Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273121
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 05, 2012 5:43 pm

“Mijo, I’m in [my city] and I need your help”, he said. Waking up to the sound of my father’s voice, I was shocked as it had been well over a year since I had last heard from him. This was such a bittersweet feeling, as I wondered why my father had not called me in so long. At the same time, hearing his voice caused a euphoric feeling that rushed through my body. During the months that followed, more frequent contact with my father changed the way I thought about him as well as my future outlook on life. It was important for me to understand my father and the life that he had lived, so I enjoyed the time I spent with him as well as his countless stories. Such time with my father allowed me to truly understand his lack of consideration and attention towards my childhood for the very first time. Such understanding came from the realization that my father was a recovering meth addict. While I knew that his addiction had caused severe pain to my family and I, helping my father quickly became my priority, as aggravating it was. As time passed, my university grades began to falter. It took me a while to realize the financial and emotional consequences of putting my father before myself. As the effects of making my father my priority were finally coming to fruition, I realized that there was no way I could take care of my father without first taking care of myself. I needed to reprioritize my life from this point on and find what truly would lead me to a happy and healthy life. As a result, my journey for personal growth began.

For the next four years, I worked intensely to ground myself academically and personally. I wanted nothing more than to challenge and immerse myself into something that would refocus my thoughts from the challenges I faced growing up. As the first college enrollee in my entire family, the path towards being the first graduate in my family would be an unfamiliar one. I realized that my hard work had begun to pay off when I was able to land a job working part-time at the [law firm]. I felt accomplished being able to support myself and help my mother with the bills. Working at the [law firm] taught me how to engage with professionals on a daily basis; during my time working in this environment, I was also taking a full course load. Despite this great experience, I still sought further self-reflection. I wanted to find out what the purpose of my being was in this world. My curiosity about the wisdom behind human existence prompted me to choose Philosophy as my field of study.

While many would go on to tell me that Philosophy would be a waste of an education, I felt the contrary. I had this intuitive feeling that necessitated the search for answers, to ensure that my time on this earth was as purposeful as possible. I was soon enrolling in Philosophy courses that dealt with topics such as existentialism, metaphysics, moral and political philosophy. Each of these topics expanded my train of thought; I was quickly learning and utilizing my new understanding about world. At this point in time, I was training my brain to have an absorbent characteristic, learning from professors who I eventually grew fond of. My goal became to understand the things that were unfamiliar to me. Nevertheless, I worked very hard every day to learn something new or to see an old issue from new and multiple perspectives. It was through this new outlook and diligent effort that I was then awarded the [award here], which recognizes distinguished achievement by a student in overcoming personal, economic, or physical obstacles in completing a degree at the [university here]. It is sort of a truism of this world that the problems we face look different from different vantage points, and that was something important to realize early on in my life. By receiving this award, I finally felt as if my time spent on school was more than just time well spent. Studying philosophy has taught me that there is a lot more to life than what most people think and more than what society has imposed into my young mind.

My years of work experience and education in Philosophy have allowed me to sharply hone my analytic and communicative skills beyond anything that I could have imagined. My interests in the intricacies of philosophical thought have led the drive of my interest in the perplexing subject of law and the way it applies to society. I am confident that I will succeed in law school, despite its challenging environment. By fusing my knowledge and experience, I have created a personal understanding of what I am here for and what I must set out to do. Completing law school is definitely the next goal in my life and yet, I am certain that it will not be my last.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273121
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:47 pm

No one...?

User avatar
Liquox
Posts: 273
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

Postby Liquox » Wed Sep 05, 2012 10:00 pm

i'll give it a quick edit.


Anonymous User wrote:“Mijo, I’m in [my city] and I need your help”, he said.
no quotes. almost two out of every 3 people on tls start with quotes, and it's almost never a good idea.

Waking up to the sound of my father’s voice, I was shocked as it had been well over a year since I had last heard from him. This was such a bittersweet feeling, as I wondered why my father had not called me in so long.

watch out for adjectives; they connote beating around the bush
At the same time, hearing his voice caused a euphoric feeling that rushed through my body. During the months that followed, more frequent contact with my father changed the way I thought about him as well as my future outlook on life. It was important for me to understand my father and the life that he had lived, so I enjoyed the time I spent with him as well as his countless stories. Such time with my father allowed me to truly understand his lack of consideration and attention towards my childhood for the very first time. Such understanding came from the realization that my father was a recovering meth addict. While I knew that his addiction had caused severe pain to my family and I, helping my father quickly became my priority, as aggravating it was. As time passed, my university grades began to falter. It took me a while to realize the financial and emotional consequences of putting my father before myself. As the effects of making my father my priority were finally coming to fruition, I realized that there was no way I could take care of my father without first taking care of myself. I needed to reprioritize my life from this point on and find what truly would lead me to a happy and healthy life. As a result, my journey for personal growth began.

For the next four years, I worked intensely to ground myself academically and personally. I wanted nothing more than to challenge and immerse myself into something that would refocus my thoughts from the challenges I faced growing up. As the first college enrollee in my entire family, the path towards being the first graduate in my family would be an unfamiliar one. I realized that my hard work had begun to pay off when I was able to land a job working part-time at the [law firm]. I felt accomplished being able to support myself and help my mother with the bills. Working at the [law firm] taught me how to engage with professionals on a daily basis; during my time working in this environment, I was also taking a full course load. Despite this great experience, I still sought further self-reflection. I wanted to find out what the purpose of my being was in this world. My curiosity about the wisdom behind human existence prompted me to choose Philosophy as my field of study.

good use of facts in the beginning. the end is too wordy. ex: "Despite this great experience, I still sought further self-reflection." is unnecessary and too long for a transition.

While many would go on to tell me that Philosophy would be a waste of an education, I felt the contrary. I had this intuitive feeling that necessitated the search for answers, to ensure that my time on this earth was as purposeful as possible. I was soon enrolling in Philosophy courses that dealt with topics such as existentialism, metaphysics, moral and political philosophy. Each of these topics expanded my train of thought; I was quickly learning and utilizing my new understanding about world. At this point in time, I was training my brain to have an absorbent characteristic, learning from professors who I eventually grew fond of. My goal became to understand the things that were unfamiliar to me. Nevertheless, I worked very hard every day to learn something new or to see an old issue from new and multiple perspectives. It was through this new outlook and diligent effort that I was then awarded the [award here], which recognizes distinguished achievement by a student in overcoming personal, economic, or physical obstacles in completing a degree at the [university here]. It is sort of a truism of this world that the problems we face look different from different vantage points, and that was something important to realize early on in my life. By receiving this award, I finally felt as if my time spent on school was more than just time well spent. Studying philosophy has taught me that there is a lot more to life than what most people think and more than what society has imposed into my young mind.

My years of work experience and education in Philosophy have allowed me to sharply hone my analytic and communicative skills beyond anything that I could have imagined. My interests in the intricacies of philosophical thought have led the drive of my interest in the perplexing subject of law and the way it applies to society. I am confident that I will succeed in law school, despite its challenging environment. By fusing my knowledge and experience, I have created a personal understanding of what I am here for and what I must set out to do. Completing law school is definitely the next goal in my life and yet, I am certain that it will not be my last.

last two paragraphs: very abstract; reads likes lots of opinions and goals. where's your demonstration? many applicants will boast about their analytic skills, but unless you've got numbers higher than the average bear applicant, throw in specific examples

Anonymous User
Posts: 273121
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:21 pm

Liquox wrote:i'll give it a quick edit.


Anonymous User wrote:“Mijo, I’m in [my city] and I need your help”, he said.
no quotes. almost two out of every 3 people on tls start with quotes, and it's almost never a good idea.

Waking up to the sound of my father’s voice, I was shocked as it had been well over a year since I had last heard from him. This was such a bittersweet feeling, as I wondered why my father had not called me in so long.

watch out for adjectives; they connote beating around the bush
At the same time, hearing his voice caused a euphoric feeling that rushed through my body. During the months that followed, more frequent contact with my father changed the way I thought about him as well as my future outlook on life. It was important for me to understand my father and the life that he had lived, so I enjoyed the time I spent with him as well as his countless stories. Such time with my father allowed me to truly understand his lack of consideration and attention towards my childhood for the very first time. Such understanding came from the realization that my father was a recovering meth addict. While I knew that his addiction had caused severe pain to my family and I, helping my father quickly became my priority, as aggravating it was. As time passed, my university grades began to falter. It took me a while to realize the financial and emotional consequences of putting my father before myself. As the effects of making my father my priority were finally coming to fruition, I realized that there was no way I could take care of my father without first taking care of myself. I needed to reprioritize my life from this point on and find what truly would lead me to a happy and healthy life. As a result, my journey for personal growth began.

For the next four years, I worked intensely to ground myself academically and personally. I wanted nothing more than to challenge and immerse myself into something that would refocus my thoughts from the challenges I faced growing up. As the first college enrollee in my entire family, the path towards being the first graduate in my family would be an unfamiliar one. I realized that my hard work had begun to pay off when I was able to land a job working part-time at the [law firm]. I felt accomplished being able to support myself and help my mother with the bills. Working at the [law firm] taught me how to engage with professionals on a daily basis; during my time working in this environment, I was also taking a full course load. Despite this great experience, I still sought further self-reflection. I wanted to find out what the purpose of my being was in this world. My curiosity about the wisdom behind human existence prompted me to choose Philosophy as my field of study.

good use of facts in the beginning. the end is too wordy. ex: "Despite this great experience, I still sought further self-reflection." is unnecessary and too long for a transition.

While many would go on to tell me that Philosophy would be a waste of an education, I felt the contrary. I had this intuitive feeling that necessitated the search for answers, to ensure that my time on this earth was as purposeful as possible. I was soon enrolling in Philosophy courses that dealt with topics such as existentialism, metaphysics, moral and political philosophy. Each of these topics expanded my train of thought; I was quickly learning and utilizing my new understanding about world. At this point in time, I was training my brain to have an absorbent characteristic, learning from professors who I eventually grew fond of. My goal became to understand the things that were unfamiliar to me. Nevertheless, I worked very hard every day to learn something new or to see an old issue from new and multiple perspectives. It was through this new outlook and diligent effort that I was then awarded the [award here], which recognizes distinguished achievement by a student in overcoming personal, economic, or physical obstacles in completing a degree at the [university here]. It is sort of a truism of this world that the problems we face look different from different vantage points, and that was something important to realize early on in my life. By receiving this award, I finally felt as if my time spent on school was more than just time well spent. Studying philosophy has taught me that there is a lot more to life than what most people think and more than what society has imposed into my young mind.

My years of work experience and education in Philosophy have allowed me to sharply hone my analytic and communicative skills beyond anything that I could have imagined. My interests in the intricacies of philosophical thought have led the drive of my interest in the perplexing subject of law and the way it applies to society. I am confident that I will succeed in law school, despite its challenging environment. By fusing my knowledge and experience, I have created a personal understanding of what I am here for and what I must set out to do. Completing law school is definitely the next goal in my life and yet, I am certain that it will not be my last.

last two paragraphs: very abstract; reads likes lots of opinions and goals. where's your demonstration? many applicants will boast about their analytic skills, but unless you've got numbers higher than the average bear applicant, throw in specific examples


Thank you for that! I definitely agree with your advice.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273121
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Need some ppl to crit/eval my PS using the new anon feature.

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:24 pm

Bump. Looking for someone to critically destroy my PS.




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