First draft, dont be nice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hellohi
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:02 am

First draft, dont be nice

Postby hellohi » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:48 pm

deleted
Last edited by hellohi on Tue Jul 31, 2012 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

screaming_meemies
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu May 17, 2012 2:37 am

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby screaming_meemies » Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:33 pm

I think this is a pretty good start.

What I really liked: Your intro does the in medias res thing with more success than most PS that attempt it. I especially liked the way you used the word 'unfortunately' to bookend related descriptions; it went a long way in giving your voice some charm. In fact, the strength of this PS, for me, is its first two paragraphs -- I sense that you're worldly, intellectually engaged with constitutional theory, and able to deal with being thrust into a stressful work environment.
It's enough to make any adcomm swoon.

What I liked less: The transition from the description of your internship to your arrest was jarring. You imply with your first sentence that the arrest is the centerpiece of your PS, but yet you don't even specify what it was you were arrested for (wrongly or not). I think most readers will agree that that information's absence is puzzling. Similarly, I don't think that (as it is conveyed) the jail experience was enough to have induced any kind of epiphany, which is implied. You might be better served if you emphasized your internship experience holistically, and then work your arrest into its context.

On a different note, the second half of the PS was weakly pedestrian. Indeed, it read like a boastful account of your resume. For instance, your unique position as a Marxist cum financier is only worth mentioning if you can articulate why that combination will be significant to your success as a law student and/or what added perspective it has afforded you.

With respect to your Arab-American status, wouldn't that topic fit better into a diversity statement? Why short shrift it at the end of your PS?

Finally, and this is a somewhat abstract criticism, I think you could improve your statement by paying more attention to the fact that the people reading this statement don't know you from Adam. Certain topics are broached a little too familiarly, if that makes sense. I don't know you, so I have no context of your life with which to make sense of any vagueness.

Keep plugging away, though, and you'll get it!

hellohi
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:02 am

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby hellohi » Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:44 pm

Thanks for the reply! Do you think i should just scratch the second to last paragraph and instead add a more chronological paragraph between the 2nd and 3rd ones??

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Jul 30, 2012 7:20 am

I think you should focus on your experience in South Africa. You bring up random stuff like your Arab culture and Marxist views is thrown in this PS haphazardly and sounds weird. You might want to talk more about how you got to jail, etc in the beginning rather than later on.

Needs some revisions re: the multiple perspectives paragraph, in particular. The transition is really abrupt.

hellohi
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:02 am

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby hellohi » Mon Jul 30, 2012 7:42 am

Okay so I think i'm definitely gonna take out that perspectives paragraph, how do you feel about the final paragraph describing how my job this year relates to my goal?

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Jul 30, 2012 8:16 am

hellohi wrote:Okay so I think i'm definitely gonna take out that perspectives paragraph, how do you feel about the final paragraph describing how my job this year relates to my goal?

Well, you should probably cut the part where you write that it seems contradictory to your goals.

User avatar
Br3v
Posts: 4174
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:18 pm

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby Br3v » Mon Jul 30, 2012 8:59 am

Pretty good, but the opening sound is cheesy imo

JetsFan1990
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:41 am

Re: First draft, dont be nice

Postby JetsFan1990 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 9:07 am

'Unfortunately for him, this was not surprising as he was covered in blood from his face down to his stomach." This sentence says that what was unfortunate for the man was "this was not surprising". I think what you mean to say is "Unfortunately for him, he was covered in blood from his face down to his stomach."




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.