New Personal Statement, Please Review

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tyler.durden
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New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:03 am

Thanks everyone!
Last edited by tyler.durden on Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Spritzpiggy
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby Spritzpiggy » Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:26 am

This is one of the best personal statements i have read here. The only thing I would change is the sentence that reads "thankfully my training, attention to detail, etc etc". I feel like it diminishes the rest of the story because, besides that sentence, you sound very humble. Your attention to detail is implied by the mere fact you called off the gunner, and its apparent you've been highly trained. But everything else is great. Maybe polish off the last paragraph a bit, and possibly a sentence or two telling about how you arrived at the decision where you are applying for law school today. But seriously, awesome PS :) congrats on all you've achieved

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:48 am

Spritzpiggy wrote:This is one of the best personal statements i have read here. The only thing I would change is the sentence that reads "thankfully my training, attention to detail, etc etc". I feel like it diminishes the rest of the story because, besides that sentence, you sound very humble. Your attention to detail is implied by the mere fact you called off the gunner, and its apparent you've been highly trained. But everything else is great. Maybe polish off the last paragraph a bit, and possibly a sentence or two telling about how you arrived at the decision where you are applying for law school today. But seriously, awesome PS :) congrats on all you've achieved



Thanks a lot, I really see what you mean about that "Thankfully" sentence... reading it now it looks horrible haha, its out. I aprpeciate you taking the time to read and give feedback!

tigershark
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tigershark » Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:51 am

OP, I think you've done a nice job revising your PS. I read/commented on your original and I feel this one is definitely more compelling.

One of the main things I noticed was the change of tenses, especially when you were describing those action-packed moments in Iraq. I also agree with Spritz that the last paragraph needs some work. I remember from your old PS you talked about being a first-gen high school grad and your homeschooling. I think those things are not insignificant and may be worth mentioning more in depth when you start talking about your education in the last para.

Good luck!

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 12:08 pm

tigershark wrote:OP, I think you've done a nice job revising your PS. I read/commented on your original and I feel this one is definitely more compelling.

One of the main things I noticed was the change of tenses, especially when you were describing those action-packed moments in Iraq. I also agree with Spritz that the last paragraph needs some work. I remember from your old PS you talked about being a first-gen high school grad and your homeschooling. I think those things are not insignificant and may be worth mentioning more in depth when you start talking about your education in the last para.

Good luck!


Hey thanks a lot! Good call on the tense thing, haha its pretty glaring. The last paragraph is giving me some trouble, I wanted to go into more detail regarding education and background but was afraid it would derail the PS. Thanks for taking the time again!

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Lincoln
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby Lincoln » Wed Aug 08, 2012 12:27 pm

I think this is excellent. Definitely address the previously stated point about the tenses, and if you can smoothly fit in your being a first-generation college graduate that's great, but that could potentially go in a separate diversity statement. I do have a few suggestions: First, I'm not a big fan of using "while" when the meaning is not temporal. Consider using "although" in its place. Second, there are a number of typos and punctuation mistakes you need to fix.

You are on the right track. Polish it and you should be good to go.

(FWIW I'm a LRW TA.)

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 12:47 pm

Lincoln wrote:I think this is excellent. Definitely address the previously stated point about the tenses, and if you can smoothly fit in your being a first-generation college graduate that's great, but that could potentially go in a separate diversity statement. I do have a few suggestions: First, I'm not a big fan of using "while" when the meaning is not temporal. Consider using "although" in its place. Second, there are a number of typos and punctuation mistakes you need to fix.

You are on the right track. Polish it and you should be good to go.

(FWIW I'm a LRW TA.)


Thanks! Definitely noted on the polishing, and appreciate the comment about using "while"...

So should I just move my homeschool/low-income/first high school/first college info to a diversity statement? Is it that important to mention? Should I leave it out?

Also, to anyone out there, do I need to tie this into why I want to go to law school or what I want to do after law school?

All input welcome, thanks!

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meshugaat
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby meshugaat » Wed Aug 08, 2012 1:40 pm

This is so much better than your last one, and I really enjoyed reading it all the way through.

tyler.durden wrote:I had nearly given an order that would have surley injured or killed an innocent old man


Spelling error.

tyler.durden wrote:Thankfully training, attention to detail, and maybe some luck allowed me to make the right decision.


Take out this sentence. This screams military cliche...if you are getting a LOR from the Marines, it would undoubtedly address the training and attention to detail you possess. Plus, your story already shows us that you have these, which is most important.

tyler.durden wrote:Also, to anyone out there, do I need to tie this into why I want to go to law school or what I want to do after law school?


You can, but you don't absolutely need to do so unless the school specifically requests it. You could put "why law" in your final paragraph if you can tie it in nicely to the rest of your statement.

thederangedwang
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:09 pm

I Like dis.

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:56 pm

*
Last edited by tyler.durden on Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:57 pm

thederangedwang wrote:I Like dis.


Thanks! Hopefully the adcoms do too...!

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CorkBoard
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 08, 2012 7:29 pm

This is pretty good. There are some things that need to be revised for clarity, but overall, I think it's much better than your first draft. I can go line by line when I get the chance, but definitely focus on the tenses and spelling.

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 9:39 pm

CorkBoard wrote:This is pretty good. There are some things that need to be revised for clarity, but overall, I think it's much better than your first draft. I can go line by line when I get the chance, but definitely focus on the tenses and spelling.


yeah it's pretty sloppy, i wrote this while at work so it was a start/stop kind of operation. I'm glad to see the reactions to this draft. It is encouraging that i might finally be on the right track as far as structure and topic...

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 9:51 pm

Is it best to post my next edit in this thread? Or should i create a new one? Dont want to break TLS protocol...

dsosah
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby dsosah » Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:06 pm

I really liked your essay, it kept me interested the whole time and the story really highlights your qualities as a leader etc.
The only thing I think needs work is the last paragraph, I think you need to address more of what you have learned, why you decided to go to law school, etc here, also relate it to what you talked about in the story.
I like your last sentence, but not as the last one, I think you need to finish with a stronger statement related to your character/decison to go to law school or something like that, or you can give the one you have a spin in that direction. Overall excellent essay though.

thederangedwang
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:07 pm

tyler.durden wrote:Is it best to post my next edit in this thread? Or should i create a new one? Dont want to break TLS protocol...

Considering how TLS will bust your ass faster and harder than any smansy pansy drill instructor, it was smart of you to ask.

Both are ok, but why dont you post it here and then if you dont get enough feedback, feel free to start a new thread

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:20 pm

dsosah wrote:I really liked your essay, it kept me interested the whole time and the story really highlights your qualities as a leader etc.
The only thing I think needs work is the last paragraph, I think you need to address more of what you have learned, why you decided to go to law school, etc here, also relate it to what you talked about in the story.
I like your last sentence, but not as the last one, I think you need to finish with a stronger statement related to your character/decison to go to law school or something like that, or you can give the one you have a spin in that direction. Overall excellent essay though.


Thanks! I agree, I've been trying to rework that last part (as well as all the stupid tense and spelling mistakes). Hopefully I'll have a new product soon. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

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tyler.durden
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Re: New Personal Statement, Please Review

Postby tyler.durden » Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:21 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
tyler.durden wrote:Is it best to post my next edit in this thread? Or should i create a new one? Dont want to break TLS protocol...

Considering how TLS will bust your ass faster and harder than any smansy pansy drill instructor, it was smart of you to ask.

Both are ok, but why dont you post it here and then if you dont get enough feedback, feel free to start a new thread


Ha! Yeah thats what I figured... thanks for the advice.




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