Here's a draft of my PS about a fight with my father (1st)

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Here's a draft of my PS about a fight with my father (1st)

Postby christopheradam » Tue Jul 03, 2012 12:05 am

I had to write this for a recommender and I'd like you guys get a look at it too. Let me know what you think. :D

I love ideas because of the influence that ideas have in personal and social change. As I began a full-time job soon after graduating high school, I felt that I was missing exposure to greater, more powerful ideas, as well as the opportunity to develop my own. For this reason, I left my job as a machine technician and enrolled in community college for the fall. Though I felt confident in the decision, and assured my single father that I would find part time work soon after settling into classes, arguments began about my decision to “throw away” a perfectly good job.

Shortly after the semester began, my father came home from work to find me building a desk and assumed I bought it for myself. Outraged that I would waste my savings while being unemployed, he smashed the desk and threw me out of the house warning me not to return until I had a job. I was building the desk for a friend for extra money. When faced with the decision to leave college or to leave my family home, I decided that developing both intellectually, and as a person, required me to pursue the formative opportunity of education.

Fortunately, I was taken in by friends, though my fall semester grades suffered between the search, and working, of a retail job, and consistent family turbulence. My grades improved dramatically the following semester but my relationship with my father did not and the first 2 years of my college career passed effectively estranged. During this time the study of philosophy, critical analysis, and cultural theory had the most significant impact on me and the legal system began to appeal to me as a manifestation of the powerful, foundational structure these ideas provide for our society.

Though I would return to father’s house after my sophomore year to mend our relationship before I transferred to the state school, I did so with a managerial position at the retail store and 4.0 gpa for my sophomore year. In the reconciliation, we discussed our future as father and son, and my own academic and professional goals. I feel a great deal of this process was made possible by the study and development of my critical thinking and communication skills, and makes me believe that our relationship was saved through the cultivation and efficacy of ideas.

I continued to work throughout college and sought to expand my communication skills in other ways and began writing short stories and screenplays. As this hobby progressed, I could not help but consider the intersection between the structured discourse of the law and the authorship of ideas. Now working at a legal publishing company, I proudly consider myself to be facilitating the spread of legal knowledge and wish to pursue a legal education of my own to further explore the intricate capability in the interaction between idea and reality.

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Re: Here's a draft of my PS about a fight with my father (1st)

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:35 am

A bit too dramatic due to excessive emphasis/repetition & poor word choices. The key to good legal writing is writing an organized essay comprised of crisp, clear sentences. Writing in a subtle, yet effective, manner is not easy, but should develop over time with legal writing experience.

Nevertheless, as an early draft your writing is a solid effort.

P.S. It seems like you're trying too hard to impress readers by using more "sophisticated" words than necessary.

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Re: Here's a draft of my PS about a fight with my father (1st)

Postby cutecarmel » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:39 pm

Honestly (I'm not trying to be mean or rude I swear) this is just awful.

Maybe I just don't get it. What do you mean you love ideas? Who's ideas? And why is the rest of your statement not about these ideas?

I think you need to find a theme and focus on it, and ideally, you're love for ideas shouldn't be it.

I think a better topic might be the turbulent relationship with your father and the difficulty that you faced in choosing whether to disappoint your Dad and quit your job or further your education and go to school. You could write about the effect that that experience had on you, and how you developed as a result and how that has made you a better, stronger, wiser person. Actually starting with the desk breaking incident would be a really interesting intro.

A few words of advice.

Don't mention your low GPA in a PS, ever. Its a place to highlight your strengths, not point out your flaws. You actually don't have to mention your GPA or what you studied at all unless it flows really well with your statement.

You say, "I could not help but consider the intersection between the structured discourse of the law and the authorship of ideas" but I don't see how writing screen plays led to your interest in law. Perhaps you should explain this.

Work on grammar.

And of course, find a theme and focus on it.

Good luck

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Re: Here's a draft of my PS about a fight with my father (1st)

Postby Flips88 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:10 pm

this reads like a GPA addendum.

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