First Draft Critique Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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lawhopeful10
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Joined: Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:29 pm

First Draft Critique Please

Postby lawhopeful10 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:33 pm

Delete
Last edited by lawhopeful10 on Tue Jul 23, 2013 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

drive4showLSAT4dough
Posts: 304
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 10:19 am

Re: First Draft Critique Please

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:47 pm

The substance of your essay: 1. father's character and 2. experiences with race in a leadership role makes for a very compelling topic. I think you unintentionally undermine it, however, with phrases like "as a lawyer and law student" and "want to succeed in law school more than I have ever wanted something in my life."

You're writing for adcomms -- they already know you want to go to law school, and they already know you want to become a lawyer. I think the scope shift from the above substance to the somewhat obvious sales pitch towards the end has a weakening effect on your topic.

IMO, its enough to show your interest in racial equality, leadership, etc., by simply describing the topic and its significance to you.

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lawhopeful10
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Joined: Tue Jul 24, 2012 2:29 pm

Re: First Draft Critique Please

Postby lawhopeful10 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 3:01 pm

alright thank you, yea I understand what you are saying. I might replace those lines with something else.




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