Several drafts in, need a few extra eyes

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
valiumdumpster
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:04 pm

Several drafts in, need a few extra eyes

Postby valiumdumpster » Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:36 pm

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Last edited by valiumdumpster on Sat Sep 01, 2012 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

collegebum1989
Posts: 323
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:03 pm

Re: Several drafts in, need a few extra eyes

Postby collegebum1989 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:43 pm

In my opinion, I thought that the last paragraph worked perfectly. You don't need to explicitly say "why law" in your personal statement. The ending worked well because you questioned the situation in your entire essay and in the last statement realized how the legal system was greatly different from what you thought it was throughout the essay. This not only underscores your motivations, but genuinely ties a significant experience with interests in law.

I'll leave the language/grammar for the experts, but one thing that did strike me as weird was your second paragraph. Right after introducing the death of your mother, you go directly onto questioning the circumstances of the accident and somewhat empathizing with the driver instead of discussing your mother. This seemed odd because it reads as if you are empathizing more with the driver than grieving the loss of your mother.

In fact, throughout the entire essay, the only time you discuss emotional responses to your mother's accident are of other people's reactions. You discussed your co-worker's sympathy, and your sister's statements, but you never really discussed your reaction to actually losing your mother. You focused more on questioning why a drive would drunk and the legal implications of his actions, but you missed the most "human" aspect of this entire experience.

I think this statement would be a lot stronger if you focused on yourself and your reaction towards the event. How did you actually feel about losing your mother? You don't discuss this directly, and you come off as aloof because of it. Yet this is probably the strongest aspect of the entire essay and the greatest opportunity to show your personality through tragedy without relying on empathy from the reader about your situation.

valiumdumpster
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:04 pm

Re: Several drafts in, need a few extra eyes

Postby valiumdumpster » Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:57 pm

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Last edited by valiumdumpster on Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

collegebum1989
Posts: 323
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:03 pm

Re: Several drafts in, need a few extra eyes

Postby collegebum1989 » Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Yeah I can see where that would seem difficult. I didn't mean to discuss in a way to generate sympathy, but more in a way to show the reader your personality.

Right now, I don't think this essay is a sob story. However, I do think adding in your perspective in addition to the ones you've discussed will make this an overall better essay and a stronger personal statement that focuses more on you rather than the effects of a situation. There needs to be more of your reflections and ties with your mother in it.




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