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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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espressocream
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Postby espressocream » Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:58 pm

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Last edited by espressocream on Wed Jul 18, 2012 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Bildungsroman
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Bildungsroman » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:12 pm

This is an awkwardness perfect storm. Your opening makes it sound like your conclusion will involve losing your virginity, and while it doesn't go that far it's still a long, uncomfortable ride with a finish so ill-advised that for the first time in my life I found myself rooting for eternal celibacy.

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Ruxin1
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Ruxin1 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:15 pm

Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?

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fatduck
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby fatduck » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:19 pm

this personal statement is like a word search

with no words

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kwais
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby kwais » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:21 pm

This PS needs work to become more focused and more structured. But, content-wise, I thought it was great. Most people try so hard that their personality is completely lost. I thought you came through very clearly. It also has that "personal" element that so many avoid.

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Haymarket
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Haymarket » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:21 pm

1. I learned never to judge women for their actions and value everyone equally
2. Pakistani women are to blame for upholding these oppressive traditions.

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kwais
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby kwais » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:23 pm

Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.

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goldeneye
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby goldeneye » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:24 pm

I would shy away from considering yourself and an escort equals...

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fatduck
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby fatduck » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:29 pm

kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.

the topic is fine, the problem is that the point she's trying to make is waldo, and no one can find him

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dextermorgan
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby dextermorgan » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:30 pm

I actually really like the theme of this, but the uncomfortable flourishes have to go. This will be read predominately by old white men.

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Bildungsroman
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Bildungsroman » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:30 pm

fatduck wrote:
kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.

the topic is fine, the problem is that the point she's trying to make is waldo, and no one can find him

I hope "topic" here is about finding one's identity and not about retelling the story of your first kiss.

Unless your first kiss was really epic, like you were dying and a kiss healed you. That would probably be a cool topic.

bobbyh1919
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby bobbyh1919 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:34 pm

As a general piece of advice, I would work to refine this PS but also write another one on a simpler topic that is more clearly connected to your interest in law school. Your personality really shines through here, but I can absolutely see it being hit or miss with different schools and would recommend you break it out for some of your reach schools and use a simpler PS to apply to your safeties and other borderline schools.

Just an idea though, good luck regardless.

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espressocream
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby espressocream » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:52 pm

kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.


I wanted to indicate how much I've changed - having tossed out everything I was raised to believe.

Topic is more about growth and breaking from something you've known your entire life. I finished writing this 20 mins before posting, and the kiss was what sprung as a title.

Writing about losing my virginity would be a bit much, imo.

thederangedwang
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:53 pm

this what my reaction reading your statement

:shock: :!: :shock: :?: :shock: :!: :shock:

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Ruxin1
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Ruxin1 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:54 pm

espressocream wrote:
kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.


I wanted to indicate how much I've changed - having tossed out everything I was raised to believe.

Topic is more about growth and breaking from something you've known your entire life. I finished writing this 20 mins before posting, and the kiss was what sprung as a title.

Writing about losing my virginity would be a bit much, imo.


I mean I think you can convey your change into wanting to go to law school without being as brash that's all.

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Ozymandias
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby Ozymandias » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:03 pm

Oh my.

thederangedwang
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:17 pm

kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.

huh? no...

OP, this is probably the worst PS I've read on this site since I've become a member. What makes it the worst isnt that you're a bad writer, in fact, you seem to be quite a decent writer..rather..the topic and approach and tone and mood you set are horrendous. In addition, because you are a decent writer, this makes the PS all the more bad because a good writer like you should have realized that this was really really bad.

I mean, I dont even know where to start. The topic is not acceptable at all and i really dont know why other people say its an ok topic.

Im going to think about what to say and then come back and edit this comment to give you more thoughts

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kwais
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby kwais » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:25 pm

OP, it is good that you are getting a diversity of opinions, as adcomms are not a homogeneous group either. I will just caution though, that many people on this site are risk averse with essays to the point that they would have you submit a PS that is not you, that blends into the pile and makes you utterly forgettable.

What you have here is a great topic. Every other document in your file is about you the student. This is your one chance to round that out. I urge you to resist the advice that says to write directly about why you will make a great law candidate. You show that here in more subtle and interesting ways.

And by the way, what in the world is controversial or outrageous about her tone or topic? Are you guys Amish?

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glitter178
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby glitter178 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:28 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
kwais wrote:
Ruxin1 wrote:Yeah I think the middle of you agreeing not to call women sluts or feeling on level grounds to hookers makes you a good law school candidate how?


It makes her a better person and it shows growth and courage given her cultural background. This is infinitely better than "the semester I interned at the blah blah made me realize" crap that most people write.

huh? no...

OP, this is probably the worst PS I've read on this site since I've become a member. What makes it the worst isnt that you're a bad writer, in fact, you seem to be quite a decent writer..rather..the topic and approach and tone and mood you set are horrendous. In addition, because you are a decent writer, this makes the PS all the more bad because a good writer like you should have realized that this was really really bad.

I mean, I dont even know where to start. The topic is not acceptable at all and i really dont know why other people say its an ok topic.

Im going to think about what to say and then come back and edit this comment to give you more thoughts



Law schools are like hookers on a Brooklyn street corner right now: there are so many of them, supply far exceeds demand and they're practically begging you to pick them up. I say clean up the grammar and organization and turn it in, and expect to slightly out-perform your numbers not because of your PS, but because less students are applying to law school.

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PDaddy
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby PDaddy » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:33 pm

Find another topic, and spend at least three months writing your personal statement. You need an essay that is balanced in ethos (credibility and leadership), pathos (emotional appeal), mythos (symbolism, syllogisms and metaphors), and logos (logic).

If your topic doesn't allow you to invoke those elements, it isn't a good essay. Good writers can use two with good skill. Great writers can effectively employ three. Superior writers use all four, and tell compelling stories while doing it. I would not admit you based on this personal statement.

Write from the heart, but always remember your audience. That means, anticipating the questions that the adcom members will have as they read your essay and answering those questions as the essay proceeds. To do this, you must be critical of yourself...self-aware. And you must be willing to admit shortcomings and show how you have changed or grown from your experiences. lastly, you must relate all of this to your desire to attend law school.

Remember also that you do not have to tell your "entire" story, but you must tell a "complete" story. If you don't close the show with a strong rhetorical finish, your essay will not be memorable.

Good luck! :)
Last edited by PDaddy on Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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laxbrah420
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby laxbrah420 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:38 pm

Since I talked to you on chat, I know you're not a really stupid person. However, you badly need to pick a new subject, escort.

eta: maybe elaborate flame?

thederangedwang
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:39 pm

OK, back with thoughts.

Firstly, the fact that 1/2 the people think its crap and 1/2 thinks its OK should tell you that this topic is not good since quite frankly, its too risky. Your goal should get 9/10 or 10/10 people to say its a good statement. Not 5/10.

Ok, now my thoughts.

You reek of complete and utter smugness, arrogance, and elitism. I mean, who the hell says, I now consider myself equals to escorts (this implies, I use to look down on women such as those)...yes most people might think that, but nobody says it..much less write it down and send it to law schools.

Then you imply how the pakistani women are somehow partly to blame for their own sexist denigration. I mean really? Blame the victim

I mean, its like you have no social compass whatsoever. You actually used the word slut in your topic and mentioned that you used to call people sluts quite frequently...inappropriate much?

Finally, the overall tone and theme in your statement is unbearable naive and pompous and just reeks of immaturity.

In essence your statement is this: I went to pakistan, saw women being treated badly, i came back and read some stuff about it, saw some graphs about it. Now i consider myself to be a better person since i no longer think escorts are bad people and i stopped calling people sluts. Now I want to go to law school and help people.

Do you know how naive and superficial sounding this seems? It's like what Anna Ivey said...if people were true to what they wrote in their PS, then there would be no wars, world hunger, etc. The statement is just so NAIVE...i mean...i cant stress how disturbingly not thought through the statement was.

On top of it all, you somehow then randomly bring in the story of you being kissed and enjoying it

My advice, start over. Your start is ok, meaning, if you want to write about how you were super conservative, then fine...but no to the remaining 80% of it

msu1077
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby msu1077 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:48 pm

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Last edited by msu1077 on Wed Nov 14, 2012 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

collegebum1989
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby collegebum1989 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:14 pm

First, kudos for actually having the courage to write about a controversial topic and actually sending it out publicly lol

Second, you have to understand that the purpose of the PS is to gain favor of adcoms. This essay, however unique it may be, can either be a positive or negative impression. Just because you are memorable, doesn't mean you are for good reasons. You are writing about a controversial topic using controversial rhetoric and tone. This means you are tripling your chances of someone finding this offensive. If you were to change your tone and approach to this essay, it would sort of be acceptable depending on how you write it. I'm all for taking risks, but understand the probability of those risks. Right now, you seem so opinionated within this essay, that the chances are your powerful voice has the potential to be misconstrued as inappropriate arrogance.

Third, you discuss Law School very shortly and then refer back to your first kiss in the concluding paragraph. This shows that you are more concerned with writing about your first kiss and saying "f*** you" to religious ideals than you are in presenting your candidacy and willingness to go to Law School. Your emphasis within this essay is misplaced.

AP-375
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Re: First kiss PS

Postby AP-375 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:22 pm

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Last edited by AP-375 on Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:42 am, edited 1 time in total.




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