New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Paraflam
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New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby Paraflam » Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:10 pm

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Last edited by Paraflam on Thu Sep 20, 2012 6:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

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shifty_eyed
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Re: New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby shifty_eyed » Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:45 am

My thoughts


I was 7 years old when I appropriated my dad’s electric drum kit and then enthusiastically beat it to death. Six years later, at the age of 13, I made it all the way through the first round of Guitar Center’s 2003 National Drum-Off contest, and though I didn’t win that competition (after all, I was at least ten years younger than the next-youngest competitor), the story of those six years made an enormous impact on the story of the nine that followed them.

Not long after (how does this fit in, time-wise to your first paragraph? I’m unclear) I broke my dad’s electric ¬drum machine I managed to pester my parents into buying me a real drum set, and starting drum lessons. At first, I really regretted the lessons. All my instructor wanted to teach me were basic rudiments on the snare drum: left, right, left, left, right, left, right, right along to a metronome. This wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t interested in learning how to play a flam or a paradiddle; I wanted to learn how to play like Travis Barker! So I went through the motions at lessons, but once I got home, I’d throw on my headphones and start pounding away.

The problem was, I was doing myself more harm than good. I had awful timing, stick control, and technique. I kept ruining drumheads, breaking sticks and cracking cymbals, all the while becoming more and more frustrated. Finally, fed up and realizing that my ability had reached an early plateau, I asked my drum instructor if we could focus our lessons on the full drum set rather than just that boring single rubber practice pad. He said, “[name], you have to start with the building blocks of drumming, which are the rudiments. Everything you play on a full drum set builds off of the patterns you’re learning now. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.” Up to then (change to Up until then), I hadn't been viewing playing a full drum set as a construct of smaller, more intricate patterns.

This reappraisal clicked on a light (reword this. I don’t like reappraisal here, and clicked on a light seems like a mixed metaphor of sorts), so I disassembled my drums, put them aside, and replaced them with just a single rubber practice pad, a metronome, and a music stand. At first, (I don’t think you need a comma here) I was frustrated with how little technique I realized I actually had. I found that drumming is not just about whacking away to a rhythm – it’s about finesse, dynamics, groove. I practiced these same patterns and exercises for hours a day, until my hands were covered in blisters, (comma splice) then I’d put on batting gloves and just keep going.

As I built up my technical ability as a drummer, I came to appreciate many more types of music. I enjoyed the challenge of breaking apart complicated patterns and learning how to play them. The better I got at that kind of analysis, the more I matured as a drummer. But that’s not the only way in which I was maturing.

The concept of breaking something down into its smaller parts to see how they all contribute to the final product began to inform not just my drumming but my worldview. This analytical mode of thinking is what drew me to study finance. Investment Management really tapped into the critical-thinking part of me (reword somehow, maybe give a specific example). I learned that by breaking things into their component parts - just as I’d done with my drumming - that I could build something useful. I learned to take pleasure in calculating different ways to diversify and hedge investments in order to maximize the rate of return and minimize standard deviation of a portfolio. I learned how to manage my money in the future, plan for retirement, and save for my kids’ college, and I did so by taking this long view, breaking it into discrete, manageable pieces, and building from the ground up.

(Make this a new paragraph and expand) It’s the same kind of thinking that I hope to bring to bear in my study of the law: it’s the way in which we’ve used foundational principles to construct a legal system that works as a whole. To me, this is the attraction of drums, and of finance, and of law.
Now that I’m in college, I’m not able to play my drums as much as I used to, but when I come home it’s the first thing that I do. It’s what I imagine a pilot feels when she sits down in the cockpit and puts on her headset, or when a professional pitcher picks up a baseball and feels the laces between his fingers. (get rid of this maybe?)

This is the way I’ve learned to approach my world, and it’s the way I hope to approach the law. I believe that I can make a useful addition to [XXX Law School], and that I’ll do so by consistent application of analysis - by building up from the component parts. Left, right, left, left, right. (I like the ending)

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Paraflam
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Re: New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby Paraflam » Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:21 pm

Thanks, shifty. Appreciate the feedback :)

rebexness
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Re: New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby rebexness » Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:18 pm

Last edited by rebexness on Mon Feb 09, 2015 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CorkBoard
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Re: New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:25 pm

Edits in strike/bold
Paraflam wrote:Some of you helped me with my last PS, but I ended up deciding to write about a different topic that I haven't posted here yet. I have a rough draft that I would really appreciate anyone's critique on. Thanks in advance!


I was 7 years old when I appropriated my dad’s electric drum kit and then enthusiastically beat it to death weird terminology. Six years later, at the age of 13, I made it all the way through the first round of Guitar Center’s 2003 National Drum-Off contest, and though I didn’t win that competition (after all, I was at least ten years younger than the next-youngest competitor), the story of those six years made an enormous impact on the story of the nine that followed them. I'm not sure I'd even keep this paragraph, honestly.

Not long after I broke my dad’s electric ­drum machine, I managed to pester my parents into buying me a real drum set, and starting I started taking drum lessons. At first, I really regretted the lessons. All my instructor wanted to teach me were basic rudiments on the snare drum: left, right, left, left, right, left, right, right along to a metronome. This wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t interested in learning how to play a flam or a paradiddle; I wanted to learn how to play like Travis Barker! eh, maybe pick a different way to end this sentence. So I went through the motions at lessons, but once I got home, I’d throw on my headphones and start pounding away.

The problem was I was doing myself more harm than good okay, is this really harmful? Maybe you could say "As much as I loved playing the drums, I had some problems" or something like that. I had awful timing, stick control, and technique. I kept ruining drumheads, breaking sticks, and cracking cymbals, all the while becoming more and more frustrated with what?.

Finally, fed up and realizing that my ability had reached an early plateau, I asked my drum instructor if we could focus our lessons on the full drum set rather than just that boring single rubber practice pad. He said, “[name], you have to start with the building blocks of drumming, which are the rudiments. Everything you play on a full drum set builds off of the patterns you’re learning now. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.” Up tountil then, I hadn't been viewingviewed playing a full drum set as a construct of smaller, more intricate patterns.

This reappraisal clicked on a light. I disassembled my drums, put them aside, and replaced them with just a single rubber practice pad, a metronome, and a music stand. At first, I was frustrated with how little technique I realized I actually had. I found that drumming is not just about whacking away to a rhythm; it’s about finesse, dynamics, groove. I practiced these same patterns and exercises for hours a day, until my hands were covered in blisters, then I’d put on batting gloves and just keep going.

As I built up my technical ability as a drummer, I came to appreciate many more types of music. I enjoyed the challenge of breaking apart complicated patterns and learning how to play them. The better I got at that kind of analysis, the more I matured as a drummer. But that’s not the only way in which I was maturing.

The concept of breaking something down into its smaller parts to see how they all contribute to the final product began to informare you sure "inform" is the word you want to use? not just my drumming but my worldview. This analytical mode of thinking is what drew me to study finance. Investment Management really tapped into the critical-thinking part of me. I learned that by breaking things into their component parts - just as I’d done with my drumming - that I could build something useful. I learned to take pleasure in calculating different ways to diversify and hedge investments in order to maximize the rate of return and minimize standard deviation of a portfolio.

I learned how to manage my money in the future, plan for retirement, and save for my kidschildren's college, and I did so by taking this long view, breaking it into discrete, manageable pieces, and building from the ground up. It’s thethis same kind of thinking that I hope to bring to bear in my study of the law. It’s the way in which we’ve used foundational principles to construct a legal system that works as a whole. To me, this is the attraction of drums, andof finance, and of law.

Now that I’m in college, I’m not able to play my drums as much as I used to, but when I come home it’s the first thing that I do. It’s what I imagine a pilot feels when she sits down in the cockpit and puts on her headset, or when a professional pitcher picks up a baseball and feels the laces between his fingers. This is the way I’ve learned to approach my world, and it’s the way I hope to approach the law. I believe that I can make a useful addition to [XXX Law School], and that I’ll do so by consistent application of analysis - by building up from the component parts. Left, right, left, left, right.

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Paraflam
Posts: 472
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:09 pm

Re: New Personal Statement - Feedback Appreciated

Postby Paraflam » Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:43 pm

Anyone else? I really appreciate any critique. Thanks again everyone!




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