evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pgzc
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evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:27 pm

Since I was little, I have always had a naturally driven duty to protect was so dear to me and of the others who deserved justice from the atrocities in this world caused by those who are irresponsible. Leadership, discipline, resilience, innovation, creativity, capability of being organized, of being a truthful and being an ethical person are skills that are present in my character. I have participated in charitable activities such as donating supplies and money to different institutions like Hogar Del Niño and Casa de Todos; orientating freshmen to feeling comfortable in their new college life at Estudiantes Orientadores; and giving seminars and tutories in college, school and at work. My job experiences have been in many industries: post marketing analysis of dealer sales performance and administrative work in Toyota Financial Services and Nissan; scanning at Ochoa Poultry Farms (egg distributor); general assistant of T & P Realty (rental government subsidized homes); file clerk and receptionist at Zaragoza & Alvarado (a tax firm); and auditing a provider of tutories for the program “No Child Left Behind” in an agreed upon procedure. As seen, my philosophy is that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to achieve it. I think outside the box, to be able to do all plus do well at college classes and have time for arts & crafts. I can contribute with fresh new ideas, solutions and also learn from areas like environmental law, since many of my college projects have been on the subject such as: recommending and analyzing different energy alternatives in hope to solve the current energy crisis in Puerto Rico; how can companies implement the use green accounting; and market eco-friendly products. This is why my consideration and acceptance for Law School and Masters in Human Resource will be much appreciated.

attractive_NUisance
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby attractive_NUisance » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:46 pm

Not very good. Write shorter sentences. Remove the cliche lines like "outside the box" and the line about your philosophy. Remove the last line.

Thematically, you should have a lot more connecting your past experience with your chosen degrees. Why is this degree combo going to get you where you want to go.

kublaikahn
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Jul 21, 2012 1:00 am

You need to read some of the articles on and examples of PS's on this site and elsewhere. And find a mentor who can assist you.

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kwais
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby kwais » Sat Jul 21, 2012 1:19 am

Arts and Crafts? Egg Scanning? Donating supplies?
I never call flame, but this one is super fishy.

If real, OP, start over, dig on this site and elsewhere for good examples of personal statements. Choose one or two of these experiences you've had and flesh them out with examples. At the moment, this is the poster PS for "telling" as opposed to "showing"

CanadianWolf
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jul 21, 2012 11:04 am

OP: You need to develop a clear theme that is reflected in your opening sentence.

CONSIDER as an opening line: My education and work experience suggest that a JD/MBA dual degree program is the appropriate path to success.

A simple, straightforward opening sentence should let readers know the direction of the rest of your essay. It should also help you to present your message in an organized fashion.

Try to write in crisp, clear sentences. Avoid lengthy sentences.

The most basic approach utilizes a five (5) paragraph structure. The opening paragraph tells the reader that you're going to cover A, B, & C in your writing. Paragraph 2 deals with "A"; paragraph 3 covers "B"; while paragraph 4 addresses point "C". The concluding paragraph concisely restates your entire message.

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 8:49 am

kwais wrote:Arts and Crafts? Egg Scanning? Donating supplies?
I never call flame, but this one is super fishy.

If real, OP, start over, dig on this site and elsewhere for good examples of personal statements. Choose one or two of these experiences you've had and flesh them out with examples. At the moment, this is the poster PS for "telling" as opposed to "showing"

wow i love when people doubt of what im telling. i know that you may be thinking that all this are lies just to get some attention but no; there are still people in this world who do stuff out of the stereotipical and what is expected of them from the industries they are working on.

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20130312
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby 20130312 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:03 am

English isn't your first language, is it? :|

bmore
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby bmore » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:34 am

This is not a personal statement.

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:40 am

InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:41 am

bmore wrote:This is not a personal statement.

may be im passing it off as fiction what is really my life's story

bmore
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby bmore » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:41 am

pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is


No way!

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:44 am

CanadianWolf wrote:OP: You need to develop a clear theme that is reflected in your opening sentence.

CONSIDER as an opening line: My education and work experience suggest that a JD/MBA dual degree program is the appropriate path to success.

A simple, straightforward opening sentence should let readers know the direction of the rest of your essay. It should also help you to present your message in an organized fashion.

Try to write in crisp, clear sentences. Avoid lengthy sentences.

The most basic approach utilizes a five (5) paragraph structure. The opening paragraph tells the reader that you're going to cover A, B, & C in your writing. Paragraph 2 deals with "A"; paragraph 3 covers "B"; while paragraph 4 addresses point "C". The concluding paragraph concisely restates your entire message.

thank you for being the only constructive argument so far

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:46 am

bmore wrote:
pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is


No way!

it that so hard to believe from someone who lives in Puerto Rico?

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20130312
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby 20130312 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:52 am

pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is


I couldn't even get through this "personal statement" because of how bad the grammar is, not to even mention the subject matter. You need to take a few remedial English classes.

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:01 pm

InGoodFaith wrote:
pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is


I couldn't even get through this "personal statement" because of how bad the grammar is, not to even mention the subject matter. You need to take a few remedial English classes.

no relation between i need to refresh my grammar with i dont know english

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20130312
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby 20130312 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:04 pm

pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:
pgzc wrote:
InGoodFaith wrote:English isn't your first language, is it? :|

FYI it is


I couldn't even get through this "personal statement" because of how bad the grammar is, not to even mention the subject matter. You need to take a few remedial English classes.

no relation between i need to refresh my grammar with i dont know english


There's a distinction between "knowing" and "understanding."

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:06 pm

There's a distinction between "knowing" and "understanding."[/quote]
im sorry to disappoint you but i wouldnt be writting if i didnt know how to do both

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20130312
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby 20130312 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:10 pm

kwais wrote:flame

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CorkBoard
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:56 pm

pgzc wrote:im sorry to disappoint you but i wouldnt be writting if i didnt know how to do both


pgzc wrote:Since I was little, I have always had a naturally driven duty to protect was so dear to me and of the others who deserved justice from the atrocities in this world caused by those who are irresponsible. Leadership, discipline, resilience, innovation, creativity, capability of being organized, of being a truthful and being an ethical person are skills that are present in my character. I have participated in charitable activities such as donating supplies and money to different institutions like Hogar Del Niño and Casa de Todos; orientating freshmen to feeling comfortable in their new college life at Estudiantes Orientadores; and giving seminars and tutories in college, school and at work. My job experiences have been in many industries: post marketing analysis of dealer sales performance and administrative work in Toyota Financial Services and Nissan; scanning at Ochoa Poultry Farms (egg distributor); general assistant of T & P Realty (rental government subsidized homes); file clerk and receptionist at Zaragoza & Alvarado (a tax firm); and auditing a provider of tutories for the program “No Child Left Behind” in an agreed upon procedure. As seen, my philosophy is that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to achieve it. I think outside the box, to be able to do all plus do well at college classes and have time for arts & crafts. I can contribute with fresh new ideas, solutions and also learn from areas like environmental law, since many of my college projects have been on the subject such as: recommending and analyzing different energy alternatives in hope to solve the current energy crisis in Puerto Rico; how can companies implement the use green accounting; and market eco-friendly products. This is why my consideration and acceptance for Law School and Masters in Human Resource will be much appreciated.


You sure about that?

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:25 pm

CorkBoard wrote:
pgzc wrote:im sorry to disappoint you but i wouldnt be writting if i didnt know how to do both


pgzc wrote:Since I was little, I have always had a naturally driven duty to protect was so dear to me and of the others who deserved justice from the atrocities in this world caused by those who are irresponsible. Leadership, discipline, resilience, innovation, creativity, capability of being organized, of being a truthful and being an ethical person are skills that are present in my character. I have participated in charitable activities such as donating supplies and money to different institutions like Hogar Del Niño and Casa de Todos; orientating freshmen to feeling comfortable in their new college life at Estudiantes Orientadores; and giving seminars and tutories in college, school and at work. My job experiences have been in many industries: post marketing analysis of dealer sales performance and administrative work in Toyota Financial Services and Nissan; scanning at Ochoa Poultry Farms (egg distributor); general assistant of T & P Realty (rental government subsidized homes); file clerk and receptionist at Zaragoza & Alvarado (a tax firm); and auditing a provider of tutories for the program “No Child Left Behind” in an agreed upon procedure. As seen, my philosophy is that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to achieve it. I think outside the box, to be able to do all plus do well at college classes and have time for arts & crafts. I can contribute with fresh new ideas, solutions and also learn from areas like environmental law, since many of my college projects have been on the subject such as: recommending and analyzing different energy alternatives in hope to solve the current energy crisis in Puerto Rico; how can companies implement the use green accounting; and market eco-friendly products. This is why my consideration and acceptance for Law School and Masters in Human Resource will be much appreciated.


You sure about that?

I’m sorry but I thought this was for advice; not criticize people

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CorkBoard
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:35 pm

The advice of the other posters ITT was legit.

Start over.

thederangedwang
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 23, 2012 7:34 pm

Dont start over, all the other posters advice is too optimistic. If this really isnt a flame, and your writing is really this bad. Your only hope is sending this to a editing service and then paying them extra to write it for you...completely

amycompton
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby amycompton » Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:16 am

If real,start over, dig on this site and elsewhere for good examples of personal statements. Choose one or two of these experiences you've had and flesh them out with examples. At the moment, this is the poster PS for "telling" as opposed to "showing".

pgzc
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby pgzc » Tue Jul 24, 2012 8:20 am

amycompton wrote:If real,start over, dig on this site and elsewhere for good examples of personal statements. Choose one or two of these experiences you've had and flesh them out with examples. At the moment, this is the poster PS for "telling" as opposed to "showing".

ok fair enough but let this be clear to you all that its ok for you to not believe anything in my personal statement, apparently no body ever does believe the truth

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20130312
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Re: evaluate my 2-1 personal statement for MBA and JD

Postby 20130312 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:50 am

pgzc wrote:
amycompton wrote:If real,start over, dig on this site and elsewhere for good examples of personal statements. Choose one or two of these experiences you've had and flesh them out with examples. At the moment, this is the poster PS for "telling" as opposed to "showing".

ok fair enough but let this be clear to you all that its ok for you to not believe anything in my personal statement, apparently no body ever does believe the truth


wut




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