Any and all criticism is welcome

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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bumblebeetuna
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Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:46 pm

Rewriiiite
Last edited by bumblebeetuna on Thu Jul 26, 2012 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:55 pm

ohhhhh boy....

You write like a philosopher, and thats not a compliment. It is not a good PS in my opinion.

The most glaring problem is that its not a good or easy read. I would take out all the grandiose words like bourgeoisie or Rousseauian since its just throwing around big words hoping to impress. Those words are empty however. In other words, the tone is really over the top and reeks of a slight superiority/soapbox type deal.

On a related note, the topic in unacceptable in my view. In essence, here what I paraphrase your statement to say, I was a stuck up and know it all phil major who then moved in with my grandpa since i thought that would be cool, I then found out that I would actually have to support myself somehow and thats when i decided that law would be cool cause its kinda like philosophy but i also get to make money.

I'll be honest, this PS did not give me a good impression of you as a person. You seem arrogant, stuck up, but most of all, you cling to childish (or rather, academic) naivete when you say things like, " I follow politics, well, obsessively. I would like to be a statesman one day, one who injects thoughtfulness into democratic politics and leads by virtuous example. Judge or Senator, writing briefs or political commentary, I cannot see myself far from public life"

Start over. Sorry

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:58 pm

thederangedwang wrote:ohhhhh boy....

You write like a philosopher, and thats not a compliment. It is not a good PS in my opinion.

The most glaring problem is that its not a good or easy read. I would take out all the grandiose words like bourgeoisie or Rousseauian since its just throwing around big words hoping to impress. Those words are empty however. In other words, the tone is really over the top and reeks of a slight superiority/soapbox type deal.

On a related note, the topic in unacceptable in my view. In essence, here what I paraphrase your statement to say, I was a stuck up and know it all phil major who then moved in with my grandpa since i thought that would be cool, I then found out that I would actually have to support myself somehow and thats when i decided that law would be cool cause its kinda like philosophy but i also get to make money.

I'll be honest, this PS did not give me a good impression of you as a person. You seem arrogant, stuck up, but most of all, you cling to childish (or rather, academic) naivete when you say things like, " I follow politics, well, obsessively. I would like to be a statesman one day, one who injects thoughtfulness into democratic politics and leads by virtuous example. Judge or Senator, writing briefs or political commentary, I cannot see myself far from public life"

Start over. Sorry


Perfect. I appreciate it. Thank you.

And I am not joking at all.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:01 pm

Interesting & enjoyable to read. Sincere & refreshing. A bit too idealistic, and, therefore, probably unrealistic. Neverthless, it is interesting & I would love to see some photographs.

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:11 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Interesting & enjoyable to read. Sincere & refreshing. A bit too idealistic, and, therefore, probably unrealistic. Neverthless, it is interesting & I would love to see some photographs.


I am very happy to hear this. Thank you for your comments. Regarding the idealism, I completely agree now that you and the above poster mention it. Do you think I can kind of trim the tone and set up a larger contrast between pre-Greece and post-Greece? The latter being more realistic and grounded compared to the former (self-admitted) ridiculousness? Or do you think the whole thing is a wash?

bobbyh1919
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bobbyh1919 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:14 pm

The first critique was pretty much on point. Your PS makes it sound like you have no idea what you want to do, which is troubling since you are stressing how serious you plan to take law school. You move overseas to live off the land, realize that's not working, read a copy of the Constitution, and are set to go to law school? I don't think you'll get many adcomms to buy this, regardless of whether or not it is true.

I would scrap this entirely, back away from the philosophy, and start over. I didn't really get the sense that you were stuck up or entitled or anything, just that you were trying too hard with this PS and might be getting into law for odd reasons.

Best of luck, definitely come back with something fresh and I'd be happy to look it over.

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breadbucket
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby breadbucket » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:35 pm

Any man who puts Marx and Engels in the same discussion with Rousseau should be shot.

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:39 pm

bobbyh1919 wrote:The first critique was pretty much on point. Your PS makes it sound like you have no idea what you want to do, which is troubling since you are stressing how serious you plan to take law school. You move overseas to live off the land, realize that's not working, read a copy of the Constitution, and are set to go to law school? I don't think you'll get many adcomms to buy this, regardless of whether or not it is true.

I would scrap this entirely, back away from the philosophy, and start over. I didn't really get the sense that you were stuck up or entitled or anything, just that you were trying too hard with this PS and might be getting into law for odd reasons.

Best of luck, definitely come back with something fresh and I'd be happy to look it over.


Thanks for your comments. Regarding the whole, "read the Constitution and now ready..." I tried to condense what was definitely a longer process than I let on in the PS. But nonetheless, it seems this PS is way too risky to actually send in an application, so I will take your advice and would also like to take you up on your offer.

breadbucket wrote:Any man who puts Marx and Engels in the same discussion with Rousseau should be shot.


Lol. This is funny. Where do you see Marx and Engels? My mention of the bourgois, in this context, was informed by Rousseau's own take on the bourgois, a term he coined.

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breadbucket
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby breadbucket » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:49 pm

I would disagree, as this has never been the case in my readings or interpretations of his works, but even still, even if it were the case, the current ownership and principal philosophy behind the word is almost entirely associated with the pair I mentioned previously. The loaded meaning of the word would hardly be associated with Rousseau by anyone with a total and contemporary view of its evolution.

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:07 pm

You would disagree with what? That he coined the term? Ok. Look it up. You are mistaken. The bourgois is a principal theme of his thought.

Second, Rousseau and Marx both radically critique the bourgois, and the latter's own conception of what the word meant largely matches Rousseau's. Obviously, what they went on to prescribe as a solution to modernity, and its unique human type the bourgois, are different.

Third, anyone with a "total" view of the word would know what I have stated above. Furthermore, if you are so learned, one would imagine that you could tell from the context of my PS what prescription I was adopting and pursuing in my own life, that is, Rousseau's.

thederangedwang
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:31 pm

bumblebeetuna wrote:You would disagree with what? That he coined the term? Ok. Look it up. You are mistaken. The bourgois is a principal theme of his thought.

Second, Rousseau and Marx both radically critique the bourgois, and the latter's own conception of what the word meant largely matches Rousseau's. Obviously, what they went on to prescribe as a solution to modernity, and its unique human type the bourgois, are different.

Third, anyone with a "total" view of the word would know what I have stated above. Furthermore, if you are so learned, one would imagine that you could tell from the context of my PS what prescription I was adopting and pursuing in my own life, that is, Rousseau's.

lol man, work on your PS, stop arguing :P

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:53 pm

thederangedwang wrote:lol man, work on your PS, stop arguing :P


Haha, yeah...

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CorkBoard
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Jul 24, 2012 8:37 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Interesting & enjoyable to read. Sincere & refreshing. A bit too idealistic, and, therefore, probably unrealistic. Neverthless, it is interesting & I would love to see some photographs.

No.

Anyway, I agree with the first poster. You take FOREVER to make a point in this statement. There is so much going on here and it seems like it isn't even a concrete experience. What are you even trying to write about? Get a solid experience and cut this philosophy bullshit.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Jul 24, 2012 8:38 pm

bumblebeetuna wrote:You would disagree with what? That he coined the term? Ok. Look it up. You are mistaken. The bourgois is a principal theme of his thought.

Second, Rousseau and Marx both radically critique the bourgois, and the latter's own conception of what the word meant largely matches Rousseau's. Obviously, what they went on to prescribe as a solution to modernity, and its unique human type the bourgois, are different.

Third, anyone with a "total" view of the word would know what I have stated above. Furthermore, if you are so learned, one would imagine that you could tell from the context of my PS what prescription I was adopting and pursuing in my own life, that is, Rousseau's.

also lol wat

thederangedwang
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Jul 24, 2012 11:44 pm

CorkBoard wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Interesting & enjoyable to read. Sincere & refreshing. A bit too idealistic, and, therefore, probably unrealistic. Neverthless, it is interesting & I would love to see some photographs.

No.

Anyway, I agree with the first poster. You take FOREVER to make a point in this statement. There is so much going on here and it seems like it isn't even a concrete experience. What are you even trying to write about? Get a solid experience and cut this philosophy bullshit.

I usually dislike your snarkiness when replying to people, but you keep agreeing with me on PS review and so I'm kinda enjoying watching you burn people's egos and crap like that.

anonymouse2828
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby anonymouse2828 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:56 am

you're not applying for a philosophy M.A. program... you're applying for law school. IRAC that shizzit.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby CorkBoard » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:03 am

thederangedwang wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Interesting & enjoyable to read. Sincere & refreshing. A bit too idealistic, and, therefore, probably unrealistic. Neverthless, it is interesting & I would love to see some photographs.

No.

Anyway, I agree with the first poster. You take FOREVER to make a point in this statement. There is so much going on here and it seems like it isn't even a concrete experience. What are you even trying to write about? Get a solid experience and cut this philosophy bullshit.

I usually dislike your snarkiness when replying to people, but you keep agreeing with me on PS review and so I'm kinda enjoying watching you burn people's egos and crap like that.

Just keepin' it real, bro

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Yukos
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby Yukos » Wed Jul 25, 2012 2:10 pm

bumblebeetuna wrote:You would disagree with what? That he coined the term? Ok. Look it up. You are mistaken. The bourgois is a principal theme of his thought.

Second, Rousseau and Marx both radically critique the bourgois, and the latter's own conception of what the word meant largely matches Rousseau's. Obviously, what they went on to prescribe as a solution to modernity, and its unique human type the bourgois, are different.

Third, anyone with a "total" view of the word would know what I have stated above. Furthermore, if you are so learned, one would imagine that you could tell from the context of my PS what prescription I was adopting and pursuing in my own life, that is, Rousseau's.


Man if you're gonna argue about the bourgeoisie, at least spell the word right...

Not that you need to hear this more, but I agree with everyone else. Either radically rework this PS so it has a point or get a new topic. And please use a less pretentious tone, we aren't in the 17th century.

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shifty_eyed
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby shifty_eyed » Wed Jul 25, 2012 2:14 pm

bumblebeetuna wrote:Here is my personal statement:


Two weeks after receiving my undergraduate diploma I left the United States with the hope I would never return. My grandfather lives on top of a cliff overlooking the Mediterranean. That slice of paradise between the sea and vast Greek countryside was my destination. An olive grove, a flourishing vegetable garden, abundant figs, pomegranates, and a guest house all awaited me and my (then) girlfriend (who is now my fiancé). It was there that I planned on living out my days in noble self sufficiency, just a man, his family, and his land.

I was enthralled by the philosophy of Jean Jacques Rousseau. I was to be natural man, or close. I would be good for myself and for those around me. No longer would I submit to the pernicious effects of dependence and luxury that pervades the world view and lifestyle of the bourgeois.


That's where I stopped reading. Noble self sufficiency? Even Thoreau built his own cabin, though he didn't do his own laundry.

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bumblebeetuna
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Re: Any and all criticism is welcome

Postby bumblebeetuna » Wed Jul 25, 2012 5:44 pm

Okie dokie everyone, I think that this thread, along with my PS, can go the way of the dinosaur.

What I said in the title, I meant. Thank you to everyone who responded. All of your replies were in some way or another helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to read what I posted.

Thanks again and I hope to post a new PS sometime soon, which I hope will be more successful than this one.




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