please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Doovyhan
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 10:32 pm

please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby Doovyhan » Tue Sep 04, 2012 11:12 pm

Thanks everyone!
Last edited by Doovyhan on Mon Sep 10, 2012 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Danteshek
Posts: 2172
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:40 pm

Re: please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby Danteshek » Tue Sep 04, 2012 11:35 pm

Sucks. Scrap it. You say that you care about transgenders but you obviously want to become a corporate lawyer. If you didn't want to become a corporate lawyer you wouldn't have been working at a corporate law firm. This PS screams that you are a massive hypocrite.

Doovyhan
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 10:32 pm

Re: please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby Doovyhan » Tue Sep 04, 2012 11:49 pm

well I don't think I implied that I want to become a corporate lawyer. It was true that I wanted to work for a big company before, so I got a job at a financial research firm as an intern, just to build some job experience. But the experience did motivate me again to go to a law school, that's certain.

I still appreciate your feedback. I take it as that "your essay doesn't sound very sincere/genuine." That's surely a criticism, so thank you for that. But it comes as a shock that this essay is enough of an evidence to call me a hypocrite....it's a little disappointing.

I really don't know how convincing I can be when I scream out "I am not a hypocrite" on this forum, but that's surely not what I intended and this essay, for the record, is based on my own experience.

VasaVasori
Posts: 573
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:36 pm

.

Postby VasaVasori » Tue Sep 04, 2012 11:57 pm

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rad21
Posts: 29
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 11:26 am

Re: please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby rad21 » Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:28 am

Doovyhan wrote:well I don't think I implied that I want to become a corporate lawyer. It was true that I wanted to work for a big company before, so I got a job at a financial research firm as an intern, just to build some job experience. But the experience did motivate me again to go to a law school, that's certain.

I still appreciate your feedback. I take it as that "your essay doesn't sound very sincere/genuine." That's surely a criticism, so thank you for that. But it comes as a shock that this essay is enough of an evidence to call me a hypocrite....it's a little disappointing.

I really don't know how convincing I can be when I scream out "I am not a hypocrite" on this forum, but that's surely not what I intended and this essay, for the record, is based on my own experience.


I didn't think you implied anything about wanting to be a corporate lawyer either; I'm not sure I would worry about that. No offense, but it seems like so many of these start of with some vague hyper-adjective poetic babble: "timidly . . . squeak . . . luscious hair . . . " etc. Why not just jump right into it? Something like: "My first day at work was a little unusual. It turned out that my manager may have been a man before she was a woman." Or something like that. It would catch my attention. Then again, I'm no creative writer, so . . . grain of salt and so forth.

Doovyhan
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 10:32 pm

Re: please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby Doovyhan » Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:55 am

Vasa

Thank you for offering your keen perspective! Yes, I think you are right on the distinction. I might have ended up making a rookie mistake if not for your input. And yes, it seemed too dull to me as well, so I was worried, too. I don't know how to make it interesting though...

Rad

Thank you for your reply! I think I can save some more space by getting rid of superfluous adjectives and talk more about myself. I really appreciate it! I really wouldn't have thought of on my own.

Danteshek
Posts: 2172
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:40 pm

Re: please tear apart my PS; attack it like there's no tmr

Postby Danteshek » Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:52 am

Okay maybe the PS doesn't explicitly say you want to be a corporate lawyer. But whenever I read a PS like this, I want to know what you've actually been DOING to address the problem you have been addressing. In this case, as far as I can tell, you have been doing precisely nothing apart from being the son of someone who deals with these issues and having encountered some people of that description at work.

Be HONEST with who you are and who you want to be. If you are honest, the PS will come across as more genuine. It is OKAY to say that you want to study corporate law and work in a law firm. Not everyone is cut out to save the world.




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