that’s actually worth talking about. Now before you say, those are rare essays, I understand that I’m just saying it makes it significantly harder to pick a topic. This specific topic is actually meaningful to me and is pretty much the reason I want to go into law and become a lawyer.

Instead of the offhanded comments like pick a new topic or axe it and focus on one, maybe a little critique of certain parts of the statement that you thought were too long winded or didn’t add to the whole would have been nice. Maybe going over some ideas to combine paragraphs and cut down words would have actually been helpful and was more along the lines of what I was expecting, but this being the internet and all I guess I expected too much.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:09 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Then pick a new topic?

You make that sound extremely easy as if i haven't been struggling with this decision for the past 3 and a half months. I’ve lived an extremely average life no tragedies, hardships, or even some crowning achievement that’s actually worth talking about. Now before you say, those are rare essays, I understand that I’m just saying it makes it significantly harder to pick a topic. This specific topic is actually meaningful to me and is pretty much the reason I want to go into law and become a lawyer.

Instead of the offhanded comments like pick a new topic or axe it and focus on one, maybe a little critique of certain parts of the statement that you thought were too long winded or didn’t add to the whole would have been nice. Maybe going over some ideas to combine paragraphs and cut down words would have actually been helpful and was more along the lines of what I was expecting, but this being the internet and all I guess I expected too much.

You sound mad.

Anyway, this topic honestly isn't that great. Sorry breh. Feel free to post other ideas you've got and you might be able to get some input on which direction would be good to take.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:17 pm

I'm not mad. I'm just saying you stating axe this and focus on one and pick a new topic seemed pretty offhanded.

At least saying the topic isn't that great is somewhat helpful. Are there any specific things that make this topic bad? I'm really just looking for help. Everything I've seemed to read about personal statements basically says to write a personal statement that is personal to you doesn't say why you want to go to law school out right, gives some of your qualities without saying them completely outright as well as covering some experience that let you grow.

I feel like my personal statement does do all those things. Are there any big errors you noticed upon reading?

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:23 pm

The topic is just really bland, honestly, and I said to axe stuff because it is honestly a chronological account of books you've read (Snoresville) and it is TOO LONG.

You can try this topic, but it needs significant revision where you're either talking about one specific incident, rather than childhood, high school, and college all together. Like I asked before, what else could you write about?

hunter.d
Posts: 144
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:46 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby hunter.d » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:27 pm

We are all in the same boat as you. Don't ask random students for help, sit down with your pre-law advisor or a respected professor. That is where you need to start if you are lacking inspiration

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:31 pm

hunter.d wrote:We are all in the same boat as you. Don't ask random students for help, sit down with your pre-law advisor or a respected professor. That is where you need to start if you are lacking inspiration

lol

Pre-law advisers are a huge fucking flame.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:34 pm

Obviously, that’s been my biggest problem. Like I said before I’ve been trying to write this thing for 3 and a half months well, trying to think of something to write about, and every time I come up with nothing but stuff about books I’ve read and how they influenced me. I really don’t have a single crazy or interesting experience to write about. I haven’t experienced a death in my family, I have both my parents, I’m middle class, I didn’t go abroad in college so I could graduate early and save money, my job before college was as a lifeguard, during college I worked at a liquor store, and since college I’ve been working various temp jobs. The real defining moment for me was reading Crimes Against Humanity making me realize I want to go into Human Rights law. And that isn’t just for the statement, I’ve always had a desire to help people and that desire really did come from read all those fantasy books I did when I was kid. I wanted to be a “hero” you know? But see? Just talking about my life (in terms of thinking about topics) brought me back to the thing that is apparently shit. Oh well man, thanks for the help sorry if I came off like an ass it’s just stressful you know? I get a good GPA a great LSAT and the Personal Statement sinks me.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273348
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:37 pm

hunter.d wrote:We are all in the same boat as you. Don't ask random students for help, sit down with your pre-law advisor or a respected professor. That is where you need to start if you are lacking inspiration



I was originally asking just for a critique on my essay which is what this forum seems to be for. I didn’t intend to be asking random people for help picking a topic, until CorkBoard asked what other topic I could write about, and I’m still not doing that really just getting it all off my chest.
And I did sit down with my pre-law advisor to say he wasn’t much help would probably be the biggest understatement ever.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:38 pm

Fortunately for you, admissions is mostly a numbers game.

That doesn't change my advice, though. At 1200+ words, your statement is overwhelming to read. If you want to talk about that book, go ahead and do it, and repost when you're done.

User avatar
Cobretti
Posts: 2560
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2012 12:45 am

Re: Personal Statement....Please Critique

Postby Cobretti » Wed Sep 12, 2012 4:13 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
hunter.d wrote:We are all in the same boat as you. Don't ask random students for help, sit down with your pre-law advisor or a respected professor. That is where you need to start if you are lacking inspiration



I was originally asking just for a critique on my essay which is what this forum seems to be for. I didn’t intend to be asking random people for help picking a topic, until CorkBoard asked what other topic I could write about, and I’m still not doing that really just getting it all off my chest.
And I did sit down with my pre-law advisor to say he wasn’t much help would probably be the biggest understatement ever.


This forum absolutely is for seeking the kind of help you're asking for, don't listen to hunter. I'll be sure to read your 2nd draft and give feedback.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.