New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Mr. Frodo
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New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Mon Aug 06, 2012 5:16 pm

PM me to take a look at my PS and I will get right back to you.
Last edited by Mr. Frodo on Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:34 pm

You write well & are destined to become an engineer.

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AlanShore
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby AlanShore » Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:45 pm

It's pretty interesting. Fixing your car is really impressive to me but the topic confuses me. Since you're applying to law school, I think you need to tie the car fixing and IP law a little better. You are excited about IP law because you fixed your car?


(edited because I completely missed the IP part at the end)

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:24 am

AlanShore wrote:It's pretty interesting. Fixing your car is really impressive to me but the topic confuses me. Since you're applying to law school, I think you need to tie the car fixing and IP law a little better. You are excited about IP law because you fixed your car?


(edited because I completely missed the IP part at the end)



The last sentence sucks and is terribly awkward. I used it as a placeholder to try and get some feedback about whether I should even tie my interest in law into the PS. I'm thinking that I shouldn't and should therefore just use the PS as it is, without explicit mention of "why law."

Regarding the technical aspect of this PS, is it still too much? I think I changed it significantly from its previous version. I tried to create an emotional link that was missing as well.

Does anyone still see any holes in this PS? And what are your thoughts about whether or not to tie in a mention of "why law"? As you can see, this PS is already pretty long (about 1.33 pages in word, 1" margins, size 11 arial font) so the length needs to be taken into consideration.

Thanks for your input! I really appreciate it!

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CorkBoard
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:23 am

I think this is fine for the most part, but still a little too long.

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Spritzpiggy
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Spritzpiggy » Wed Aug 08, 2012 8:54 am

Definitely too long with unnecessary details. I don't see any relevance in certain parts - so what you always vacationed in Vermont, that you had 5 allotted vacation days, or that your friend came by at 5 am on a Saturday, etc. Also, you really charged to set up friends wireless networks? I understand you were saving money but keep this part short - a simple sentence like "for months I raked neighborhood leaves, sold golf clubs, and did odd jobs until I saved enough" would do. Read through and ask yourself what you intend your reader to learn from each sentence. I agree you need to tie this into IP law more - this makes me think youre interested in being a mechanic, not a lawyer. I would shorten the story substantially and then talk more about what led you to the point in your life where you are now applying to law school. Hope this helps

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:34 pm

Spritzpiggy wrote:Definitely too long with unnecessary details. I don't see any relevance in certain parts - so what you always vacationed in Vermont, that you had 5 allotted vacation days, or that your friend came by at 5 am on a Saturday, etc. Also, you really charged to set up friends wireless networks? I understand you were saving money but keep this part short - a simple sentence like "for months I raked neighborhood leaves, sold golf clubs, and did odd jobs until I saved enough" would do. Read through and ask yourself what you intend your reader to learn from each sentence. I agree you need to tie this into IP law more - this makes me think youre interested in being a mechanic, not a lawyer. I would shorten the story substantially and then talk more about what led you to the point in your life where you are now applying to law school. Hope this helps


Does a PS necessarily have to mention "why law" though? I agree that there is some stuff that can easily be removed, but the point of the PS is the accomplishment and the process involved and what it showcases in terms of character etc.. I don't want to be a mechanic at all honestly, it's just something I was able to figure out/needed to do if I wanted to keep my car. Definitely just a hobby.

Expanding into why law on top of this story, would definitely make the PS too long I feel. I imply on doing as many Why X essays as possible, FYI, where perhaps the why law and why X school could be better incorporated?

TL;DR... I'm having a tough time deciding if I should even incorporate my interest in law at all, and if so, how to make it transition in a way that isn't awkward like it currently is.

I appreciate your criticism, and I'm using it to revise my PS as we speak.

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:35 pm

CorkBoard wrote:I think this is fine for the most part, but still a little too long.


Fine/10 = X/10. X=?

:D

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Spritzpiggy
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Spritzpiggy » Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:14 pm

Read the blog Ask Asha, she is the dean of Yale. She specifically says she wants to know how you decided to apply. What decisions or events led you to the point in your life where you are now applying to law school. I figure if she wants it, its a good idea for any law school app. Of course, the whole thing shouldn't be about Why Law, but when its all done the reader should see that law school is a logical step

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Fri Aug 10, 2012 1:35 pm

Spritzpiggy wrote: Also, you really charged to set up friends wireless networks?


I actually did some serious networking, and it was mostly for people I was like good friends with. I'm talking re-routing cables from floor to floor, setting up secure network storage, adding network cards to old desktops, showing these people how to use their stuff, etc. It wasn't just plugging in their Netgear and saying gimme $20. I'm taking this part out anyway though, because I don't want to sound like an ass. :)

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iMisto
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby iMisto » Thu Aug 23, 2012 5:32 pm

A professor of mine says 'upon' should be removed from any serious writing, FWIW.

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Thu Aug 23, 2012 8:47 pm

iMisto wrote:A professor of mine says 'upon' should be removed from any serious writing, FWIW.


Thanks for the info, I'll be sure to make the change. What did you think otherwise?

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bobbypin
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby bobbypin » Tue Sep 04, 2012 3:23 am

I think the specifics of what type of law you want to pursue is unnecessary. Overall, I found your essay to be very compelling. It says that you are intellectually curious, self-motivated, tenacious, inquisitive, and determined. Thank you for sharing.

bmore
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby bmore » Tue Sep 04, 2012 6:50 am

Really???? "I was overcome with grief". Tone it down a little. Overall I like it.

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:44 am

bobbypin wrote:I think the specifics of what type of law you want to pursue is unnecessary. Overall, I found your essay to be very compelling. It says that you are intellectually curious, self-motivated, tenacious, inquisitive, and determined. Thank you for sharing.



Thanks, I appreciate your comment!

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:46 am

bmore wrote:Really???? "I was overcome with grief". Tone it down a little. Overall I like it.



This entire PS has been slightly revised, with such tonal issues revised in the process. Thanks for your comment though. I went back to check my document to make sure this was changed and ended up finding something else small that I wanted to change in the process.

bmore
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby bmore » Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:57 am

You are still overcome with "grief" and joy". :roll:

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Tue Sep 04, 2012 10:03 am

bmore wrote:You are still overcome with "grief" and joy". :roll:


Never revised it on here my friend, just on my own computer. :lol:

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:39 am

Ugh, how do you guys think I should best replace the "grief and joy" problems with my PS? I keep staring blankly at what I have and don't like it one bit.

Interested to hear how someone else might phrase these small pieces.

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CorkBoard
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:08 pm

Mr. Frodo wrote:Ugh, how do you guys think I should best replace the "grief and joy" problems with my PS? I keep staring blankly at what I have and don't like it one bit.

Interested to hear how someone else might phrase these small pieces.

I thought you said you changed it already.

Anyway, I can't remember the context that these phrases were used in so it's sort of hard to direct you. Maybe say "I was elated"?

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Mr. Frodo
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby Mr. Frodo » Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:19 pm

CorkBoard wrote:
Mr. Frodo wrote:Ugh, how do you guys think I should best replace the "grief and joy" problems with my PS? I keep staring blankly at what I have and don't like it one bit.

Interested to hear how someone else might phrase these small pieces.

I thought you said you changed it already.

Anyway, I can't remember the context that these phrases were used in so it's sort of hard to direct you. Maybe say "I was elated"?


"overcome with grief" - regarding feeling right after engine exploded
"overcome with joy" - when finally realized project was done and much had been learned

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CorkBoard
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Re: New PS Draft - All criticism welcome!

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:27 pm

Mr. Frodo wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
Mr. Frodo wrote:Ugh, how do you guys think I should best replace the "grief and joy" problems with my PS? I keep staring blankly at what I have and don't like it one bit.

Interested to hear how someone else might phrase these small pieces.

I thought you said you changed it already.

Anyway, I can't remember the context that these phrases were used in so it's sort of hard to direct you. Maybe say "I was elated"?


"overcome with grief" - regarding feeling right after engine exploded
"overcome with joy" - when finally realized project was done and much had been learned

"I was devastated/disappointed"
"I was elated/overjoyed"




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