2nd(ish) Draft- All critiques welcome and desired!

[harttrek1]

DELETE

[CorkBoard]

I think this is actually really beautifully written but I do NOT see the correlation between this story and why you want to become a commercial lawyer. I think the story focuses more on what happened to your friends rather than you.

I can see what happened, but I really just don't see how it says much about you as an individual.

[harttrek1]

Corkboard-Thanks for your input. I absolutely agree. In my head, the connection is apparent. I suffered this tragedy which first cultivated the idea of being a lawyer, and from there i learned that I actually did want to be a lawyer, just not for the less mature reasons which first came to light. That is my one major flaw with this piece so far, I cannot seem to make the connection obvious to the reader. Any suggestion as to how to better implement that?

Also, as far as learning more about me as an individual through the piece, should I put in a section about how I developed in other ways since that time? Thanks again.

[rowingmyboat]

I recognized instantly that my skills, desires, and background make me a seamless match for a satisfying and impactful career in commercial law.

This needs major expanding on. Think about what characteristics about your self you want the adcomms to know and make sure to show how you embody those characteristics without just telling us with nothing to back it up.

It can be tough to do with a subject like this, but make sure to focus on you.

[CorkBoard]

Corkboard-Thanks for your input. I absolutely agree. In my head, the connection is apparent. I suffered this tragedy which first cultivated the idea of being a lawyer, and from there i learned that I actually did want to be a lawyer, just not for the less mature reasons which first came to light. That is my one major flaw with this piece so far, I cannot seem to make the connection obvious to the reader. Any suggestion as to how to better implement that?

Also, as far as learning more about me as an individual through the piece, should I put in a section about how I developed in other ways since that time? Thanks again.

I don't know if you got involved in activities as a result of what happened? How did you act upon this event? No one can really tell you what to write about. Experiment with some ideas and see where it takes you.

[harttrek1]

Great input, thanks a ton to both of you, and anyone else in advance. I knew there was a problem with it along these lines, I just couldn't identify it. This is really helpful. Keep 'em coming.

[harttrek1]

See above for new edits

[CorkBoard]

See above for new edits

Hm, see, you are only briefly mentioning these other things that tell me about you.

Think thoroughly about what else you want to write about. Don't force it.