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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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jychun412
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Postby jychun412 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:12 am

Thanks :)
Last edited by jychun412 on Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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MormonChristian
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby MormonChristian » Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:30 am

jychun412 wrote:I believe in a minor religion, Won Buddhism, which is a variant of Buddhism that originated in Korea.
When I first came to U.S., I sought support and friendship from the Korean American community in my city. But because most Korean Americans are Christians, I felt secluded. Most of them did not know what Won Buddhism was and thought of me as strange and weird. This hurt me a lot when I was young, and hindered my relationships with others.
What I've learned from having this kind of experience is the importance of understanding different religions in order to identify and work with people from diverse backgrounds. My background will allow me to better serve immigrant communities as a lawyer.

This is a rough narrative of my DS if I decide to write one on this topic. I know religion is typically not a good choice for diversity statement, but I just wanted to see if it could work.
Or is the below topic better? (sorry I've posted it before but it's just for comparison)

Because my family barely manages to make a living off the store, we've never hired any employee during the 8 years that we were in business. This meant that I had to participate in the family business and as a result, I never had free weekends or family vacation throughout middle school and high school. The hardship was greatest when the store we'd owned had to close. When the store closed down, we were left with all the merchandise without money to start a new store. As a solution, my family started going to swap meets to try to sell all the stuffs. I had to wake up at 5 AM every Saturday and Sunday to help out my parents at the swap meet. It was particularly difficult when I had to study for finals and SAT's in the little spare time that I had between customers. After months of hard work, we were able to open a new store, but my mother's health had deteriorated due to long hours of demanding work at the swap meet and I felt greater pressure to help out with the business. While it was difficult to balance work with school, the hardship strengthened my determination to pursue my goals and succeed.

Any feedback would be appreciated :)


I personally would only mention your religion in one sentence, obviously it helps define who you are but generally religion doesn't make a compelling story. Notwithstanding, I would expand on your life it comes off as sacrificial yet fruitful.

Best of luck.

2ndtime
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby 2ndtime » Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:40 am

You wrote "I felt secluded". I think you meant "excluded".

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jychun412
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby jychun412 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:22 am

@ 2ndtime, I've fixed it. Thanks :)

@MormonChristian, so do you think I'd be better off writing about the other topic-supporting family business?

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MormonChristian
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby MormonChristian » Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:35 am

jychun412 wrote:@ 2ndtime, I've fixed it. Thanks :)

@MormonChristian, so do you think I'd be better off writing about the other topic-supporting family business?


I personally think you should write about what defines you. I think though that you ought to emphasize your sacrifice and the rewards from your family. I think you should include your religion, but not emphasize it.


Your target audience is usually 30-40 something year old women, with a child or two. They are trying to juggle a career and child rearing.

bmore
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby bmore » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:19 am

"I believe in a minor religion, Won Buddhism, which is a variant of Buddhism that originated in Korea."

I PRACTICE a somewhat obscure religion.........

I really don't like this para. And neither para is well written. Maybe it's because they are rough drafts. 2nd topic, you keep repeating how you had to help out. I think the audiience will get it the first or second time. Try not to come off as whining but that these were experiences that made you who you are (without hitting the audience over the head with it).

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jychun412
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Re: How's this diversity statement topic (religion)?

Postby jychun412 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:20 am

oh they're not drafts at all.
more like an outline of the story to explain my topic.
but thanks for your feedback! :)




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