Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
az21833
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Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby az21833 » Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:15 pm

PM for PS Draft
Last edited by az21833 on Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:25 pm

You're clearly a good writer, thats the good news. There are some stylistic problems but nothing major. For instance, your choice of vocab is more grandiose than it needs to be

Misaligned incentives caused traders to place the interests of their banks above those of clients. Convoluted derivative securitization went without scrutiny as long as it boosted the bottom line. Ubiquitous demand for home ownership led to the rampant and irresponsible extension of credit. No, I was not a hypocrite, but the investment banks certainly were not blameless either. A paradigm shift for both bankers and regulators was undoubtedly necessary, but was all of the vilification?


none of these words are bad or that sophisticated, but simpler words could suffice.

In terms of topic however, Im on the fence. On the one hand its ok, but on the otherhand, it screams "so what?"

What I got out of your statement was that you decided to talk to some occupy people and this forced you to think about the otherside for a change. But your statement has no real results, meaning, nothing happened or changed due to your conversation with the occupy people. In other words, theres no action resulting from this expieriece whereas most of these "inflection point" essays result in something noteworthy...a change perhaps.

Perhaps more problematic is the lack of why law. Your essay does not have to explicity state why you wanna go to law school, but it does need to make that connection in some way. The extent of the connection your statement has to law is

As the days in the park went by, I became increasingly aware that it is in fact law that both shapes and governs this intricate dynamic. Working daily with counsel this summer to meticulously draft a SEC-registered equity prospectus has only strengthened this realization. I now, more than ever, look forward to studying law and exploring this relationship with an intellectually diverse cast of characters, once again.

which is too weak in my opinion.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 09, 2012 7:14 pm

Not good. You seem to be trying too hard to impress readers with awkward word choices & pseudo-intellectual insights. The third paragraph needs to be deleted or shortened to one word: greed. Overall this writing is too lengthy for your simple message, in my opinion.

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SaintsTheMetal
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby SaintsTheMetal » Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:07 pm

I think the topic is bad, since most people believe the whole "occupy movement" is totally retarded

thederangedwang wrote:but on the otherhand, it screams "so what?"


this.

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Cerebro
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby Cerebro » Fri Aug 10, 2012 3:30 am

More importantly, the experience forced me out of my well-worn daily routine into interactions with individuals owning standpoints, beliefs, values and lifestyles divergent from my own. It forced me to challenge many of my fundamental assumptions and required me to view familiar subject matter from new perspectives.


Forced? How? Was a gun put to your head? Were you so unwilling to examine the situation from different perspectives? It seems to me that if you got anything from this experience, it's what you chose to get out of it.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:56 am

Topic needs work. Where are you trying to go with this statement? Also, echoing other posters, who cares?

az21833
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby az21833 » Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:08 am

thanks guys very helpful comments. will make sure to simply my language/vocabulary throughout. regarding the topic, do you think i should start over and go with something different all together? I was thinking of reworking the last quarter of my essay or so and drawing a stronger connection between the experience and my motivation to attend law school. Would this be enough of a result or do i need to have lobbied congress or impacted how investment banks conduct business somehow? I wanted to keep the essay as honest and genuine as possible and focus primarily on how the experience impacted me rather than how i made some monumental change (maybe one day?)

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:12 am

Probably better to rethink your topic. Try to write in crisp, clear sentences.

Of course, almost any topic can result in an outstanding PS depending upon the work product. Law schools typically are seeking insightful clarity of thought expressed in crisp, clear sentences.

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ben4847
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby ben4847 » Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:29 am

See now, if you had decided therefore to leave production completely and work for PI, then it would have more cohesion. That was the ending I was expecting.

(And then I was going to post: yipee, more private sector jobs for the rest of us!)

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Shaggier1
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby Shaggier1 » Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:58 am

Not good. You seem to be trying too hard to impress readers with awkward word choices & pseudo-intellectual insights. The third paragraph needs to be deleted or shortened to one word: greed. Overall this writing is too lengthy for your simple message, in my opinion.


I disagree with this and most of the above criticism. I begin reading a lot of PS's on TLS, and usually click away after the first three sentences. This is one of the first in a while that kept me engaged. I found it thoughtful and honest.

My advice would be to ditch this line: "Nonetheless I like to think that, through those countless passionate exchanges, I did my small part to bridge two divided worlds." I think you took pains to be modest, but I still rolled my eyes just a little bit. It's risky in that sense, and doesn't add much, so I'd say ditch it.

Also, I recommend re-working the last paragraph. Either say more or say less - your choice. I don't think you need to say much about why you want to go to law school. It is obvious that you are interested in how law shapes society, etc.. On the other hand, as you have it now, the transition from "I am interested in the relationship between business and society" to "I want to explore that relationship via the study of law" comes too quickly, in my opinion.

Anyway, great PS in my opinion. Should serve you well.

PS: I believe you should take all writing feedback (on TLS and elsewhere) with a grain of salt since personal essay writing is so subjective and - unsurprisingly - personal. For what it's worth, I was a candidate with relatively underwhelming numbers who had success with T-10 apps due, in large part, I believe, to the strength of my personal statement (and some softs).

az21833
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby az21833 » Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:02 pm

thank you all , if anybody else has any thoughts please do share them. I am going to try to stick with original topic while making my language simpler and more clear. Also going to try to add some more meat to the Why Law conclusion. Hopefully that strengthens the essay - I really do like the topic (believe it is fairly unique) so am hoping to roll with it.

thederangedwang
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:09 pm

.
Last edited by thederangedwang on Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

az21833
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Re: Personal Statement - Please Review (only up for few days)

Postby az21833 » Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:05 pm

Understood - thank you.




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