Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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airbud
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Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

Postby airbud » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:47 pm

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Last edited by airbud on Sun Sep 09, 2012 12:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Cobretti
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Re: Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:08 pm

Very impressive PS. First of all, I served in OEF as an airborne dari linguist, flying out of KAF. I share all of your feelings on the corruption in the ANA/ANP, and the possible futility of it all. But with that being said I think your second to last paragraph may be hurting you.

I know you want to talk about the frustrations with the hypocrisy and corruption that you dealt with, but I think it is derailing the goal of your PS. Maybe if you dwell less on those problems towards the end, and instead summarize them briefly but then say something like in spite of it all you focused on the human beings you were sent to help because that was all that mattered. you did everything in your power to improve that small part of helmund without the luxury of being able to worry about outside forces undoing all of your hard work, because that was your commitment to those Afghans.

I say this because while it is an incredibly complex and ugly situation, I think in its current form you are detracting from what you did.

Also as a side note, many schools ask for personal statements that are 3 or even 4 pages long. You should look at the individual applications of all the schools you are applying to and see which ones want a longer PS. These schools often ask for a longer PS for a reason and it is in your best interest to give them a more in depth PS than the more typical 2 pager.

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Cobretti
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Re: Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:12 pm

to expand on that i can tell you were already going for basically what i was saying. i just think you may want to focus less on the helplessness of the situation and spend more time in that paragraph talking about how you still continued to push to help the people you were assigned to.

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Cobretti
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Re: Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:16 pm

3rd machine gun post... sorry

actually if you want to go into that much detail i think if you put it towards the beginning of the PS it would help you a lot. using that to set the stage for the obstacles you had to overcome, and then ending on a stronger "this is how i overcame these problems as best i could" would leave the reader with a much stronger appreciation for everything you did.

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airbud
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Re: Edit Please: P.S. About Afghanistan, Draft 1

Postby airbud » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:39 pm

mrpizza - yep, I think you're spot on. I need to find a better way to touch, but not dwell, on the sense of hopelessness as an obstacle. I think a better way to do that is to cut it a bit and move towards the beginning.

Anyone else?




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