New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

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TomahawkChopper
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:28 pm

New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

Postby TomahawkChopper » Mon Aug 06, 2012 5:43 pm

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Last edited by TomahawkChopper on Tue Aug 07, 2012 8:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

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SaintsTheMetal
Posts: 429
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:08 am

Re: New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

Postby SaintsTheMetal » Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:50 am

I don't have much productive to say since I'm not expert, but I thought this paragraph:

"Andy, Phil and Edouard are still three of my best friends. At the time Jeffrey was too. A captain on the track team, social leader of the group, and a self-proclaimed comedian, Jeffrey was one of the guys who made the year memorable. In the weeks after I returned to school, he would sometimes come to my room to play video games or just talk during those sleepless nights that my mind wouldn’t let me stop reliving the episode. After he graduated and moved away, I began dating a girl he used to be involved with. Our friendship fell apart, one of my greatest regrets."

was one of the weirdest things I've ever read in a PS. This PS led me wondering wtf I would care about Jefferey and the fact you banged his ex

That paragraph could be summed up in the first paragraph with: ...Andrew, Phillip, and Edouard, some of my long-time best friends,... or something similar

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Systematic1
Posts: 237
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2012 5:14 pm

Re: New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

Postby Systematic1 » Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:24 am

TomahawkChopper wrote:I've been having a really tough time finding a subject to write about. Please please please let me know what you think. Thanks!



I did not wake up in my bed on April 13th, 2008. Instead, I woke up fifty miles away in a city I had previously only driven through. On April 12th I had curly hair long enough to put in my mouth. The next morning my head was completely shaved. On April 12th I was a competitive collegiate runner. The next morning I couldn’t walk. Just one day prior I was considered a competitive collegiate runner, but now I couldn't even walk. On April 12th My friends Andrew, Phillip, and Edouard had carried me to the local hospital after tripping on a low hanging chain in a parking lot and landing on my head. They first brought me to our friend Jeffrey’s apartment to let me relax, but he instructed them to get me to a doctor. The next day By the time I awoke from the chemical induced coma, I was in the Intensive Care Unit of one of the largest hospitals in New York with over 100 staples in my head and tubes connected to me in more places than I thought was possible. My friends were there in the family room. My parents, coaches, teammates, professors, deans, and even the school rabbi joined them in the following week.

Andy, Phil and Edouard are still three of my best friends. At the time Jeffrey was too. A captain on the track team, social leader of the group, and a self-proclaimed comedian, Jeffrey was one of the guys who made the year memorable. In the weeks after I returned to school, he would sometimes come to my room to play video games or just talk during those sleepless nights that my mind wouldn’t let me stop reliving the episode. After he graduated and moved away, I began dating a girl he used to be involved with. Our friendship fell apart, one of my greatest regrets.

“We almost had an organ donation” was one of the first things I remember my doctor telling me after I woke from a coma. I didn’t think much of it until I realized I wasn’t going to be the one on the receiving end of a donation. I’ll never know how close I was to the opposite fate. Five hours? 30 minutes? In either case, I made it out because of the decisions of Andy, Phil, Ed and Jeff. I speak with three of them nearly every day, and haven’t spoken with the other in years. We never talk about what they did for me that night, but to me, they’re all heroes.

Just a few months after my injury, I was back in school taking a full course load and competing in track. In February 2009 I broke onto our school’s record board in my event and qualified for a prestigious East Coast postseason meet. My hair grew back, although I now keep it much shorter than I used to. I completely recovered, even though Andy and Ed still tease me about my injury if I ever have a brief mental lapse. Despite not being able to finish all my classes that semester, I was able to graduate on time and walk with my friends and teammates. I came a long way since that April night, but I still have a ways to go. I’ve been given a second lease on life, and am determined to make my mark. I am confident that I can conquer whatever challenges come my way, and excited for the possibilities that await me.


Started editing, and then realized what the fuck am I reading....hahaha I'm not sure if this is a serious ps or a flame anymore.

Edit: and yea, the part about railing the dude's x, and now feeling bad....why is that even relevant...?

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barestin
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Re: New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

Postby barestin » Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:32 am

Retake.

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CorkBoard
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Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: New First Draft- Please Destroy It!

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:28 am

Just write your PS about banging your friend's ex gf.




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