Critique My Personal Statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tyler.durden
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Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tyler.durden » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:08 pm

Thanks everyone for your input... back to the drawing board for the next draft.
Last edited by tyler.durden on Wed Aug 08, 2012 7:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

tigershark
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tigershark » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:15 pm

I actually quite like this (granted I've only had time to skim it). I like the idea, I think it flows well for the most part and it showcases many of your desirable attributes.

I would say that the second paragraph needs a bit of work. I think there are points where you are TOO specific and others where you aren't detailed enough. It also didn't quite flow like the rest of the PS.

Good work! And thank you for your service.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tyler.durden » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:18 pm

tigershark wrote:I actually quite like this (granted I've only had time to skim it). I like the idea, I think it flows well for the most part and it showcases many of your desirable attributes.

I would say that the second paragraph needs a bit of work. I think there are points where you are TOO specific and others where you aren't detailed enough. It also didn't quite flow like the rest of the PS.

Good work! And thank you for your service.


Thanks! I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:20 pm

Skimmed this as well, but it's pretty long. You need some paragraph breaks.

Last paragraph needs some work because you leave it really open ended (maybe I won't pursue law after all is sort of the vibe I get when you mention the FBI stuff), but that could be fixed if you say you really want to use your legal degree for some specific position. Or you could cut that entirely.

Overall, I think this theme is pretty good and you definitely have a lot to work with, which is good.

I'll come back to it a little later and do some more edits, but that's what I noticed right off the bat.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tyler.durden » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:23 pm

CorkBoard wrote:Skimmed this as well, but it's pretty long. You need some paragraph breaks.

Last paragraph needs some work because you leave it really open ended (maybe I won't pursue law after all is sort of the vibe I get when you mention the FBI stuff), but that could be fixed if you say you really want to use your legal degree for some specific position. Or you could cut that entirely.

Overall, I think this theme is pretty good and you definitely have a lot to work with, which is good.

I'll come back to it a little later and do some more edits, but that's what I noticed right off the bat.



Definitely see where you're coming from, great perspective. Look forward to any other edits later.

geauxsaints
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby geauxsaints » Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:49 pm

I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.

I do not want to sound offensive but your opening paragraphs regarding your motivation behind enlisting and experience at MEPS come across as really self-righteous and almost like pandering. There is a sense of officer elitism throughout the entire PS, but that might be due to my enlisted bias. "I remember the administrator taking me aside to tell me that he had never seen a higher score" is an incredibly unimpressive accomplishment that makes you sound arrogant.

...Just sayin'

tigershark
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tigershark » Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:29 pm

geauxsaints wrote:I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.


I think OP does this, especially in his discussion of leading his platoon in Iraq for 8 months and returning home with no casualties. Perhaps more specifics about this time in Iraq? I didn't really get a "resume" feel from the PS.

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tyler.durden
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tyler.durden » Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:45 pm

geauxsaints wrote:I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.

I do not want to sound offensive but your opening paragraphs regarding your motivation behind enlisting and experience at MEPS come across as really self-righteous and almost like pandering. There is a sense of officer elitism throughout the entire PS, but that might be due to my enlisted bias. "I remember the administrator taking me aside to tell me that he had never seen a higher score" is an incredibly unimpressive accomplishment that makes you sound arrogant.

...Just sayin'


I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me feedback, definitely not offensive. I dont think telling one story about my deployment would accurately capture what I am trying to convey to the audience. Though believe me, I'm stressing over this PS situation and I'm working on a couple other versions, several of which are much more drilled down on deployment experience...

As for the officer elitism, I see your point with regard to the test administrator line... so much so that I think i'll completely take that out. i do agree that it sounds arrogant that certainly is not the impression I am trying to make. As for officer elitism in the rest of the PS, please show me where? I think that might be a bit unfair unless you can give me an example...

Anyway, I do honestly appreciate your input. Thanks.

drive4showLSAT4dough
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:47 pm

Overall, a very powerful and effective personal statement. It ain't braggin if ya done it.

Thank you, OP.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:58 pm

tyler.durden wrote:
geauxsaints wrote:I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.

I do not want to sound offensive but your opening paragraphs regarding your motivation behind enlisting and experience at MEPS come across as really self-righteous and almost like pandering. There is a sense of officer elitism throughout the entire PS, but that might be due to my enlisted bias. "I remember the administrator taking me aside to tell me that he had never seen a higher score" is an incredibly unimpressive accomplishment that makes you sound arrogant.

...Just sayin'


I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me feedback, definitely not offensive. I dont think telling one story about my deployment would accurately capture what I am trying to convey to the audience. Though believe me, I'm stressing over this PS situation and I'm working on a couple other versions, several of which are much more drilled down on deployment experience...

As for the officer elitism, I see your point with regard to the test administrator line... so much so that I think i'll completely take that out. i do agree that it sounds arrogant that certainly is not the impression I am trying to make. As for officer elitism in the rest of the PS, please show me where? I think that might be a bit unfair unless you can give me an example...

Anyway, I do honestly appreciate your input. Thanks.

I agree with him about the high score line, but I definitely don't think you're elitist in the rest of the piece.

geauxsaints
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:52 am

Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby geauxsaints » Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:09 pm

tyler.durden wrote:
geauxsaints wrote:I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.

I do not want to sound offensive but your opening paragraphs regarding your motivation behind enlisting and experience at MEPS come across as really self-righteous and almost like pandering. There is a sense of officer elitism throughout the entire PS, but that might be due to my enlisted bias. "I remember the administrator taking me aside to tell me that he had never seen a higher score" is an incredibly unimpressive accomplishment that makes you sound arrogant.

...Just sayin'


I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me feedback, definitely not offensive. I dont think telling one story about my deployment would accurately capture what I am trying to convey to the audience. Though believe me, I'm stressing over this PS situation and I'm working on a couple other versions, several of which are much more drilled down on deployment experience...

As for the officer elitism, I see your point with regard to the test administrator line... so much so that I think i'll completely take that out. i do agree that it sounds arrogant that certainly is not the impression I am trying to make. As for officer elitism in the rest of the PS, please show me where? I think that might be a bit unfair unless you can give me an example...

Anyway, I do honestly appreciate your input. Thanks.


After re-reading, I agree that my "officer elitism throughout" statement was an unfair assessment and pretty snarky.

I think you have a pretty amazing story and obviously have characteristics most adcom's surely look for in applicants. However, your PS does need to be shortened substantially. You should be able to trim alot of the "fat" in my opinion. I recommend you read a lot of PS on here and you'll see what I mean. These adcom read hundreds of PS and they all start to sound the same. Especially military ones. I would totally avoid the enlisting, ROTC, undergrad/work (this is all in your resume). Instead, I would focus on being a leader of marines in a combat zone! Not many men can say they did this and this is what will make a lasting impression, in my opinion.

Edit

Also, Semper Fi

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tyler.durden
Posts: 287
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Re: Critique My Personal Statement?

Postby tyler.durden » Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:20 pm

geauxsaints wrote:
tyler.durden wrote:
geauxsaints wrote:I feel like this is more of an autobiography then a personal statement. Your PS should display your best qualities without listing them like a resume. I feel that your experience as an Officer in a combat zone is a great topic. I think you should tell a specific story regarding that experience that displays your leadership, problem-solving, and other abilities.

I do not want to sound offensive but your opening paragraphs regarding your motivation behind enlisting and experience at MEPS come across as really self-righteous and almost like pandering. There is a sense of officer elitism throughout the entire PS, but that might be due to my enlisted bias. "I remember the administrator taking me aside to tell me that he had never seen a higher score" is an incredibly unimpressive accomplishment that makes you sound arrogant.

...Just sayin'


I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me feedback, definitely not offensive. I dont think telling one story about my deployment would accurately capture what I am trying to convey to the audience. Though believe me, I'm stressing over this PS situation and I'm working on a couple other versions, several of which are much more drilled down on deployment experience...

As for the officer elitism, I see your point with regard to the test administrator line... so much so that I think i'll completely take that out. i do agree that it sounds arrogant that certainly is not the impression I am trying to make. As for officer elitism in the rest of the PS, please show me where? I think that might be a bit unfair unless you can give me an example...

Anyway, I do honestly appreciate your input. Thanks.


After re-reading, I agree that my "officer elitism throughout" statement was an unfair assessment and pretty snarky.

I think you have a pretty amazing story and obviously have characteristics most adcom's surely look for in applicants. However, your PS does need to be shortened substantially. You should be able to trim alot of the "fat" in my opinion. I recommend you read a lot of PS on here and you'll see what I mean. These adcom read hundreds of PS and they all start to sound the same. Especially military ones. I would totally avoid the enlisting, ROTC, undergrad/work (this is all in your resume). Instead, I would focus on being a leader of marines in a combat zone! Not many men can say they did this and this is what will make a lasting impression, in my opinion.

Edit

Also, Semper Fi


Thanks again, and have been reading others and mine is pretty damn long... have to start working on trimming it back! - Semper Fi!




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