Draft 2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
PS2012
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:55 am

Draft 2

Postby PS2012 » Wed Aug 15, 2012 10:55 pm

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Last edited by PS2012 on Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Triveal
Posts: 82
Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:54 am

Re: Draft 2

Postby Triveal » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:58 am

I like it. I could nitpick word choice/flow/sentence structure stuff, but on the whole, it's good. It comes across as genuine, which is huge IMO

edit: I'd play up the "small victory" idea even more. Make it even more evident that you know it was, for the environmental movement, pretty insignificant, but that it still made you feel satisfied to contribute. It comes through already, but it could be even stronger.

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AntipodeanPhil
Posts: 1300
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm

Re: Draft 2

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:26 am

Triveal wrote:I like it. I could nitpick word choice/flow/sentence structure stuff, but on the whole, it's good. It comes across as genuine, which is huge IMO

edit: I'd play up the "small victory" idea even more. Make it even more evident that you know it was, for the environmental movement, pretty insignificant, but that it still made you feel satisfied to contribute. It comes through already, but it could be even stronger.

+1

This is a very good personal statement.

My criticism is similar to the point made above. Your draft comes across as a bit too brief and a bit too cold. I would try to add some more emotion, and details to better involve the reader. You might briefly describe some of the negative effects of paper and plastic bag use, for example, in a way that shows your passion for the topic. And you might better indicate or emphasize your reaction to your eventual success - as mentioned above.

A minor point: I don't like "fast-forward two years." I think it has a slightly trite tone to it, which doesn't fit with the understated and genuine tone of the rest of your writing.




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