Thank you TLS for making me rewrite. New Draft and Topic!

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WanderingPondering
Posts: 444
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:47 am

Thank you TLS for making me rewrite. New Draft and Topic!

Postby WanderingPondering » Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:56 pm

You guys were awesome earlier today, tearing apart my first draft and convincing me to abandon the topic and rewrite. (see below for link)

viewtopic.php?f=18&t=191000

I had a brainstorming session, followed by writing a brief description of what I thought might work. So this is what I came up with. It's not perfect, but it has to be better than my last one right? It at least presents me in a positive light, albeit a non-academic one. Thanks so much to everyone who helped. I really do appreciate it.


The grueling uphill climbs were behind us. It was literally all downhill from there as we hiked out of Kesugi Ridge to our vans. For the last week we rummaged through dense brush, collecting water and soil samples from different areas of the park to be tested as part of our chemistry class. I was one of the strongest and most experienced hikers on the trip, and I often led the group hikes from the front while our teacher brought up the rear. The last day of the trip was the easiest, a gradual downhill on relatively wide path. After spending much of the time in the front, I switched places and moved to the back. Because of the ease of the walk and the lack of any technical maneuvers, the group marched quickly and took few breaks. After a week in the woods, everyone was tired, smelly, mauled by the infamous Alaskan mosquitos, and simply ready to get back to civilization.

During the trip, three of us created a word game to pass the time on the trails. On this day we were playing the game, competitive as always, and not paying close attention to the hike. We fell back from the rest of the group, but didn’t make anything of it. Being spread out wasn’t a huge deal as long as everyone knew where they were and where they were going. But after what felt like not much time at all, we looked up and realized everyone was out of sight. Somewhat concerned, we made an effort to pick up the pace and join the rest. After 15 minutes the realization that they weren’t in front of us began to sink in. Everyone was behind us, and that meant we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way.

My first response was to blow the whistle we each were carrying. In the best case scenario the rest of the group was close, would hear our whistle, return favor, and lead us to them. No such luck. We put our packs down and got out a map. We were confident that the rest of the group knew we were missing, and thus were able to remain calm and even make an incredibly relevant Into the Wild joke. Using my contour map I was able to locate our position, an important first step. We didn’t know exactly where the vans were parked, but had a general idea. The time was passing, but we had daylight as fortunately the summer Alaskan sun stays strong late into the night. But because it was the last day of the hike and we planned on eating in town, we had very little reserve food and needed a resolution.

We had a few options, but before we could act we had to decide what the rest of the group was most likely to do. If they were close to the trailhead, we figured everyone would hike out and the teacher would come back and retrace the steps either alone or with a park ranger. If there were miles to go, the group was more likely to remain in its place and wait. We decided we had to go back and find which turn we missed. We strapped on our packs and starting running. I led the two others, map in one hand and the whistle continuously blowing. Finally we heard some noise in the distance. As we got closer, we heard collective whistles followed by yelling. We made the right choice. The group stayed in its spot and waited for hours. The sense of relief that passed through me was unlike any other feeling I have ever felt. Although I certainly contributed to the near disaster, my ability to stay collected and think clearly helped us turn a potentially dangerous situation into simply an embarrassing mistake.

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Samara
Posts: 3245
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 4:26 pm

Re: Thank you TLS for making me rewrite. New Draft and Topic!

Postby Samara » Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:00 pm

You're on the right track. Shorten up the narrative considerably, add two or three paragraphs about what you learned, how it relates to law school, and why you want to go and you'll be in business.

WanderingPondering
Posts: 444
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:47 am

Re: Thank you TLS for making me rewrite. New Draft and Topic!

Postby WanderingPondering » Wed Aug 08, 2012 9:39 am

Thanks Samara!




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