First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:35 pm

EDIT: Thanks guys, I think I got the feedback I was looking for.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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nickb285
Posts: 1500
Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:25 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby nickb285 » Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:48 pm

I would rewrite. The philosophy is fairly obscure, and uninteresting to anyone without a passion for formal philosophy. My eyes started glazing over about halfway through the second paragraph. I'm also still not clear as to why you no longer think teaching is the best way to impart knowledge. A focus on wanting to help others is good, but all you've really got here is "I like teaching, I currently teach, but for some reason I want to 'master this craft' of law to help people instead." Probably best to start over.

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bobbypin
Posts: 256
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:50 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby bobbypin » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:23 pm

I am not a fan of this topic at all. What information are you trying to impart on the admissions staff? After reading that, I still don't know anything about you.
I think you need a different topic altogether. Sorry.

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kwais
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Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: First Draft

Postby kwais » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:30 pm

agree with what others posted. Also, the "dilemma" seems decidedly uncomplicated. The dude couldn't reconcile two systems, one of which was based on his own superstitions, so he decided not to. Big deal. I'm only saying that because your massive breakthrough just comes across as anti-climactic. I think you should start over, dig deeper and leave out the philosophy name-dropping. You are a good writer though. very smooth, nothing awkward besides the content.

Swimp
Posts: 493
Joined: Sat May 26, 2012 9:32 am

Re: First Draft

Postby Swimp » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:45 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Pomponazzi resolved the dilemma, but only by cutting himself off from the Aristotelianism that comprised his life’s work


This is pedantic, but I think the word you want is "composed" or "constituted."

As for the broader essay--I thought there was too much philosophy and not enough you. I can't think of a way to fix that particular problem, so if I were you, I'd probably scrap it and try to think of something new.




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