Personal Statement would love feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Burne182
Posts: 54
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 10:14 pm

Personal Statement would love feedback

Postby Burne182 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:45 pm

Removed this draft, will rework and post again.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
Last edited by Burne182 on Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement would love feedback

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 22, 2012 12:19 pm

You are basically just reiterating the facts of the case, which doesn't tell me anything about you.

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Dany
Posts: 11580
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:00 pm

Re: Personal Statement would love feedback

Postby Dany » Wed Aug 22, 2012 12:29 pm

The paragraph about the rape was uncomfortable to read, and having a list of bad things you've done isn't really portraying you in the best light to an admissions committee. Additionally, it seems more about the trial and not you.

I understand this is probably a very important event that has happened to you, but I don't think it's appropriate for a personal statement. I think something about being a woman at the Naval Academy could be very interesting and compelling, but probably not centered around this particular instance.

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Liquox
Posts: 273
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 3:46 pm

Re: Personal Statement would love feedback

Postby Liquox » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:07 pm

you sound like a brave lady. restructure your ps. the beginning leaves people with an uncomfortable feeling that overpowers the point in the end.

good luck

Burne182
Posts: 54
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 10:14 pm

Re: Personal Statement would love feedback

Postby Burne182 » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:25 pm

OK, thanks so much for the help.




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