critique it

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Tushbush
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critique it

Postby Tushbush » Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:25 pm

**Removed**
Last edited by Tushbush on Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: critique it

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:29 pm

you need more than an alternate intro...you need an alternate personal statement. This one is bad, very bad.

Tushbush
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Re: critique it

Postby Tushbush » Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:34 pm

what are some of the major flaws? This is my first shot at it

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CorkBoard
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Re: critique it

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:06 am

Tushbush wrote:what are some of the major flaws? This is my first shot at it

Try everything.

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MrSparkle
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Re: critique it

Postby MrSparkle » Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:20 am

1. Write a separate GPA addendum if you have a REAL reason to complain about bad grades. Failing classes without a solid reason (like you were working full time taking care of your sick parents) will just make it look like you should either have better judgement, or you're whining. Also, you shouldn't waste space in your PS to talk about GPA issues, that's what the addendum is for.

2. Never write a PS that begins with annoying meta-questions to yourself, i.e. "As I sit down to write this statement, I realize that..." or, in your case, a question that begins like a 9th grade diary entry. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying what adcomms will likely think, because they read thousands of essays and if you were them, wouldn't you get a little jaded too?

Read a bunch of other PS on here and do some swapping. Then you'll easily see the difference between a bad and good PS.

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06102016
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Re: critique it

Postby 06102016 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:54 am

..

Tushbush
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Re: critique it

Postby Tushbush » Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:52 am

Thanks. I'm going to scrap nearly everything and center my ps around a courtroom experience during my internship. Basically I will not discuss anything, grades or otherwise, about my time in undergrad.

bmore
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Re: critique it

Postby bmore » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:45 am

JMHO but the personal statements should not be focused on why I chose law school. It should be about you..an experience..hobby...and you display qualities that would make a law school interested in you. Let them see these traits (ex focus and determination). You don't have to trumpet it.

Also, this statement starts off way too negative. This is not necessary. You even use negativity in talking about your choice of law, ex "blame".

Another really bad idea, you say you "bring more to the table than most". NO!!!

Please scrap this, research personal statements and try again.

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honeybadger12
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Re: critique it

Postby honeybadger12 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:52 am

CorkBoard wrote:
Tushbush wrote:what are some of the major flaws? This is my first shot at it

Try everything.

Try making your criticism constructive. OP, like the last poster said, if I were you I'd do a lot more research on the PS before starting to write again. My first attempt was also less than stellar, so I read the TLS Guide and PS chapters from several law admissions books and I still don't have anything great but at least I know what's going on now.

collegebum1989
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Re: critique it

Postby collegebum1989 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:06 am

I agree with the previous comments. Although you try to go for a redemption-type essay, it comes off as you couldn't cut it as a science major so you settled for law. Likewise, in your final essay, you try to mention the cliches of numerous quotes that you then attribute to your situation, which is also cliche.

I think it would be best for you to rewrite this PS and focus on one of the following: (1) A unique experience which shows your personality, (2) problem and solution situation, (3) Something that you're passionate about. Only relate interests in law school to one of these three topics if its natural. You don't need a superficial "I want to go to law school because..." paragraph at the end of the essay because this weakens your overall statement.

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CorkBoard
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Re: critique it

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:42 am

giuseppes12 wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
Tushbush wrote:what are some of the major flaws? This is my first shot at it

Try everything.

Try making your criticism constructive. OP, like the last poster said, if I were you I'd do a lot more research on the PS before starting to write again. My first attempt was also less than stellar, so I read the TLS Guide and PS chapters from several law admissions books and I still don't have anything great but at least I know what's going on now.

There is so much wrong with this PS that I hardly consider my criticism unwarranted. OP needs to start over entirely, and I'm not the only one who said this.

HTH

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06102016
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Re: critique it

Postby 06102016 » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:05 pm

..

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CorkBoard
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Re: critique it

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:11 pm

slack_academic wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
giuseppes12 wrote:Try making your criticism constructive. OP, like the last poster said, if I were you I'd do a lot more research on the PS before starting to write again. My first attempt was also less than stellar, so I read the TLS Guide and PS chapters from several law admissions books and I still don't have anything great but at least I know what's going on now.

There is so much wrong with this PS that I hardly consider my criticism unwarranted. OP needs to start over entirely, and I'm not the only one who said this.

HTH


"Try everything" is excessively snarky and mean. Though I agree OP has a lot of work to do, it is better to say, "Try everything. For example, [provide one example of bad writing]." If there is so much wrong with OP's PS, surely it would have been easy to pick at least one specific thing and offer it as a note to OP.

Image

For OP: None of these topics are good. Pick a new one.

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honeybadger12
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Re: critique it

Postby honeybadger12 » Fri Aug 03, 2012 7:22 pm

slack_academic wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
giuseppes12 wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:Try everything.

Try making your criticism constructive. OP, like the last poster said, if I were you I'd do a lot more research on the PS before starting to write again. My first attempt was also less than stellar, so I read the TLS Guide and PS chapters from several law admissions books and I still don't have anything great but at least I know what's going on now.

There is so much wrong with this PS that I hardly consider my criticism unwarranted. OP needs to start over entirely, and I'm not the only one who said this.

HTH


"Try everything" is excessively snarky and mean. Though I agree OP has a lot of work to do, it is better to say, "Try everything. For example, [provide one example of bad writing]." If there is so much wrong with OP's PS, surely it would have been easy to pick at least one specific thing and offer it as a note to OP.

+1




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