revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

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zoomzoom88
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revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 1:15 pm

In front of me laid a bounty of cardboard boxes of the opposition’s subpoenaed files. Each box was filled over the brim with bank account statements, credit card statements and expense reports. My boss, the senior partner at the law firm that I work at, had given me the task of “figuring out what doesn’t make sense” within the countless pages of numbers.

As an intern at a law firm that specializes in Family Practice and Marital Law, I had been given many challenging and detail orientated tasks, but this one was exceptional. It is not often that one finds their life’s passion while discovering a million dollar money laundering scheme.

There is something exclusive about being young and determined. To me it takes the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. That afternoon, night and morning, I found myself pouring into what surrounded me. I traced transfers, withdrawals and deposits through accounts, watching money appear and disappear. I spent hours understanding the intricacies of each page. The part that “didn’t make sense” was how each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

It struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's failed Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school and building his own firm. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that was going to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My Grandpa passed away on April 8th, 2009 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not pay for.

Sitting on the fold out chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit others. It was, in that moment, that not only my future as a lawyer cemented itself, but also the field of law I would pursue aswell.

My boss was astounded at the depth of the scheme. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court; our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the justice that was deserved.

As a law school student at “ University School of Law” I will pursue a legal education with a concentration in financial law and regulation. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money, but also because I wish to prevent anyone from having to experience what my Grandfather did. The United States’ legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations, lawyers with a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.

As a nation we have watched the tumultuous effects of an economic recession, sparked by the greed and manipulation of a few. If it only takes one man to swindle thousands of people, and a relatively small group of people to initiate a nationwide recession, what does it take to protect the hard-working and honest people from these events? I wish to aid in the effort to close in on those willing to maneuver and abuse the financial systems of the nation. Even more importantly, I wish to work on behalf of Americans who are putting their time and energy into reinvigorating our economic systems. These individuals should never have to worry about the security of their finances or financial systems. I believe “University School of Law” offers me the best opportunity to achieve this.

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CorkBoard
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby CorkBoard » Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:33 pm

I will get to the rest of this in a bit, but that last paragraph needs to go.

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drmguy
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby drmguy » Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:54 pm

I just quickly breezed over it. I agree with cork.

zoomzoom88
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:57 pm

drmguy wrote:I just quickly breezed over it. I agree with cork.



will do. what did you think of the first part?

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drmguy
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby drmguy » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:17 pm

zoomzoom88 wrote:
drmguy wrote:I just quickly breezed over it. I agree with cork.



will do. what did you think of the first part?

You jump around with your tense in the first few paragraphs. Also, I don't like using potentially ambiguous pronouns in the first sentence of a paragraph. Concise is a good thing. Last thing, try not to go nuts with commas.

I like the general theme, but I wasn't drawn in until half-way through.

zoomzoom88
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Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 4:03 am

Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:23 pm

drmguy wrote:
zoomzoom88 wrote:
drmguy wrote:I just quickly breezed over it. I agree with cork.



will do. what did you think of the first part?

You jump around with your tense in the first few paragraphs. Also, I don't like using potentially ambiguous pronouns in the first sentence of a paragraph. Concise is a good thing. Last thing, try not to go nuts with commas.

I like the general theme, but I wasn't drawn in until half-way through.



thank you for the feedback! i will work on the intro and conclusion!

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CorkBoard
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby CorkBoard » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:43 pm

drmguy wrote:I like the general theme, but I wasn't drawn in until half-way through.

Starting with the Bernie Madoff part, right?

OP, I think this might be a strong way to open up your PS, and then talk about why you want to study law, etc., but don't say you're going to law school to save America. That just sounds cliche as hell.

zoomzoom88
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Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 4:03 am

Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby zoomzoom88 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:48 pm

CorkBoard wrote:
drmguy wrote:I like the general theme, but I wasn't drawn in until half-way through.

Starting with the Bernie Madoff part, right?

OP, I think this might be a strong way to open up your PS, and then talk about why you want to study law, etc., but don't say you're going to law school to save America. That just sounds cliche as hell.



hahah deal. ill work on it and post a new one later in the week. Ill leave the saving america part to capt. underpants. thx!

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drmguy
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby drmguy » Sun Aug 05, 2012 4:50 pm

CorkBoard wrote:
drmguy wrote:I like the general theme, but I wasn't drawn in until half-way through.

Starting with the Bernie Madoff part, right?

OP, I think this might be a strong way to open up your PS, and then talk about why you want to study law, etc., but don't say you're going to law school to save America. That just sounds cliche as hell.

Yep

geauxsaints
Posts: 25
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Re: revised ps - feel free to destroy it !!

Postby geauxsaints » Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:06 pm

zoomzoom88 wrote:In front of me laid a bounty of cardboard boxes of the opposition’s subpoenaed files. Each box was filled over the brim with bank account statements, credit card statements and expense reports. My boss, the senior partner at the law firm that I work at, had given me the task of “figuring out what doesn’t make sense” within the countless pages of numbers.

As an intern at a law firm that specializes in Family Practice and Marital Law, I had been given many challenging and detail orientated tasks, but this one was exceptional. It is not often that one finds their life’s passion while discovering a million dollar money laundering scheme.

There is something exclusive about being young and determined. To me it takes the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. *I really do not like this sentence. There is something "exclusive about being young?" Find a different way to say that you were determined. That afternoon, night and morning, I found myself pouring into what surrounded me. I traced transfers, withdrawals and deposits through accounts, watching money appear and disappear. I spent hours understanding the intricacies of each page. The part that “didn’t make sense” was how each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

It struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's failed Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school and building his own firm. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that was going to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My Grandpa passed away on April 8th, 2009 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not pay for.

Sitting on the fold out chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit others. It was, in that moment, that not only my future as a lawyer cemented itself, but also the field of law I would pursue aswell. *this sentence has to be re-written. "in that moment" is really cliche. I like the rest of the sentence, you just have to re-word it, in my opinion.

My boss was astounded at the depth of the scheme. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court; our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the justice that was deserved.

As a law school student at “ University School of Law” I will pursue a legal education with a concentration in financial law and regulation. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money, but also because I wish to prevent anyone from having to experience what my Grandfather did. The United States’ legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations, lawyers with a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.

As a nation we have watched the tumultuous effects of an economic recession, sparked by the greed and manipulation of a few. If it only takes one man to swindle thousands of people, and a relatively small group of people to initiate a nationwide recession, what does it take to protect the hard-working and honest people from these events? I wish to aid in the effort to close in on those willing to maneuver and abuse the financial systems of the nation. Even more importantly, I wish to work on behalf of Americans who are putting their time and energy into reinvigorating our economic systems. These individuals should never have to worry about the security of their finances or financial systems. I believe “University School of Law” offers me the best opportunity to achieve this.*I agree with the above poster that this paragraph has to go. It is not necessary.



I didn't thoroughly check for grammar etc but I really like your topic. If the school you're applying to stands out in tax law, that may be worth mentioning specifically. Also, if the school has a respected dual degree program in finance. Overall, I think it's a really strong PS and makes you seem determined, motivated and confident in law school. Good luck!!




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