First draft..time to feed the vultures

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mcs268
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First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:16 pm

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Last edited by mcs268 on Tue Oct 09, 2012 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Verity
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby Verity » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:27 pm

Just generally, here are my thoughts:

It's never clear what your father did. That creates some suspense, but is never resolved, which I think is actually pretty intriguing since you didn't keep silent about it before. But it's not necessary that you say it here; in fact it's not really important. I think this creates a tension that keeps the reader engaged, looking for an explanation and then realizing it's not really important.

I would definitely elaborate on why you want to be a lawyer. Everyone hates this question -- except for adcomms. Just give them a good answer, even if you're not totally sure about it.

There are some stylistic, grammatical things I would change, but if you revise PM me and I'll look at it.

thederangedwang
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:29 pm

in my opinion, the OP left plenty of clues as to what his father did..no need for him to be explicit about it.

pictures on computer
Joe Paterno

gee I wonder...

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Verity
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby Verity » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:31 pm

thederangedwang wrote:in my opinion, the OP left plenty of clues as to what his father did..no need for him to be explicit about it.

pictures on computer
Joe Paterno

gee I wonder...


Yeah, but I'm actually complimenting OP. The reader wants OP to say out loud in explicit terms what his/her father did. That's how readers are. I think OP's restraint actually works in his/her favor.

thederangedwang
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:33 pm

Verity wrote:
thederangedwang wrote:in my opinion, the OP left plenty of clues as to what his father did..no need for him to be explicit about it.

pictures on computer
Joe Paterno

gee I wonder...


Yeah, but I'm actually complimenting him. The reader wants him to say out loud in explicit terms what his father did. That's how readers are. I think OP's restraint actually works in his favor.

i think we're talking past each other here. I agree as well that its good that its not explicit.

But what I was commenting on was this

It's never clear what your father did


whereas I believe that it is clear.

but clear does not mean explicit

mcs268
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:37 pm

Haha yes it is a risky topic so I didn't want to be explicit..no need turning adcomms off. I never thought of it as a suspense tactic though, if it comes out that way, it's probably a good thing.

I definitely have to go over the grammar again as I thought..literally most of the time I spent writing this was trying to get the hell out of the passive voice. It's probably still there in some points.

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Verity
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby Verity » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:42 pm

It's clear what he had on there generally, but those kinds of crimes vary in how much the person with the files was involved. Were they images? If so, did they come from web-browsing, or was he involved in producing the images? Was he in the images? That's a whole different story. A more specific picture is not clear.

But whatever, OP's right to be somewhat discreet about it, and I think it strengthens the PS.

mcs268
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:54 pm

Well I'm glad I apparently overcame the hurdle of mishandling a risky topic like this..but is the PS itself as weak as I think it is? Idk if its just because writing it was not easiest thing for me.

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Verity
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby Verity » Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:11 pm

mcs268 wrote:Well I'm glad I apparently overcame the hurdle of mishandling a risky topic like this..but is the PS itself as weak as I think it is? Idk if its just because writing it was not easiest thing for me.


No, it's a strong PS. A weakness, however, is that the last few paragraphs start to lose their connection to the beginning paragraphs. You want the PS to flow from idea to idea pretty well. A strong sense of cohesion is left to be desired. Try another draft and PM me.

collegebum1989
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby collegebum1989 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:12 pm

Definitely agree that the implicitness plays towards the strength of this PS. I may be reading too much into this, but this also works towards your favor because it shows exactly how it is difficult the topic is to write for you. The fact that you explicitly represent being able to move on after the events and implicitly by focusing on the topic as your PS, really shows strength.

I don't think its a risky PS at all. Instead, its something that distinguishes you and will probably make you memorable as an applicant. Interesting stories don't necessarily have to be positive stories. You did a great job not being overly negative, or being overly dramatic.

I would suggest you work on the grammar and the sentence structure. Some of the essay is very passive, and some sentences sound very awkward.

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CorkBoard
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:50 pm

This needs work for a few reasons:

1) The topic is vague and discusses your father way more than it discusses you.

2) You're sort of all over the place in terms of where you're going here, IMO.

3) Conclusion is really vague and overly dramatic.

I'm iffy about this topic mostly for reason #1. I probably wouldn't mention Joe Paterno in this statement either, if you want to keep this topic at all.

mcs268
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:17 am

CorkBoard wrote:This needs work for a few reasons:

1) The topic is vague and discusses your father way more than it discusses you.

2) You're sort of all over the place in terms of where you're going here, IMO.

3) Conclusion is really vague and overly dramatic.

I'm iffy about this topic mostly for reason #1. I probably wouldn't mention Joe Paterno in this statement either, if you want to keep this topic at all.


Thanks for the input. I was aware before writing it that I had to concentrate on myself as much as possible, but I did lose sight of that trying to get all my ideas on paper. So I can see why it is all over the place, but that's alright, I just needed everything down so I can flesh out what works and take out what doesn't.

The topic was meant to be how I overcame this on my own and implicitly the qualities of a good law student were shown in that. Reading it again I don't really put that into words until the end, so I should give that away in the 1st or 2nd paragraph, it does seem unfocused because of that. Thanks!

vdog
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby vdog » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:53 am

I liked the first half for the most part, and then it sort of rambled.
Some things to note:
-I hope you didn't have "personal satisfaction" with your decision. That sends weird signals.
-I believe the ethical dilemma could be more fleshed out. Did you foresee the loss of income when you made that decision? Could you have resolved it in other ways, like by having a private talk with your mom/dad about it? This could be framed into a complex ethical dilemma that would demonstrate a nuanced understanding of discernment, rather than "porn is bad; I did what was right."
-I think the financial situation stuff is much stronger than the biking stuff. I would remove that biking part to bring more focus to the financial situation stuff (and help it sound less resume-like). Self-management is better than overcoming the emotional impact of your decision.
-Academically, did you maintain your performance? If yes, that is something worthy to note.
-I think you can combine the visits of your father with your law school aspirations at the end. It would wrap things up nicely.

mcs268
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Thu Aug 02, 2012 1:43 pm

vdog wrote:I liked the first half for the most part, and then it sort of rambled.
Some things to note:
-I hope you didn't have "personal satisfaction" with your decision. That sends weird signals.
-I believe the ethical dilemma could be more fleshed out. Did you foresee the loss of income when you made that decision? Could you have resolved it in other ways, like by having a private talk with your mom/dad about it? This could be framed into a complex ethical dilemma that would demonstrate a nuanced understanding of discernment, rather than "porn is bad; I did what was right."
-I think the financial situation stuff is much stronger than the biking stuff. I would remove that biking part to bring more focus to the financial situation stuff (and help it sound less resume-like). Self-management is better than overcoming the emotional impact of your decision.
-Academically, did you maintain your performance? If yes, that is something worthy to note.
-I think you can combine the visits of your father with your law school aspirations at the end. It would wrap things up nicely.


-haha yes looking back that was poor word choice. will change that.
-it definitely can, I was just trying to get quickly to the meat of my essay (the community/self-management stuff). but if the community section isn't really working I probably will focus more on the ethical. I'm glad the self-management did not come off as resume-like though, because that was the main thing I was really worrying about.
-I actually was better academically - until this last semester. It wasn't awful necessarily, but I'm going to have a hard time saying I improved generally because of that. I could always just not mention last semester and say for the two semesters following or so I got better, but that may come off as disingenuous. idk..
-THANKS!!

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WhiteyCakes
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby WhiteyCakes » Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:07 pm

I'm going to respectfully disagree with many of posters regarding your PS. Put simply, I do not see how this prepares you for law school or why you want to be a lawyer. It is far too soft and disconnected from the questions that law admisssions staff will want answered:

http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter2.html

Develop it more and draw connections. Keep the soft stuff out.

mcs268
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Re: First draft..time to feed the vultures

Postby mcs268 » Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:34 pm

WhiteyCakes wrote:I'm going to respectfully disagree with many of posters regarding your PS. Put simply, I do not see how this prepares you for law school or why you want to be a lawyer. It is far too soft and disconnected from the questions that law admisssions staff will want answered:

http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter2.html

Develop it more and draw connections. Keep the soft stuff out.


I definitely agree I need to develop it more. I'm just happy now I got generally everything on paper now so I can flesh out the good stuff. That link was actually helpful, although I have read that page before, now that I can compare it to what I wrote I can see I didn't capture the essence enough. Although to be fair, some of the unanswered ones are going to be really apparent in the criminal law section for the designated school. I'll just need to write a sample for one school to get a better grasp of it all.




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