PS Draft: Any Feedback/Advice is appreciate

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
changeurfeet
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:38 pm

PS Draft: Any Feedback/Advice is appreciate

Postby changeurfeet » Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:13 pm

Hi, below is my first draft of my personal statement. As stated above any advice or just general feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Streams of obscenities are followed by a patient charging across a classroom to try to punch another patient out. Another patient gets angry at a peer and throws his food tray and stomps out of the cafeteria while another teenager rips a television off the wall and throws it on the ground. These were daily occurrences at where I volunteered. A year after graduating college I became an AmeriCorps volunteer at a residential psychiatric facility for children and adolescents. My primary job on paper was to tutor and to provide classroom assistance. Through working with the patients, I quickly realized that it would not be that simple. My job would be to teach my students that they could learn, and to instill in them the attitude that they could accomplish anything they put their mind to. Furthermore, I was to be a person who invested time in them and who showed them that they had strengths that made them unique and valuable.

The adolescences I had the pleasure to work with came from unimaginably horrible backgrounds and presented challenges that pushed my patience and creativity. They would often act out violently or become defiant towards authority. Yet, they would look at things, that many people would see as common or ordinary, and see it as something great. For example, simply being able to read a chapter of a book on their own or to be able to help another student with math homework was viewed by them as nothing short of extraordinary. Through working with these students and the team of volunteers I have learned many valuable lessons.

During this experience I learned that not only did I enjoy being part of a team, but that I could be a successful leader of my peers. There were thirty volunteers who lived on site and served with the adolescences. I ended up being the representative for the housing that was provided to us. Our housing was single room cabins in the woods of rural Georgia. They had no running water. My cabin specifically had a squirrel infestation, which resulted in me being awoken one morning with a squirrel jumping on my head. Not only did I have to deal with my own frustration I also had many upset team members. I had to find solutions that made everyone happy so we would be able to serve to their highest capacity with challenging patients.
Through volunteering with this population and seeing them deal with unthinkable situations I have come to the conclusion that if I have the power to make the world a better place that I should pursue that end diligently. I feel that law school will provide a larger forum in which I can connect to struggling communities and help marginalized people. I feel that my personal values and passion for service align with those of Boston College Law. Furthermore I feel that my experience with fighting for social justice will make me successfully in law school and beyond.

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CorkBoard
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Re: PS Draft: Any Feedback/Advice is appreciate

Postby CorkBoard » Thu Aug 23, 2012 10:30 pm

Edits in strike/bold
changeurfeet wrote:Hi, below is my first draft of my personal statement. As stated above any advice or just general feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Streams of obscenities are followed by a passive voice, fix this patient charging across a classroom to try to punch another patient out. Another patient gets angry at a peer and throws his food tray and stomps out of the cafeteria while another teenager rips a television off the wall and throws it on the ground. vague, vague, vague. Be careful about your tense changes here.

paragraph break
These were daily occurrences at where I volunteered. A year after graduating college I became an AmeriCorps volunteer at a residential psychiatric facility for children and adolescents. My primary job on paper maybe you could use parentheses (on paper) was to tutor and to provide classroom assistance. Through working with the patients, I quickly realized that it would not be that simple. My job would be to teach my students that they could learn, and to instill in them the attitude that they could accomplish anything they put their mind to avoid ending sentences with prepositions. Furthermore, I was to be a person who invested time in them and who showed them that they had strengths that made them unique and valuable.

The adolescences I had the pleasure to work with came from unimaginably horrible backgrounds and presented challenges that pushed my patience and creativity. They would often act out violently or become defiant towards authority is that the only reason why? Where are the examples?. Yet, they would look at things, that many people would see as common or ordinary, and see it as something great. For example, simply being able to read a chapter of a book on their own or to be able to help another student with math homework was viewed passive voice by them as nothing short of extraordinary. Through working with these students and the team of volunteers I have learned many valuable lessons. Like what?

During this experience I learned that not only did I enjoy being part of a team, but that I could be a successful leader of my peers. There were thirty volunteers who lived on site and served with the adolescences. I ended up being the representative for the housing that was provided to us. Our housing was single room cabins in the woods of rural Georgia. They had no running water. My cabin specifically had a squirrel infestation, which resulted in me being awoken one morning with a squirrel jumping on my head. Not only did I have to deal with my own frustration I also had many upset team members. I had to find solutions that made everyone happy so we would be able to serve to their highest capacity with challenging patients. Alright, this is a cool story, but it doesn't fit with where you're going with this.

Through volunteering with this population and seeing them deal with unthinkable situations, I have come to the conclusion that if I have the power to make the world a better place that I should pursue that end diligently huh? Okay. I feel that law school will provide a larger forum in which I can connect to struggling communities and help marginalized people How?. I feel that my personal values and passion for service align with those of Boston College Law. Furthermore I feel that my experience with fighting for social justice will make me successfully in law school and beyond.


Okay, so I'll be honest. This needs a lot of development. It is just too surface level right now.

It seems a little short to me, too. You have room for additional information. It's honestly better to write too much in a draft and have to cut it down rather than not write enough and be stuck trying to figure out what to say.

changeurfeet
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:38 pm

Re: PS Draft: Any Feedback/Advice is appreciate

Postby changeurfeet » Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:13 pm

Thanks Cork Board. I have made some edits. I know parts of it are vague. The reason some of it is vague is because I am afraid to break HIPPA regulations. I e-mailed my former boss with a more detailed version to see if it is acceptable. If you or anyone else have anymore suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.

Streams of obscenities are followed by a patient charging across a classroom to try to assault another patient. Another patient gets angry at a peer and throws his food tray and stomps out of the cafeteria while another teenager rips a television off the wall and throws it on the ground. These were daily occurrences where I volunteered. A year after graduating college I became an AmeriCorps volunteer at a residential psychiatric facility for children and adolescents. My primary job, on paper, was to tutor and to provide classroom assistance. Through working with the patients, I quickly realized that it would not be that simple. My job would be to teach my students that they could learn, and to instill in them the attitude that they could accomplish anything to which they put their mind. Furthermore, I was to be a person who invested time in them and who showed them that they had strengths that made them unique and valuable.

The adolescents I had the pleasure to work with came from unimaginably horrible backgrounds and presented challenges that pushed my patience and creativity. They would often act out violently or become defiant towards authority. The children had formed negative attention seeking behaviors due to the environments they had come from. A good way to get an adult to pay attention to you is to act out, yell, scream, argue, and even sometimes assault someone. Yet, they would look at things, that many people would see as common or ordinary, and see it as something great. For example, simply being able to read a chapter of a book on their own or to be able to help another student with math homework was viewed by them as nothing short of extraordinary.
Through working with these students and the team of volunteers I have learned many valuable lessons. They taught me that if I have the power to make the world a better place that I should pursue that end diligently. I learned that if I worked hard enough at something, like teaching an illiterate seventeen year-old how to read, that significant and lasting change and progress can be made. Furthermore I learned the great things a team can accomplish and how communities can change the world. The patients at the facility did not succeed in treatment because something just simply clicked. It was because they had a supportive community around them that encouraged them and told them that they had the potential to be great. It is through this realization of the power of communities that cemented in me the desire to become a lawyer. Communities are built on laws; a lawyer’s relationship to these laws are instrumental in fostering communities to be able to reach its fullest potential. I believe that having stronger communities can solve the social injustice that occurs in the world.

I know that law school will provide a larger forum in which I can connect to struggling communities and help marginalized people. Boston College Law was built on the principles of the Jesuit tradition that are dedicated to helping others. I know that my personal values and passion for service align with those of Boston College Law. Furthermore I know that my experience with fighting for social justice will make me successful in law school and beyond.




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