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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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jychun412
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:25 pm

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Postby jychun412 » Sun Jul 15, 2012 3:50 am

Thanks
Last edited by jychun412 on Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:47 am, edited 2 times in total.

Jonathk1
Posts: 113
Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2012 6:56 pm

Re: Please critique! Is this close to final draft?

Postby Jonathk1 » Sun Jul 15, 2012 11:58 pm

I thought it was alright. I think the transition in tone could be better though IMO. The first half of your PS made you sound somewhat bitter (Which of course is understandable), but I felt you needed to elaborate more on how you went from micro (seeing your family harmed) to macro (seeing immigrants harmed). I know you said that you moved to a Buddhist temple and saw other immigrants experiencing the same thing (Which I'm assuming is the connection for the micro-macro) but the bitter tone suddenly disappears without a real explanation as to why.

I think it would also be beneficial for you to explain why a legal education is the best route to achieving your dreams. You can be an immigration advocate without necessarily being a lawyer. You can also open a legal assistance center for immigrants without being a lawyer (Indeed, you can just be the director for the center). What is it exactly about being a lawyer that will help you achieve what you are trying to achieve?

Would you mind reading my diversity statement? PM me.

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jychun412
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:25 pm

Re: Please critique! Is this close to final draft?

Postby jychun412 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 1:08 am

Thanks Jonathk1 :)
Do you have any suggestions on how I could improve the transition in tone? I didn't mean to change the tone but I wrote it that way because someone had said that I mention my bitterness too many times. I don't know how I could improve it without being repetitive.

Jonathk1
Posts: 113
Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2012 6:56 pm

Re: Please critique! Is this close to final draft?

Postby Jonathk1 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 1:02 pm

Edited.
Last edited by Jonathk1 on Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jychun412
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:25 pm

Re: Please critique! Is this close to final draft?

Postby jychun412 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:57 pm

Thanks for your helpful critique, Jonathk1 :)
I see what I have to work on now.




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