First Draft Diversity Statement (or Personal Statement?)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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crossingfingers
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First Draft Diversity Statement (or Personal Statement?)

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:02 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

ams212
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby ams212 » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:07 pm

Edited*

Good luck on your cycle OP
Last edited by ams212 on Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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sjwest
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby sjwest » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:14 pm

After sentence one, I would put you straight into the trash pile. I'm not saying to drop the anarchist topic, but you need to ease into it, and come across as less extreme.

Edit: after thinking about it, remember admissions committee members have political leanings, and while they aren't supposed to, people will always want to work with people who have similar ideologies. I think you should drop it altogether.

Think connotation man. This is what people see when they think anarchist:

Image

Not good for you.

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kapachino
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby kapachino » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:22 pm

Is it possible to discuss some other facet of your life? This just seems destined for the trash pile, regardless of how you dress up it or water it down . At the very least, you should avoid identifying yourself as an anarchist, because, as someone else deftly pointed out, the adcomm will question why you want to study law when you appear to have no respect for or desire to be governed by it. I would also avoid using words like "discrimination" and "minority". You could argue that you're an underdog of sorts, but they'll see it as the result of your leanings, and not something that is beyond your control.

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crossingfingers
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:30 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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crossingfingers
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:38 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

masked kavana
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby masked kavana » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:55 pm

I don't think the anarchist thing will ding you as much as the tone of the essay. Halfway through I was falling asleep. Sorry if that's harsh but I honestly think you can write a better diversity statement than this.

Your writing is good, it's just overly formulaic. Try to think outside the box (ugh such a bad cliche) and perhaps writeabout how you can display anarchist beliefs while being a law student or how your anarchist beliefs came about. Show how your beliefs will bring diversity to the school rather than stating how your beliefs make you a minority.

Hope this helps.

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crossingfingers
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:59 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kapachino
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby kapachino » Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:04 pm

crossingfingers wrote:Thanks Kapachino. So you think that this would not only make reach schools quicker to auto-reject me, but also would hurt my chances at otherwise interested schools?

Also, I get what you're saying about the hot words. I tried to make it clear that I'm specifically saying that I'm clearly not discriminated against in any tangible way, but I see what you mean by suggesting maybe to just drop the words.

I guess it seems funny to me that admitting a classification that applies (as it does to a number of non-threatening prominent figures... I am very non-threatening, though not at all prominent) could actually bring about the one time in my life that I would very clearly and tangibly be discriminated against for said beliefs.




No one has a crystal ball or intimate knowledge of how every admissions committee will respond to edgy diversity and personal statements, but the general consensus is that you don't want to do anything to prevent them from giving you a chance. There has to be another way for you to stand out and sell yourself to them without tripping over their biases. And yeah, you're probably not the assault rifle-gripping survivalist type that is generally associated with anarchy, but why shoot yourself in the foot and risk them thinking of you in that way?

Also, I knew what you meant when you used those words, but people can be simple, especially if they have a thousand other applications to get through. Just don't give them a reason to think you're anything but capable of rounding out the incoming class.

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kapachino
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby kapachino » Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:09 pm

crossingfingers wrote:
masked kavana wrote:I don't think the anarchist thing will ding you as much as the tone of the essay. Halfway through I was falling asleep. Sorry if that's harsh but I honestly think you can write a better diversity statement than this.

Your writing is good, it's just overly formulaic. Try to think outside the box (ugh such a bad cliche) and perhaps writeabout how you can display anarchist beliefs while being a law student or how your anarchist beliefs came about. Show how your beliefs will bring diversity to the school rather than stating how your beliefs make you a minority.

Hope this helps.


Very helpful, thanks!

I felt the same when I finished the draft. I guess I struggled with being clear about a topic that I feel warrants a significant amount of explanation while still keeping it under a full page.



The anarchist thing really sets the tone. It's the first thing you said, and that will make it hard to read the rest of what you have to say with an open mind. If you have to say it, ease into it, and try to explain your views. I don't think it's worth it to even mention, but it is your app. Wouldn't you rather play up your strengths and work experience? Most people applying don't have ten years of work experience under their belts, so that alone gives you an edge. Yes, it's safer and takes some of the kick out of your app, but again, it's safer. Your goal is to get in. Once you're in, tell people how you feel.

masked kavana
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby masked kavana » Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:11 pm

crossingfingers wrote:
masked kavana wrote:I don't think the anarchist thing will ding you as much as the tone of the essay. Halfway through I was falling asleep. Sorry if that's harsh but I honestly think you can write a better diversity statement than this.

Your writing is good, it's just overly formulaic. Try to think outside the box (ugh such a bad cliche) and perhaps writeabout how you can display anarchist beliefs while being a law student or how your anarchist beliefs came about. Show how your beliefs will bring diversity to the school rather than stating how your beliefs make you a minority.

Hope this helps.


Very helpful, thanks!

I felt the same when I finished the draft. I guess I struggled with being clear about a topic that I feel warrants a significant amount of explanation while still keeping it under a full page.


Don't worry about the one page rule. My DS was one and a half pages so it's flexible. :)

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crossingfingers
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:29 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement (or Personal Statement?)

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:12 pm

as others have noted, stop writing so...wordily..way too many philosphical/political terms tossed casually into the statement...also you should never use the word lest, lest you want to be labeled as a pretentious ass.

Also, the anarachist theme is interesting, except the way you approach it in is not ok.

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crossingfingers
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement (or Personal Statement?)

Postby crossingfingers » Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:32 pm

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Last edited by crossingfingers on Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BalanceCare
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Re: First Draft Diversity Statement (or Personal Statement?)

Postby BalanceCare » Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:15 pm

nothing wrong with the topic, imho, but one truism of good writing is "show, don't tell", and this PS is doing the latter. i think you'd be better off with some kind of narrative element that explains why you hold these ideals. good luck!

edit: to me this seems better-suited to the subject of PS rather than a DS.




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