Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tyler.durden
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Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:39 pm

Thanks everyone for your comments and edits! Working on the next draft...
Last edited by tyler.durden on Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rebexness
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby rebexness » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:45 pm

Last edited by rebexness on Mon Feb 09, 2015 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:55 pm

rebexness wrote:I'm too asleep to deal with grammar issues but that was engaging, for sure.


Thanks for reading!

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:57 pm

Any takers out there? Sorry it's long...I could really use some input on the final two paragraphs...

geauxsaints
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby geauxsaints » Fri Aug 10, 2012 1:19 am

***EDITED

Me again!

I feel that some of your early sentence structures are poorly constructed, but I love this personal statement. I think you absolutely nailed it. This is an AMAZING story that leaves an impression with adcom's that you are not some 23 year old college grad.

I would totally remove the last 2 paragraphs. You hit this PS out of the ballpark so do not need to cheapen it by adding a generic "insert school name here" sentence. I made a few changes, but I think there are ways to strengthen some of your sentence structures early on.

Also, I think it would be interesting if you began your PS at "Our patrols never felt routine..." That sentence instantly grabs your attention.
Last edited by geauxsaints on Sat Aug 11, 2012 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:00 am

Really like this, but "such as with XYZ" sounds very awkward. I think the conclusion isn't too bad though.

You could rephrase that sentence by saying "by practing law in a governmental environment such as XYZ" or something to that extent. Maybe not that exactly, but you see what I mean.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:00 am

geauxsaints wrote:
tyler.durden wrote:
Me again!

I feel that some of your early sentence structures are poorly constructed, but I love this personal statement. I think you absolutely nailed it. This is an AMAZING story that leaves an impression with adcom's that you are not some 23 year old college grad.

I would totally remove the last 2 paragraphs. You hit this PS out of the ballpark so do not need to cheapen it by adding a generic "insert school name here" sentence. I made a few changes, but I think there are ways to strengthen some of your sentence structures early on.

Also, I think it would be interesting if you began your PS at "Our patrols never felt routine..." That sentence instantly grabs your attention.



Hey there! Thanks for taking a look again.

I appreciate your comments, I like the idea of starting with "Our Patrols never felt routine..." Definitely see the point with the early sentence structures, I'll revisit those. I'm not entirely sure I agree with removing the entire ending... definitely on board with dropping the "by studying at SCHOOL NAME" line, i was pretty unsure about it, just didnt know how to end gracefully... clearly that didnt work! Anyway, you dont feel that trying it together with the last paragraph or two is a good idea? You think i should just tell the story and leave it at that?

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:26 am

CorkBoard wrote:Really like this, but "such as with XYZ" sounds very awkward. I think the conclusion isn't too bad though.

You could rephrase that sentence by saying "by practing law in a governmental environment such as XYZ" or something to that extent. Maybe not that exactly, but you see what I mean.


Thanks for the review again, good point on that sentence structure. So you don't feel that the concluding paragraphs should go?

vdog
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby vdog » Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:33 am

I really like this essay. The only thing that worries me is that the beginning is a tad bit informal ("went off", "taken out") and passive (a lot of "were" and "had" sentences). It takes away from the really good middle.

Also, regarding your, you may want to tie your decision making skills and your desire to make a positive (but careful not to tread into idealistic grounds) impact, into your concluding paragraph. The "perfect match" thing should be reworded to something less absolute, like "strong match."

If you don't mind, I would like to swap critiques. Would you mind critique my PS (and DS, if you have time)?

PS: Great job being first-gen college (and hopefully first-gen law school).

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:40 am

vdog wrote:I really like this essay. The only thing that worries me is that the beginning is a tad bit informal ("went off", "taken out") and passive (a lot of "were" and "had" sentences). It takes away from the really good middle.

Also, regarding your, you may want to tie your decision making skills and your desire to make a positive (but careful not to tread into idealistic grounds) impact, into your concluding paragraph. The "perfect match" thing should be reworded to something less absolute, like "strong match."

If you don't mind, I would like to swap critiques. Would you mind critique my PS (and DS, if you have time)?

PS: Great job being first-gen college (and hopefully first-gen law school).



Excellent critique, thank you. I'd be glad to take a look at your essays, PM me if you'd like.

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Ling520
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby Ling520 » Sat Aug 11, 2012 12:48 am

Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular
Last edited by Ling520 on Sun Oct 12, 2014 1:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby tyler.durden » Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:21 am

this is a personal statement, not an after action report. There are obviously many more details. However, my audience are civilian adcoms, not my company or battalion commander. I have no interest in getting into an online dick measuring contest nor a debate on TTPs, which have evolved over time in this conflict, of which I too have been a part for the past decade. I appreciate you taking the time to read my essay, and I wish you best of luck.
Last edited by tyler.durden on Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Draft 2, Need Advice on the Ending in Particular

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:38 am

Ling520 wrote:Disclaimer: this will be a mean, likely unpopular comment.
As a vet with multiple deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan (currently in Afghanistan), I can't emphasize enough how much I disliked you PS. After working C-IED missions and experiencing the aftermath of IED incidents first hand (including driving a vehicle that was hit by an IED), I had quite a passionate reaction to your story. If this story is true and it happened as you say, it’s literally a point-by-point of what not to do as a combat leader.

My turret gunner suddenly informed me that we had a vehicle closing rapidly from directly behind us. I looked out the back window and saw a white pickup careening through traffic, clearly making no attempt to stop or slow down... I ordered my gunner to initiate our escalation of force procedures. It was my call and all eyes were on me. “Do not shoot! Stand down, stand down!” I shouted into the radio.


This is just puzzling. Why is it your call? If it's your call, you should be on the gun. If your troops aren't trained to do their job in combat without your permission then you’ve failed them as a leader. Still, this is not entirely your fault; it’s at least partially the fault of your unit's command.
“Do not shoot! Stand down, stand down!” I shouted into the radio. Banking on subtle signs that the driver may have been confused rather than hostile, I called them off.


You have an elevated threat level and reports of recent IED attacks but as a possible SVBIED careens towards you making "no attempt to stop or slow down" you decide, by "banking on subtle signs,” to do absolutely nothing. How many SVBIED bombers have you had speed up to your vehicle to allow you to bet the lives of your marines on your ability to detect some “subtle signs”? (I’m guessing zero.)
It reads to me like you were more worried about being responsible for an incident then protecting your marines’ lives.
But that is not the worst part.
I dismounted the vehicle with my Marines, set up a security perimeter as best we could, and cautiously approached the vehicle.


Here you make a bad decision worse by ordering your men to get out their vehicles near a possible SVBIED. Then you decide to approach the vehicle. It’s difficult for me to even conceive of the type of idiocy required to make this call. What exactly is a security parameter going to do against a bomb? Your armored vehicles are your only security from a bomb.
I had nearly given an order that would have injured or killed an innocent old man


Your order wouldn’t kill an innocent man if you had properly trained your marines to disable vehicles per your ROE. It’s a matter of having the right training, and the right weapons and ammo.
my proudest accomplishment was leading my platoon of 50 Marines to the desert of northwestern Iraq for eight months and home with no casualties sustained.


Nobody-got-hurt is your proudest accomplishment? I don’t understand this weird mindset among some military leaders but it’s certainly not uncommon. I’ve heard many infective combat leaders brag about their low casualty numbers after a deployment--it’s no surprise that we’re still at war 11 years later. Did your operations reduce the number of insurgent attacks? Did you successfully support other combat troops? Did you significantly disrupt the insurgent networks in your area? Did you positively affect security and stability for the local population?

Obviously the safety of your men is extremely important and I am critical of the poor decisions you made that could have resulted in unnecessary casualties, but as a marine, simply not getting hurt is never your mission nor should it be your proudest accomplishment in combat.

An incident similar to yours occurred early during my first deployment to Iraq. A marine company was headed to a camp also near the Syrian border--but this was in Al Qaim, in Al Anbar province. The convoy halted after a small IED went off near the lead vehicle. The marines were ordered to get out of their armored vehicles and “secure the area” when the secondary and much larger IED went off. This was a textbook IED ambush and because of poor leadership the marines were sucked right in. There were a large number of completely unnecessary causalities and more unfortunate, similar stories are not at all rare.

So you were lucky that in your case there was no bomb so you rationalized this after the fact as a result of your great leadership. But supposing you weren’t lucky, do you feel good explaining to your marines’ parents that you “can’t say that I was certain in the moment that I was making the right decision” but you were “banking on subtle signs”?

I’m sorry that my criticism sounds harsh. The good news is that, like everyone else on this forum, the admission committee will probably eat-up your story, but after being involved on and off in these wars for over a decade I’ve seen far too many poor leaders get away with this sort of idiotic, diffident behavior to bite my tongue.

This probably isn't the appropriate place to go on a personal tirade against OP's PS. HTH




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