Disclaimer: I'm starting the application process myself, just finished writing a first draft of my PS, so feel free to take everything I say with a sizeable grain of salt. With that out of the way...
You have a lot of interesting background experiences, but I don't see much of a connection to the law in any of them. You talk a lot about leadership, personal growth, etc. which is good, but there's nothing in there that builds to your desire to go to law school. Why are you picking law school as an avenue to effect change rather than, say, volunteerism or nonprofit work? Basically, your PS boils down to:
1. Harsh and rigid upbringing, black and white outlook, you weren't happy with it.
2. Joining the Army, gaining leadership skills, growing more comfortable with not taking direction.
3. You're not really sure what to do, work is unsatisfying, you've been told college isn't important. You want to help people, make a good living, and work out your personal faith.
4. Your pastor taught you that work, faith, personal life, and community service can all build from each other.
5. You want to go to law school and do something involving inclusiveness.
I don't see any real connection or segue between 1-4 and 5. Did you wind up going to college? I don't know. Is there something that really draws you to the law over other ways of serving the community? I don't know. What kinds of law-based activities do you feel could help achieve your goals? I don't know. Those are questions that need to be answered. You have a lot of good background, but this PS reads like you're not really sure what you want to do and you thought law school might be a good way to go, which is not the impression you want to give.
Again, just my two cents, as someone who has not yet finished applying himself.