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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:03 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Oct 09, 2012 4:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273104
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:05 pm

Bump

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Cobretti
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Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby Cobretti » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:23 pm

I think it may be a useful anecdote, but probably not more than half a page. I think it would be really important to see how you connect this to excelling in law school before I could really say.

If you are trying to say you work well under pressure I would emphasize that more from the beginning. Focus more on your actions during the event, if this story is worth telling an adcomm its only to see how you reacted in it. It sounds like a terrible situation, and I hope lilly was OK, but unless they can take away from the story that you reacted in a way that makes them want to admit you, it doesn't really serve a purpose. I'd try re-writing it real quick with a stronger emphasis on your actions during the event, how you managed the stress of it and stayed strong for your kids, etc.

Also I really like your writing style, you paint a very vivid picture of the event. Use those skills to focus on you more and it could be great.

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CorkBoard
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Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:49 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Tears well up in my eyes, head in my hands, pain radiating from what will be diagnosed as compression fractures of both index fingers in the morning. I hope I have done all I can; her fate is in the hands of the surgeons now. My daughters, aged 10 and 6, are shell-shocked and I cannot hold them because I am covered in Lily’s blood. The vet had never seen a case as bad as Lily’s before with the dog surviving. At 4 months of age, it is woefully too short of a life to have led.

An hour earlier, I had come home from work to find the girls in bed for school in the morning, my husband sitting on the sofa watching the 10 o’clock news, and Lily sitting awkwardly on the loveseat licking her belly where the spay incision from three days ago was. Like a zipper had been pulled dark pink started to peek out from the top of her incision. I rushed over and grabbed Lily by the neck to keep her from chewing on her intestines that had spilled out of her now gaping incision. I screamed for Jason to wake the girls, we couldn’t leave them sleeping at home when we went to the emergency vet hospital. En route, confused and in pain, Lily had bitten my hands that were wrapped around her throat to try to get to her intestines. Seven minutes after Lily’s incision popped open, we were pulling into the parking lot of the 24-hour emergency vet hospital. My khaki pants were stained almost totally crimson from being soaked in Lily’s blood. As I carried Lily into the waiting room, the vet tech gasped at the severity of her wounds. Helping hands hurried into action and Lily was rushed back behind closed doors to be stabilized. It is only after the immediate crisis has ended that I allow myself a moment to exhale.

This is way too dramatic, honestly. It needs to be toned down. That being said, it is POSSIBLE that you could write about it, but it's not DEFINITE that this would be a good topic because you only wrote out two paragraphs that literally say tell us nothing more than XYZ event happened. A lot of people write about a lot of different things, but this isn't really developed enough for a concrete "yes, this is worth writing about".

hamsamitchguy03
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Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2011 12:30 pm

Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby hamsamitchguy03 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 10:12 am

edited for brevity
Last edited by hamsamitchguy03 on Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

underperformingurm
Posts: 24
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Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby underperformingurm » Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:31 am

I don't see the point of this story. It's very graphic and way too shocking.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft fragment. Is there something here worth expanding?

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:09 am

I was thinking about crafting this into a "think on my feet, good in a crisis" example.
I just didn't want to put anymore effort into it if it wasn't going to go anywhere.

Thanks for the advice.




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