Please read and critique my PS...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
20130414
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Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 20130414 » Fri Sep 07, 2012 10:06 pm

EDIT
Last edited by 20130414 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

VasaVasori
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Postby VasaVasori » Fri Sep 07, 2012 10:25 pm

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ti Malice
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby Ti Malice » Fri Sep 07, 2012 11:57 pm

dmgoor01 wrote:Let me know what you all think. Thank you very much....-->

It could be said that I’ve never quite taken what society would define as the conventional, or ‘normal’ path in achieving any of the goals in my life. I’ve been described as exceptional and innovative, strong-willed and driven by results, as well as being designated a trailblazer throughout each of my academic and professional accomplishments. My dream of serving as legal counsel to a major corporation could be defined as a traditional or ‘normal’ occupation to many, but the commitment and dedication that I have poured into fulfilling this dream is unparalleled by the countless number of other individuals who maintain similar aspirations as I. To validate these bold statements, I must unpack the intellectual and professional culture that I have immersed myself in that will present the unique path that has led me to the decision to pursue a legal degree.

While most of my peers in high school worked retail, fast food, or as clerks at the local grocery store, I opted to intern with my elected state representative in his district office in my hometown of [X], California. I had always held a propensity for understanding issues surrounding state government from a young age, and took it upon myself to manifest these pressing issues facing the Central Valley on an individual, case-by-case basis with the constituents of our district. I was a part of organizing and facilitating two statewide town hall budget meetings, in addition to researching and producing political literature on the complex $41 billion budget that made it simpler for constituents to understand.

While most of my peers upon graduating high school stayed in the area for college or stayed within a short distance from home, I followed my own course and attended a small, private University in [X], Colorado, on a tennis scholarship. I wanted an opportunity to experience life from a fresh lens, and surround myself with a new environment that would provide a far more expansive view of the world than I was accustomed to. I thrived immediately in my new setting, and in just two short years, was a co-founder of the college’s business club, in addition to starting a political advocacy club from the ground up. Professionally, I formed my own independent contracting L.L.C. in IT, learning what it was like to work upwards twelve hours a day, to communicate with business executives, and to take initiative; with the enterprise being run out of a college dorm room.

While most of my peers would have been content with these circumstances, I saw a higher ceiling of potential for myself, and upon completion of my sophomore year, transferred to the University of [X] in Kentucky. In a larger university with far more resources and opportunities, I took full advantage of my new environment. I was elected as vice-president of the finance club, was a participant in the CFA Global Investment Research Challenge, and was hired as an intern at a boutique asset management firm. I am currently in the process of creating the first ever student managed investment fund, in which upper-level finance students will be responsible for managing a portion of the University of Louisville’s endowment.

Now, you may be wondering what exactly the testimonies of my entrepreneurial leadership have anything to do with attending [your law school]. And the answer is simple: you will be accepting an individual who is highly motivated and will work relentlessly to achieve success in my legal career. You will be enrolling a student that will engage inside and outside of the classroom, seeking opportunities on campus within legal societies and attaining valuable internship experiences. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you will be graduating an individual who will represent [your law school] with the utmost competence and highest respect as a corporate attorney throughout my legal career.


This is actually the type of PS that could cause you to underperform your numbers. You really show a stunning lack of self-awareness in having written it. Aside from disposing the typical reader to find you a narcissistic ass, which is quite bad enough, you write poorly. From turgid, amateurish prose to elementary grammatical and word usage errors, this piece is a mess.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:28 pm

You're not a special snowflake nor are you better than anyone else just because you did things differently than your peers.

HTH.

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goldenflash19
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby goldenflash19 » Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:58 pm

dmgoor01 wrote:While most of my peers in high school worked retail, fast food, or as clerks at the local grocery store, I opted to intern with my elected state representative in his district office in my hometown of [X], California.

While most of my peers upon graduating high school stayed in the area for college or stayed within a short distance from home,

While most of my peers would have been content with these circumstances, I saw a higher ceiling of potential for myself


If you're going to spend your whole PS talking about how you're better than others, at least use a different phrase to introduce the idea. Pretty sure I would rather admit someone with lower numbers than someone with this PS.

suzige
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby suzige » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:00 pm

I couldn't get past your first paragraph. Too vague and impersonal.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:43 pm

Okay so...

1). I'm sure along the way someone told you to "sell" yourself to the admission's committee, but the way that you do it is very off-putting. (As I'm sure you've concluded from the replies to your PS ITT.) The reason for this is that you don't merely try to show yourself in a positive light, you try to steal that light from others. I'm sure that you worked very hard to get where you are, but the fact is there are people who have done far more impressive things than you have. For you to applaud yourself for your (by comparison) average achievements it does prompt some serious eye-rolling.

2). Beyond the general tone of your PS, it also reads like a resume dump. You go from one topic to the next telling us things that we could probably figure out simply by reading your resume. You don't want to waste two pages telling the adcomm something about yourself that they have already learned. Use this opportunity to tell them something about yourself that they don't know. Tell us something unique about yourself. Tell us something that makes us remember you, not because you come across as pompous but because you're someone we want to know.

3). The one part of your PS that I think is positive is your general sentiment that you push yourself to do better and that you're always striving to improve yourself, but there are other ways to show the adcomm that you have this quality. Perhaps pick one small situation where you really pushed something along. Show us how you improved the situation and how that helped you to grow as a person.

collegebum1989
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby collegebum1989 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:34 am

This essay reads as a college kid who "thinks" he/she knows the real world is because of some experiences in some extracurricular clubs. The narrative you draw from your experiences are so broad that it just seems like you're trying too hard to impress the admissions officers. And if TLS'ers aren't impressed, they definitely won't be either.

You also continuously tell the reader what his/her opinion on you should be, which only means that the experiences you mention in your essay aren't substantial enough as written to show them. General rule of thumb: if you have to tell the reader how to feel about yourself, then you cheapen the overall message.

I suggest you start over and focus more on an aspect of your personality that you want to demonstrate to the reader rather than regurgitate your accomplishments. Finally, tone down the rhetoric and tone, there is a fine line between confident and arrogant, and your essay definitely comes off as arrogant.

patentlybored
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby patentlybored » Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:37 am

This is clearly a troll. ugh

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06102016
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 06102016 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 2:07 am

..

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specialsnowflake
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby specialsnowflake » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:40 pm

retake your LSAT*

*in reference to your chances thread

20130414
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 20130414 » Wed Sep 12, 2012 6:48 pm

EDIT
Last edited by 20130414 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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meshugaat
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby meshugaat » Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:32 am

dmgoor01 wrote:Is this better


No. It's still a resume dump which, even without your "strong rhetoric," is boring and still gives me the impression that you really think a lot of yourself. Surely your resume and your recommendations will reflect what you are trying to convey here, and they will certainly do so in a way that doesn't make you sound like a pompous robot. Pick a different topic that presents you as the type of person the rest of us, and more specifically the adcomms, would want to be around for three years.

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06102016
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 06102016 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:49 am

..

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Cobretti
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby Cobretti » Thu Sep 13, 2012 11:23 am

Would be nice if people gave this much feedback to reasonable ones

zabava
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby zabava » Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:04 am

I feel like the revision just made it worse, before at least you had the however-horrible theme of "im better than everyone else" uniting your ps, now its just a written resume, like everyone is saying.

If you really want to talk about all the things you did, maybe you want to restructure the thing about you repeatedly surpassing your own expectations? Kill the first paragraph, of course, but it could add some humility and personality.

20130414
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 5:40 pm

Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 20130414 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:09 pm

EDIT
Last edited by 20130414 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

endless_sekai
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby endless_sekai » Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:00 pm

Im going to agree with the general sentiment on your first two PS, first one seemed a little arrogant, second was too much like a resume with some biographical background. I liked that you removed some of the lines that came off as arrogant in making the transition to the first to the second, but then you took the life out of the first once and hence why it felt like a resume with biographical background. Good news is your taking peoples feed back and actually applying it. However, the third PS while definitely a different direction feels like a PS for business school instead of law school. I know you included the law school tilt in the last paragraph, but you it really doesn't come off strong. Literally the 3rd ps reads as you just pronounced your undying love for finance, but at the end you flip it by saying thats why I want to become a lawyer..... uh what? Its just like the lawyer thing comes out of left field. Your PS should not read like a novel with a twist ending.

If you want to keep the finance theme you I would consider doing the following, ditch the 2nd paragraph.

You will need to have a little transition from that first paragraph to your college experience, so you should have something like the first line of the 3rd paragraph. Then, you mentioned in one of the earlier PSes some extracurricular or class where the students managed that, explain how managing/participating in that really got you interested in the regulations and the legal aspects of finance. Then you can conclude however you want. Or you can do something like saying how studying and researching finance instilled in you qualities that will make you successful in law school.

Again you should be able to see the logical connection between law school and your love for something else. Especially if your using the anecdote route.

If you have trouble salvaging the topic, I would recommend this. You have posted three PSes now, 2 with the same theme and 1 with a different them. I would brainstorm a few more theme/PS directions, then I would flesh them out in a paragraph or two short paragraphs and post them here. And keep in mind the following, a PS should hit on these three things. (1) It needs a "decent" tie in to law (whether it is personal characteristics that make you good for the field or a reason for pursuing law), (2) plausibility of that tie in, and (3) positive appeal. So, lets review your statements submitted so far, PS1 and PS2, clearly had (1) and (2), but both lacked (3). In your third ps, you finally had some of (3). But, you lacked (1) and (2).

20130414
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 5:40 pm

Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby 20130414 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:49 pm

EDIT
Last edited by 20130414 on Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: Please read and critique my PS...

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:59 pm

Focus more on what you love about finance and how that ties into law school. Focus less on how an interest in finances makes you different (and better) than your peers. Doing the latter is off-putting and just makes you seem like a douche-striver. The versions have gotten progressively better, but they all still contain language that make you seem like a douche-striver. This makes me think you really are just a douche-striver lacking in self-awareness. So maybe the best advice is to write a personal statement that isn't an accurate reflection of who you are.




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