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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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SilverE2
Posts: 931
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:04 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby SilverE2 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:24 pm

PDaddy wrote:Find another topic, and spend at least three months writing your personal statement. You need an essay that is balanced in ethos (credibility and leadership), pathos (emotional appeal), mythos (symbolism, syllogisms and metaphors), and logos (logic).

If your topic doesn't allow you to invoke those elements, it isn't a good essay. Good writers can use two with good skill. Great writers can effectively employ three. Superior writers use all four, and tell compelling stories while doing it. I would not admit you based on this personal statement.

Write from the heart, but always remember your audience. That means, anticipating the questions that the adcom members will have as they read your essay and answering those questions as the essay proceeds. To do this, you must be critical of yourself...self-aware. And you must be willing to admit shortcomings and show how you have changed or grown from your experiences. lastly, you must relate all of this to your desire to attend law school.

Remember also that you do not have to tell your "entire" story, but you must tell a "complete" story. If you don't close the show with a strong rhetorical finish, your essay will not be memorable.

Good luck! :)


Jesus dude, this is a law school personal statement we're talking about here. They don't even read these things. I wrote mine in an afternoon.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:32 pm

PDaddy wrote:Find another topic, and spend at least three months writing your personal statement. You need an essay that is balanced in ethos (credibility and leadership), pathos (emotional appeal), mythos (symbolism, syllogisms and metaphors), and logos (logic).

If your topic doesn't allow you to invoke those elements, it isn't a good essay. Good writers can use two with good skill. Great writers can effectively employ three. Superior writers use all four, and tell compelling stories while doing it. I would not admit you based on this personal statement.

Write from the heart, but always remember your audience. That means, anticipating the questions that the adcom members will have as they read your essay and answering those questions as the essay proceeds. To do this, you must be critical of yourself...self-aware. And you must be willing to admit shortcomings and show how you have changed or grown from your experiences. lastly, you must relate all of this to your desire to attend law school.

Remember also that you do not have to tell your "entire" story, but you must tell a "complete" story. If you don't close the show with a strong rhetorical finish, your essay will not be memorable.

Good luck! :)

i hate people who speak/write like you do

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fatduck
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby fatduck » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:34 pm

oh god i think i know who PDaddy is irl

thederangedwang
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Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:35 pm

fatduck wrote:oh god i think i know who PDaddy is irl

is he a harvard douche?

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kwais
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby kwais » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:35 pm

lol, this is NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL. It is not shocking in any way. Maybe a few of the word choices, but that is it. Adcomms are also educated people, and the issues in the PS are relevant. They are not old southern grandparents who can't figure out why the kids these days listen to Snoopy Dog

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fatduck
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby fatduck » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:36 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
fatduck wrote:oh god i think i know who PDaddy is irl

is he a harvard douche?

no. louisville, i think.

thederangedwang
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Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:38 pm

kwais wrote:lol, this is NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL. It is not shocking in any way. Maybe a few of the word choices, but that is it. Adcomms are also educated people, and the issues in the PS are relevant. They are not old southern grandparents who can't figure out why the kids these days listen to Snoopy Dog

youre kinda alone on this brah...which means its far to dangerous

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ru2486
Posts: 158
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby ru2486 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:42 pm

the personal parts where she describes her personal background are OKAY.

the sermonizing parts where she equates herself to escorts and naively wants to help poor brown overseas SUCK ASS.

the kiss parts are AWKWARD AS FUCK.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby kwais » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:43 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
kwais wrote:lol, this is NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL. It is not shocking in any way. Maybe a few of the word choices, but that is it. Adcomms are also educated people, and the issues in the PS are relevant. They are not old southern grandparents who can't figure out why the kids these days listen to Snoopy Dog

youre kinda alone on this brah...which means its far to dangerous


that is one thing it could mean. I guess TLS should just draft a template PS that starts with a cheesy vignette, talks about some douchey philosophy class, followed by the spring break trip to New Orleans to help hurricane Katrina victims, topped off with a nice transparent cut and paste why x school. That will keep people out of "controversy"

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:45 pm

kwais wrote:
thederangedwang wrote:
kwais wrote:lol, this is NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL. It is not shocking in any way. Maybe a few of the word choices, but that is it. Adcomms are also educated people, and the issues in the PS are relevant. They are not old southern grandparents who can't figure out why the kids these days listen to Snoopy Dog

youre kinda alone on this brah...which means its far to dangerous


that is one thing it could mean. I guess TLS should just draft a template PS that starts with a cheesy vignette, talks about some douchey philosophy class, followed by the spring break trip to New Orleans to help hurricane Katrina victims, topped off with a nice transparent cut and paste why x school. That will keep people out of "controversy"

youre an idiot, see the comment above yours for why

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Ludo!
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Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:22 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby Ludo! » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:46 pm

I didn't like this until I read that PDaddy didn't like it

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alwayssunnyinfl
Posts: 4100
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:34 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby alwayssunnyinfl » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:56 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
PDaddy wrote:Find another topic, and spend at least three months writing your personal statement. You need an essay that is balanced in ethos (credibility and leadership), pathos (emotional appeal), mythos (symbolism, syllogisms and metaphors), and logos (logic).

If your topic doesn't allow you to invoke those elements, it isn't a good essay. Good writers can use two with good skill. Great writers can effectively employ three. Superior writers use all four, and tell compelling stories while doing it. I would not admit you based on this personal statement.

Write from the heart, but always remember your audience. That means, anticipating the questions that the adcom members will have as they read your essay and answering those questions as the essay proceeds. To do this, you must be critical of yourself...self-aware. And you must be willing to admit shortcomings and show how you have changed or grown from your experiences. lastly, you must relate all of this to your desire to attend law school.

Remember also that you do not have to tell your "entire" story, but you must tell a "complete" story. If you don't close the show with a strong rhetorical finish, your essay will not be memorable.

Good luck! :)

i hate people who speak/write like you do

Maybe it was an ironic cut-and-paste from an advice article on writing personal statements.






Nah.

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espressocream
Posts: 430
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby espressocream » Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:15 am

I feel the need to clarify. This is by no means a final draft, rather it's a starting point from which I'd like to take off.
Literally wrote it in an hour and posted it here before I started editing to get feedback. I am concerned about the
topic, but at the same time I don't want to lose my voice in the essay. It's a very rough draft; I just wanted
to see what you guys thought about it at first glance.

Definitely appreciate all the negative things people are saying. I need to hear it. So thanks.
I do take all of it seriously.


And I don't get a URM boost, rather it's ORM.

bobbyh1919
Posts: 560
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:40 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby bobbyh1919 » Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:18 am

kwais wrote:
thederangedwang wrote:
kwais wrote:lol, this is NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL. It is not shocking in any way. Maybe a few of the word choices, but that is it. Adcomms are also educated people, and the issues in the PS are relevant. They are not old southern grandparents who can't figure out why the kids these days listen to Snoopy Dog

youre kinda alone on this brah...which means its far to dangerous


that is one thing it could mean. I guess TLS should just draft a template PS that starts with a cheesy vignette, talks about some douchey philosophy class, followed by the spring break trip to New Orleans to help hurricane Katrina victims, topped off with a nice transparent cut and paste why x school. That will keep people out of "controversy"



Surely there is a middle ground between OP's draft and your proposed template. OP, go find that ground.

collegebum1989
Posts: 323
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:03 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby collegebum1989 » Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:01 am

Pakistanis are South Asians, which are not URMs if I am correct.

And on that note, excellent topic for a Diversity Statement, which leaves your Personal Statement to focus more on your career aspirations and qualifications as a prospective law student

bingbang1025
Posts: 135
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:19 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby bingbang1025 » Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:15 am

What are you thinking? You're writing a story about the first time a guy shoved his tongue down your throat? Either turn it into an erotic page-turner or stick to your Southeast Asian rights angle.

Remember your audience: undersexed people who are assessing your fit for the profession (and your judgment).

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JamMasterJ
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby JamMasterJ » Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:21 am

Bildungsroman wrote:This is an awkwardness perfect storm. Your opening makes it sound like your conclusion will involve losing your virginity, and while it doesn't go that far it's still a long, uncomfortable ride with a finish so ill-advised that for the first time in my life I found myself rooting for eternal celibacy.

OP, a UChicago student is calling you awkward. You probably need to fix it.

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CorkBoard
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Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:47 am

espressocream wrote:Writing about losing my virginity would be a bit much, imo.

no it wouldn't. It would really sum up your transformation. I think you should go for it.

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Ded Precedent
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Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:26 pm

Re: First kiss PS

Postby Ded Precedent » Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:59 am

CorkBoard wrote:
espressocream wrote:Writing about losing my virginity would be a bit much, imo.

no it wouldn't. It would really sum up your transformation. I think you should go for it.

+1. I think you need to expand the part about your sexual experiences. Details about your first kiss leaves something to be desired for the reader, rewrite and PM me the new copy and a picture so I can get to know you a little bit before editing your personal statement.

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togepi
Posts: 533
Joined: Thu May 10, 2012 10:13 am

Re: First kiss PS

Postby togepi » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:55 am

f7 wrote:This is like all of the personal statement don'ts rolled up into the Pakistani version of a burrito.

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chup
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby chup » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:56 am

Is "conscious observer" a euphemism for knowing something is wrong but not doing anything about it?

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togepi
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby togepi » Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:04 am

Escorts receive money to get pounded, while you're doing the opposite for an institution that will take three years to "finish"

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espressocream
Posts: 430
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby espressocream » Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:21 am

collegebum1989 wrote:Pakistanis are South Asians, which are not URMs if I am correct.

And on that note, excellent topic for a Diversity Statement, which leaves your Personal Statement to focus more on your career aspirations and qualifications as a prospective law student


Yeah we're over-represented. No boost at all.
I'll look into using a more refined version of this as a diversity statement, good call.

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espressocream
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby espressocream » Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:25 am

f7 wrote:This is like all of the personal statement don'ts rolled up into the Pakistani version of a burrito.


That would be a paratha roll.

Image

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dextermorgan
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby dextermorgan » Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:27 am

espressocream wrote:
f7 wrote:This is like all of the personal statement don'ts rolled up into the Pakistani version of a burrito.


That would be a paratha roll.

Image

Those look delicious.




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