Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Cobretti
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Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:52 pm

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Last edited by Cobretti on Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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shifty_eyed
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby shifty_eyed » Fri Sep 07, 2012 11:56 am

I think it's really good, but I'd take out the "moral" part in your last sentence. (full disclosure: I only skimmed this)

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Fri Sep 07, 2012 5:48 pm

Hey any feedback is great. You're probably right though, I don't necessarily directly support that in the rest of the PS

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:42 am

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Last edited by Cobretti on Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:49 am

I like this, but I edited out some things and added punctuation where necessary.

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:40 pm

Thanks Cork, appreciate it.

I probably do need to explain the tie in with Afghanistan --> appreciation for law more. I was just trying to wrap it up real quick at the end since I went on with my story for so long.

What about instead of

I want to study law because of my experiences in the military, where I saw first-hand what happens to a society without laws. When I was deployed to Afghanistan I gained a new understanding of how important it is to have a structured legal system. huh? Random It is with this fundamental appreciation of law’s impact that I plan to pursue a successful career as a lawyer

I make it...

I want to study law because of my experiences while deployed, where I saw first-hand what happens to society without laws. War is inherently violent and chaotic, it represents everything that the first law codes were intended to prevent. I have always understood that without laws to hold society together, we would be at risk of devolving to a state of anarchy. After deploying, however, I finally understand what is truly at stake. It is with this unique appreciation for law's importance to civil society that I plan to pursue a meaningful career as a lawyer.



I don't want to sound overly "preachy" or like I have PTSD, so if this is too much let me know and I'll dial it back. I think you're right that I do need to talk about this more to tie in why I want to study law, so I'll work on it some more. Thanks again

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CorkBoard
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:24 pm

I think the paragraph itself is fine.

"After deployment, I have a better understanding of what is truly at stake" might sound better, though.

suzige
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby suzige » Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:57 pm

Very nice. I think you should change your verbs from past perfect to simple past tense to make it move a bit faster and really capture the essence of what you are conveying. Ex:

I quickly changed a few of the verb tenses here. I'd say, try reading it out loud a few times and see if there's anywhere in it that you feel like your tumbling over the words a bit.

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:25 pm

suzige wrote:Very nice. I think you should change your verbs from past perfect to simple past tense to make it move a bit faster and really capture the essence of what you are conveying. Ex:

CorkBoard wrote:Keep your head down, roll with the insanity, don’t let them get to you. This was my mantra as I was standing in my first formation at Basic Military Training, waiting to meet our training instructors. I had enlisted in the Air Force for two main reasons: to expand my worldview and to learn discipline. Quietly standing on my number in our crude formation, I was painfully aware that this was the calm before the storm. I had doneextensively researched on what to expect from basic training, and the best advice I could find found was keep your head down, roll with the insanity, don’t let them get to you. As I was calmly collecting collected myself for what was headed my way, I heard what must have been the same sounds the first guards of the Bastille heard. It was the sound of heavy boots and screaming, and I knew I was its chosen victim.


I quickly changed a few of the verb tenses here. I'd say, try reading it out loud a few times and see if there's anywhere in it that you feel like your tumbling over the words a bit.


Wow you're absolutely right. My single biggest goal for this thing was to make it engaging, and that change makes it much more engaging with its simplicity. You guys are helping much more than i thought i'd find on an internet forum, seriously appreciate everything.

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:14 pm

.X.
Last edited by Cobretti on Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Cobretti
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Cobretti » Tue Sep 11, 2012 5:37 pm

bump

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Elahrairah
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Re: Keep re-writing this thing, need some feedback!

Postby Elahrairah » Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:52 pm

This is a compelling and well-written statement that should make you stand out for good reasons. There is a shift in theme in the last paragraph, but I didn't find it too jarring or confusing. It follows from and builds on what comes before. You could try to tie together more tightly your motivation and your leadership skills, but it reads fine as-is. I do think, though, that putting the "My background..." sentence earlier in that paragraph and ending with "I have decided to pursue a career as a lawyer" would improve it. That's a strong ending line.




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