very personal first draft of ps about death

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LSATSCORES2012
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very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby LSATSCORES2012 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 1:52 pm

Thanks for the help everyone!

-PS removed-
Last edited by LSATSCORES2012 on Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

zoomzoom88
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 1:55 pm

I think you still need to address why you want to be a lawyer. definitely a very personal story, but relate it back to law and the legal profession. I'm unsure as to how this story ties into that.

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rinkrat19
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:05 pm

While it's not an awful piece of writing, I don't think this is terribly effective as a PS so far. It's mostly about your uncle, not you. Apparently you think your uncle's life was pathetic and friendless and pointless, and that's why he's crying. I read it and think that even a person who'd had lots of friends would probably cry a lot and wish they'd done more things if they were suddenly told they only had a few months to live--it's not necessarily an indication that their life was meaningless. And then there's a random person introduced for two sentences near the end who comes completely out of left field.

The middle part is okay. I think you just spend too much overly dramatic time on your uncle. Cut the part about your uncle down to a few sentences, and use that space to write about something about YOUR life that shows that you are already trying not to be a 'washout in the end.' You're (presumably) 20-something years old; law school should not be the first meaningful thing you've done. Talk about having friends, appreciating family, enjoying something non-work/academic, etc. Law school is another important thing on this list of meaningful things.

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laxbrah420
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby laxbrah420 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:17 pm

Easy on the melodrama breh. Do you always write like that or did you attempt to add emphasis through strange punctuation? One word sentences, colons, dashes, and MLK/Obama style word repetition is pretty annoying

CanadianWolf
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:20 pm

Lacks depth. Too repetitive.

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Samara
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby Samara » Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:40 pm

This tells me nothing about why you want to be a lawyer. Why is becoming a lawyer automatically an unqualified success? I would actually argue that your whole essay undercuts your application. Your uncle's regret was not spending time with friends and family, something that is at odds with becoming a successful lawyer. Your friend at the end managed to "do more living than most" without going to grad school or pursuing a high-level professional career. After reading this, I would recommend you NOT attend law school.

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Systematic1
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby Systematic1 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:45 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:And then there's a random person introduced for two sentences near the end who comes completely out of left field.


This. Get rid of that ending, and maybe replace it with a sentence or two about why you want to go to law school or something else you plan to do in your future, but definitely not more death. For the record, I thought it was decent. You just need to spend a little bit more time talking about yourself and not so much about your uncle. Also $2mil as a hairdresser, what...?


Samara wrote:Your uncle's regret was not spending time with friends and family, something that is at odds with becoming a successful lawyer.


This also crossed my mind as well.

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CorkBoard
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby CorkBoard » Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:31 pm

Very personal, and while it's not written horribly, I don't think this would be an appropriate topic for a PS. I also think that "structuring your life around this fear" sounds really negative and overly dramatic.

This topic isn't really about you. While I sympathize with it, I think you should pick a new one entirely.

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LSATSCORES2012
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby LSATSCORES2012 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:35 pm

Thank you for your replies - they've all be very helpful, and have shown me some of the downfalls of what I've written. Based upon your comments, I think I have a good idea of how to rewrite the statement.

I'm thinking about playing off of what rinkrat suggested, and taking one of these experiences in which I've had an meaningful impact on others, and making that the focus of the PS - while, in the background, building in my uncle and how I do these things in order to ensure that I don't end up in the same situation. Through this, I think I'll be able to more thoroughly show how this ties into law, while avoiding the melodrama and repetition.

Systematic1 wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:And then there's a random person introduced for two sentences near the end who comes completely out of left field.


This. Get rid of that ending, and maybe replace it with a sentence or two about why you want to go to law school or something else you plan to do in your future, but definitely not more death. For the record, I thought it was decent. You just need to spend a little bit more time talking about yourself and not so much about your uncle. Also $2mil as a hairdresser, what...?


Samara wrote:Your uncle's regret was not spending time with friends and family, something that is at odds with becoming a successful lawyer.


This also crossed my mind as well.
Thank you for this, too. I'll also try to do something to refocus it on the future, instead of the past, though my story will delve into the past, but I think I can focus it on how it will influence my future.

And the two million was actually from the properties. I mention that he bought one property there, but then he bought more and more, until he ended up with 10 high-value properties in the philadelphia area.

Then he sold them last year in a bout of craziness as the cancer spread to his brain and he decided he wanted to live in a trailer :/

CorkBoard wrote:Very personal, and while it's not written horribly, I don't think this would be an appropriate topic for a PS. I also think that "structuring your life around this fear" sounds really negative and overly dramatic.

This topic isn't really about you. While I sympathize with it, I think you should pick a new one entirely.

Thank you for this, too. Do you think that if I do what I mentioned above, making this kind of a back story, as opposed to the focus, it might work?


Thanks again to everyone for all your input. I really, really appreciate it.
Last edited by LSATSCORES2012 on Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Samara
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Re: very personal first draft of ps about death

Postby Samara » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:21 pm

I understand that this may be a very impactful experience for you, but I agree with Cork, you should try a new topic. I don't see how it relates to your desire to be a lawyer and I think the message is the opposite of what you mean to convey. What if an adcomm reads it the same way? IMO, everyone should try out at least a couple of topics. I think many, if not most, people with a good PS changed their topic several times.




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