2nd Draft PS.

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Zensack
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 10:05 pm

2nd Draft PS.

Postby Zensack » Tue Sep 04, 2012 10:57 pm

*Note: My transcript has a lot of F's; one reason I went the route that I did with the PS was to explain my spotty academic history.*

I breathe in. My nostrils tingle as juniper scented smoke passes through them into my lungs. My chest and abdomen expand as the air enters. I release the air, feeling my body contract, my full attention focused on the mundane, yet crucial, task of breathing. Time passes, and I pick up a band of prayer beads, mentally repeating a brief mantra for each bead as I pass them through my fingers. Reaching the large, center bead I switch directions, a new mantra being repeated. These are glimpses of my daily meditation practice. Through this daily routine I find contentment in the present and resolve to face life’s challenges - two things that have not always come easily for me. In my life I have endured loss, emotional misery, and disillusionment. But rather than sink into a life of escapism and mediocrity, I have regained my footing, and moved on.

I lost my father at a young age. On an otherwise ordinary spring day, he suffered a heart attack while away on business. By the time word reached me he was already gone. When I returned to school the next week, I was greeted with a wave of unwanted attention and felt like I was now some kind of outsider. Time passed, I bounced around from counselor to counselor, eventually coming to terms with my loss. Slowly, I returned to life in the present. Perhaps this early confrontation with human mortality led to my idealistic disposition.

High school was a personal renaissance, in which I sampled a diverse selection of academic and creative fields, social concerns, and physical activities. I earned various accolades including a varsity letter and the rank of Eagle Scout. I also became a devout christian. By the time I entered college I believed serving God was my purpose in life and that nothing would deter me from this grand, albeit vague calling. Until it did.

My second year at XXX College was another difficult time in my life. As the year began, my small social circle expanded as I befriended numerous freshmen students through my school sponsored position as a spiritual advisor. Things took an unexpected turn for the worse when school counselors expelled one of my friends. After that, malaise spread amongst us like a plague that I was powerless to treat. One by one my friends dropped out, turned to escapism, or squabbled amongst themselves due to misplaced resentment. To deal with the mounting hardship, I prayed constantly for the well being of myself and my friends. This coping mechanism backfired, and as our situations spiraled further downward my faith became another casualty of this dark period.

Fortunately, this dark time had silver linings. I was able to maintained contact with some of my friends and retain their friendship to this day. I also gained my initial interest in law, from undergraduate law courses. Civil Liberties was the first of these classes. The reading was difficult, but the class discussions, especially those covering sensitive topics like abortion and free speech, were very intellectually satisfying.

During the Summer of 2008, while enrolled in online college courses, worked on a gubernatorial campaign. Having encountered poverty during missionary trips in Honduras and urban Kansas City, I quickly gained an appreciation for the impact that policies in Washington and Jefferson City had on peoples’ lives. What started as a part time internship evolved into a full time job, knocking on doors and talking to voters. I experienced the democratic process firsthand while regaining confidence and preparing to reenter the University of MMM. I realized that rather than sitting on the sidelines talking about the way things should be, I should actively participate in the process.

November 7, 2011 on a cold Autumn night I walked home on the verge of collapse. Stress from a high workload and personal discontent was fracturing my composure. Six years later, it was time to replace what I had lost in the wake of my year of misery at XXX College. I had dabbled in Buddhist writings and meditative techniques, impressed by the clinical benefits of practice and the conduct of monks who advocated social betterment through peaceful cooperation, rather than hot blooded proselytizing. I began meditating in earnest and set aside small chunks of time to study the writings of great Buddhist thinkers. I learned to accept, rather than fret over, hardships, and to manage, rather than buckle under, difficult emotions. Today, I continue to enrich my practice with daily meditation and the study of philosophy, both Buddhist and non-Buddhist.[/color]

User avatar
Liquox
Posts: 273
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: 2nd Draft PS.

Postby Liquox » Wed Sep 05, 2012 1:35 am

from one splitter to another, i hope you get into your dream school man.

here's a quick edit:


Zensack wrote:*Note: My transcript has a lot of F's; one reason I went the route that I did with the PS was to explain my spotty academic history.*

I breathe in. My nostrils tingle as juniper scented smoke passes through them into my lungs. My chest and abdomen expand as the air enters. I release the air, feeling my body contract, my full attention focused on the mundane, yet crucial, task of breathing. Time passes, and I pick up a band of prayer beads, mentally repeating a brief mantra for each bead as I pass them through my fingers. Reaching the large, center bead I switch directions, a new mantra being repeated. These are glimpses of my daily meditation practice. Through this daily routine I find contentment in the present and resolve to face life’s challenges - two things that have not always come easily for me. In my life I have endured loss, emotional misery, and disillusionment. But rather than sink into a life of escapism and mediocrity, I have regained my footing, and moved on.

anticlimactic. at first it seems like you're preparing for bad news, then it just disappoints. you're probably better off without this paragraph; the rest of your ps reads much stronger.

I lost my father at a young age. On an otherwise ordinary spring day, he suffered a heart attack while away on business. By the time word reached me he was already gone. When I returned to school the next week, I was greeted with a wave of unwanted attention and felt like I was now some kind of outsider. Time passed, I bounced around from counselor to counselor, eventually coming to terms with my loss. Slowly, I returned to life in the present. Perhaps this early confrontation with human mortality led to my idealistic disposition.

High school was a personal renaissance, in which I sampled a diverse selection of academic and creative fields, social concerns, and physical activities. I earned various accolades including a varsity letter and the rank of Eagle Scout. I also became a devout christian. By the time I entered college I believed serving God was my purpose in life and that nothing would deter me from this grand, albeit vague calling. Until it did.

My second year at XXX College was another difficult time in my life. As the year began, my small social circle expanded as I befriended numerous freshmen students through my school sponsored position as a spiritual advisor. Things took an unexpected turn for the worse when school counselors expelled one of my friends. After that, malaise spread amongst us like a plague that I was powerless to treat. One by one my friends dropped out, turned to escapism, or squabbled amongst themselves due to misplaced resentment. To deal with the mounting hardship, I prayed constantly for the well being of myself and my friends. This coping mechanism backfired, and as our situations spiraled further downward my faith became another casualty of this dark period.

Fortunately, this dark time had silver linings. I was able to maintained contact with some of my friends and retain their friendship to this day. how are these two things related? retaining friendship -> interest in law needs a buffer. did you interest yourself in law classes because you wanted to avoid friend-drama? I also gained my initial interest in law, from undergraduate law courses. Civil Liberties was the first of these classes. The reading was difficult, but the class discussions, especially those covering sensitive topics like abortion and free speech, were very intellectually satisfying.

During the Summer of 2008, while enrolled in online college courses, Pronounworked on a gubernatorial campaign. Having encountered poverty during missionary trips in Honduras and urban Kansas City, I quickly gained an appreciation for the impact that policies in Washington and Jefferson City had on peoples’ lives. What started as a part time internship evolved into a full time job, knocking on doors and talking to voters. I experienced the democratic process firsthand while regaining confidence and preparing to reenter the University of MMM. I realized that rather than sitting on the sidelines talking about the way things should be, I should actively participate in the process.

November 7, 2011 This part reads like a diary entry. use transactions and punctuation; avoid strange formats on a cold Autumn night I walked home on the verge of collapse. Stress from a high workload and personal discontent was fracturing my composure. Six years later, it was time to replace what I had lost in the wake of my year of misery at XXX College. I had dabbled in Buddhist writings and meditative techniques, impressed by the clinical benefits of practice and the conduct of monks who advocated social betterment through peaceful cooperation, rather than hot blooded proselytizing. I began meditating in earnest and set aside small chunks of time to study the writings of great Buddhist thinkers. I learned to accept, rather than fret over, hardships, and to manage, rather than buckle under, difficult emotions. Today, I continue to enrich my practice with daily meditation and the study of philosophy, both Buddhist and non-Buddhist. huh? weren't you christian in the first few paragraphs? what happened? when did you change? don't confuse the admin officers.[/color]

User avatar
Zensack
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 10:05 pm

Re: 2nd Draft PS.

Postby Zensack » Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:54 pm

The chronology of the paper goes like this:

P1 - current, this is an excerpt from my daily life (Buddhist)
P2 & 3 - distant past
P4, 5 & 6 - somewhat recent past, I convert to, and subsequently leave Christianity here
P7 - recent past, I converted from Atheism to Buddhism here.

I guess I should make that clearer somehow? The message I want to get across is that I've learned to deal with hardships from experience, have a clear set of objectives, and tools to handle the rigors of a legal education and practice.

Maybe cut the line about retaining friendships (added the silver lining section because the PS sounded whiny without it)? Would cutting the date from the last paragraph make it palatable?




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