Seeking a constructive critique on my PS draft!! THANKS!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Seeking a constructive critique on my PS draft!! THANKS!!

Postby anb012187 » Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:24 pm

DELETED Thanks for the insight
Last edited by anb012187 on Thu Sep 13, 2012 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Seeking a constructive critique on my PS draft!! THANKS!!

Postby Panth8080 » Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:41 pm

You have definitely provided a very powerful personal statement, and your great courage should hopefully allow you to succeed in law school and beyond. My criticism right now focuses on that next to last paragraph, by which I first mean that "merging international law and human rights" seems too vague of concept. It needs more explanation. Also, while it's great to have a support system in the area, the admissions council won't care if your boyfriend is a farmer or doctor. Nevertheless you obviously have great talent as a writer, and I'm sure other people on this website will post their helpful advice.

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Re: Seeking a constructive critique on my PS draft!! THANKS!!

Postby Cobretti » Tue Sep 11, 2012 5:29 pm

anb012187 wrote:I would greatly appreciate honest (but let's not get too cruel or rude) and constructive feedback to improve my personal statement. Thanks so much for your time and consideration!!!

At 7:30AM lurched over gasping for air, withmy legs furiously burning, and overwhelmed with fatigue, is when the real battle began. For over an hour I had been scaling up and down a steep hill, and with one more set left, every fiber of my body was telling me to abandon the workoutI would change this to leave out workout so it seems more obviously transferable to other parts of your life. But I refused to quit and as I started themy (make it your struggle)last ascent of hill repeats that my coach had tasked the team with, a familiar clash ensued between my mind and body. With each successive uphillstride I took, uphillI had to fight pain and exhaustion with determination and intensity. Only through sheer will was I able to focus and power onward. Six years of similar daily battles on the track<in track practice> had groomed me for more than annual meets and championships; it prepared me for the challenges of life. very nice tie in
The most important value that I learned from track was to respond to adversity with a relentless work ethic and drive for success. My coach often said "It's not how many times you get knocked down; it's how many times you get back up.” It was this particularprinciple that helped me rebuild my life after the night of January 14, 2006. On that night, everything that I once was passionate about dissipated as my “no’s” were perceived to be an inviting tease and my paralytic shock an affirmation of consent.
In the aftermath of my rape I was consumed by embarrassment and shame. Unable to tell my friends and family about the ordeal, I suffered in silence and tried to handle the situation on my own. For over three years I was a victim letting the experience control me. Naively, I had tried to suppress my emotions, finding temporary solace in transferring schools and engaging in other questionable diversions. However, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it the repressed pain and paranoia always seeped to the surface. Often it would manifest at night as I would lie awake wondering if I could have fought harder or screamed louder. The internal anguish of these thoughts of what I should have and could have done differently haunted me and took an enormous toll on all aspects of my life.Excellent job getting your point across but not dwelling on it for sympathy, your quick transition to how you battled back from this is the best part of this PS
Yet, despite the feeling of overwhelming emotional fatigue, I was able to maintain that glimmer of determination and drive that track had instilled in me to never quit. This attitude fueled my resolve to be a survivor, and not the helpless victim I was becoming. My progression from victim to survivor was an arduous endeavor that was neither quick nor straightforwardI'd reword this, seems overly wordy. The journey had many frustrating setbacks, and hard fought triumphs, but ultimately it was an empowering experience where I had to accept accountability for my recovery and, by acknowledging the painful reality of my assault, I recognized that I, not my pain, had control over my life. last sentence needs to be broken up, way too long
I fully embrace every part of this journey, which has tested me in ways that I could have never imagined. All the good, the bad, and the ugly have culminated in a transformation that has not only strengthened my character, but revealed the courage and true resilience of my spirit. Although my experiences have not been entirely unique, my response to these challenges is what has set me apartexcellent humility, will set you apart from many many other applicants. Even as I have stumbled from time to time, I have always found a way to rise above any obstacle life has set before me.
My ambitions to practice law first emerged from a summer IT internship at The United States Supreme Court. While my internship dealt more with computers than law, I took full advantage of the opportunity to attend and learn more about the legal proceedings of the Court, which were fascinating to memaybe change to "which fascinated me", active verbs are more engaging. After a candid conversation with Justice Clarence about the influence of law on society and the individual, I knew that I wanted to pursue a legal career. I am motivated to take on the rigors of the legal profession by the prospect of someday having the ability to be the voice of justice and empowerment not only for the survivors of rape - particularly in countries where it is being used as weapon of war - but also for those whose rights have been infringed upon.sorry to be that guy, but most would argue rape is having your rights infringed upon, so they aren't mutually exclusive. maybe change to "- but also everyone else whose rights have been infringed"
On my quest to find an institution that would allow me to merge my interests in international law and human rights, <> stood out. As one of the nation’s top schools for international law, I believe that <> would provide me with the bestmostin-depth understanding of the concepts and issues in the field. <> also has an impressive study abroad program, which I would like to take advantage of, that allows students to gain a first-hand perspective of international law. Furthermore, <> has several personal appeals for me since a substantial amount of my support system of family and friends resides in the D.C. area and my long-time boyfriend will be attending George Washington’s ophthalmology program.
With a unique and diverse combination of experience and skills, I know that I can be an asset to <> as well as the legal profession. Through my professional experience I have demonstrated an ability to assimilate information quickly, balance time among several competing interests, and be a capable leader with a commitment to hard work and perseverance. I would introduce these themes earlier with a brief example for each one. Everyone says they have excellent work ethic, leadership and intelligence on their PS; you need to say why or the adcomm wil just roll their eyesWhile I may not fit the typical mold of <>, I am confident that my determination and dedication, which made me a competitive athlete and survivor, will help me to achieve success at <> . There is nothing I am more proud of doing than persevering.

Overall really great story and structure. You especially did a great job of not dwelling on the hardships in your journey, but instead focusing on how you've used them to improve yourself. You'll notice I took out some stuff that may seem trivial, I really try to refrain from sounding overly wordy whenever possible but that's just me. You were missing quite a bit of punctuation, which I added, so keep an eye out for the new commas. Hope this helped.

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