First draft PS of 2.79/177 splitter, please critique

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tehwetbandit
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 1:45 am

First draft PS of 2.79/177 splitter, please critique

Postby tehwetbandit » Thu Aug 30, 2012 2:24 pm

When I was in college I played a lot of online poker. I loved poker and the logical and analytical challenges inherent in the game. I played it so much that it led to a negative effect on my grades. After I graduated, I decided to play poker full time for a living. For two years I lived the life of a carefree professional poker player, traveling the world with my laptop in tow and making a living at something I would have enjoyed as a hobby. It was a wonderful journey, but eventually I lost my passion for the game and decided to pursue a career.

I went to work in the local warehouse of an industrial supplier. This company, XXXXX, supplied production line components to a variety of manufacturing businesses. It turned out to be a good choice and a great experience. The nature of the distribution business meant I was exposed to clients in diverse industries. A major perk was visiting customer plants and seeing how many different products were made, from cars and steel to candy and baby formula. In addition, the company had substantial operations in China, which gave me an opportunity to leverage my fluent Chinese ability.

Before I started at the new job I had to invest my accumulated winnings from years of poker. The main opportunity I saw was in real estate. Houses were cheap after the crash of 2007-2009, but the credit crunch was still in full swing, and banks were reluctant to lend to any real estate investors, despite the many good deals available. So I was able lend my money to local investors at very favorable interest rates. Because of my professional gambler background, risk control was the dominant concern. I secured my loans with first mortgages, and always made sure the loan amount was never more than two-thirds the value of the underlying property. I also bought some properties for myself.

At XXXXX, I was able to apply some skills transferable from my poker career, namely time-management skills and the ability to handle pressure, while honing others on the job, including presentation technique and interpersonal skills. When I played poker online, I usually played eight tables at a time, which meant I was well-practiced in analyzing multiple problems under tremendous time pressure and coming to the correct decision on each one. This ability came in handy at XXXXX, where some hectic days involved juggling never-ending phone calls and emails from customers while loading and unloading truckloads of product in the warehouse.

Although I started in the warehouse, I was quickly promoted and moved through various roles. One of these roles included upselling to existing clients. In this area, the ability to construct an argument and present a case was crucial. One project involved convincing a client to replace the timing belts in their air conditioners with a more expensive, more energy efficient, and longer lasting type of timing belt. I put together a presentation on the benefits of the new belts, including data on the energy usage and life expectancy of both belts. I convinced the client that their savings on energy costs and reduced downtimes justified the higher expense of the new belts. The client agreed to a trial run for these belts in several plants. Because this client had a global presence with manufacturing facilities around the world, this initial headway could lead to much further sales down the road.

Another thing I picked up at XXXXX was interpersonal skills. I learned to deal with bosses, co-workers, employees, suppliers, and customers. In this, I received invaluable advice from one salesman who took me under his wing. “To be a good salesman,” he said, “You have to know a little about a lot.” This advice helped me build and maintain relationships with the people I worked with. I was able to talk Browns football with a supplier from Cleveland, gossip about J-Lo’s marriage with a Hispanic colleague, and discuss bodybuilding tips with a warehouse co-worker. But the best basis for a strong working relationship remained the production of quality work on my own end. In 2011 I served as a translator for a Chinese client, a major state-owned steel manufacturer, as it negotiated the purchase of overhead bridge cranes for use in a steel plant they were building in Texas. Although I was unable to establish much conversational rapport with the client executives that I worked with, they were still pleased enough with my translation work that the CEO of the company offered to hire me as a personal aide.

My time at XXXXX also expanded my worldview and helped me develop more nuanced views of current issues. When I was a professional poker player, I had to file a Schedule C as a small business owner each year, always paying what I believed to be fairly heavy taxes. This led me to a small-government, low spending and low taxes view on politics. I abhorred government spending and waste, especially in the military sector. In my first week at XXXXX, I was put on a project supplying bearings to a defense contractor which made tank parts for the Army. Although they were fairly common bearings in standard sizes, we sold these bearings to the defense contractor at prices over six times that of any other customer. “A first hand example of the wasteful excesses of the military-industrial complex,” I thought, shaking my head at the way my taxpayer dollars were being blown. Only later would I find out that the bearings for this client were meant for operation in the extreme environments of the Middle East, and therefore had to undergo extensive testing--each individual bearing had to be heated to 150 degrees Fahrenheit, then run for 48 hours continuously, then cooled to -50 degrees and run for another 48 hours. The cost of the testing naturally added to the price. This experience reinforced for me the value of seeing all sides of an issue before taking a position.

My experience in poker and the industrial distribution business has made me a capable, focused professional. I can solve problems under pressure, have good interpersonal skills, and can construct and present solid arguments. These qualities will make me a successful law student and lawyer.

vdog
Posts: 34
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:29 pm

Re: First draft PS of 2.79/177 splitter, please critique

Postby vdog » Thu Aug 30, 2012 3:19 pm

I like this overall. The first paragraph may be a turn-off, so you may want to downplay the "game" aspect of poker, and it is a career for many people, so you probably should treat it as a non-traditional career path. Also, I don't think that explanation for your low grades would go well with people, so you should consider nixing that.

Also, I think you should format the essay a bit differently in the second half. The five-paragraph persuasive essay format is really apparent, and you should be capable of saying what you want without relying on this elementary structure (or masking it a bit better).

You have a lot to work with though compared to some other people. Good luck.

I'm also an 0L looking for critiques. If you could, would you mind looking at mine?

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Liquox
Posts: 273
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: First draft PS of 2.79/177 splitter, please critique

Postby Liquox » Thu Aug 30, 2012 4:54 pm

love it. interesting subject, moves quickly, ect. my only suggestion is to rephrase some sentences in your first paragraph. drop the excess words and you're good to go.

good luck man. it'd be interesting to see where you end up.

tehwetbandit
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 1:45 am

Re: First draft PS of 2.79/177 splitter, please critique

Postby tehwetbandit » Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:58 pm

vdog wrote:I like this overall. The first paragraph may be a turn-off, so you may want to downplay the "game" aspect of poker, and it is a career for many people, so you probably should treat it as a non-traditional career path. Also, I don't think that explanation for your low grades would go well with people, so you should consider nixing that.

Also, I think you should format the essay a bit differently in the second half. The five-paragraph persuasive essay format is really apparent, and you should be capable of saying what you want without relying on this elementary structure (or masking it a bit better).

You have a lot to work with though compared to some other people. Good luck.

I'm also an 0L looking for critiques. If you could, would you mind looking at mine?


Thanks for the feedback. I agree with all your points. The first paragraph definitely could use some revamping.

Nice catch on the five-paragraph format. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Might have to tweak that a bit.




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