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VasaVasori

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Post by VasaVasori » Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:34 pm

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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CorkBoard

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Re: programming PS

Post by CorkBoard » Mon Jul 23, 2012 9:02 am

I think you can use this topic, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit.

Some suggestions:

1. Avoid second person.

2. The bit about your volunteer organization is very randomly placed in here. Cut it or explain more.

3. Your conclusion is really weak. Cut the "if ever so slightly" or rework the paragraph entirely.

4. You've got some run-on sentences here that can be shortened.

5. Your introductory paragraph about magic is odd. I think you might want to remove the magic bit.

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