Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
aamatsui
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Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:35 am

Hey everyone!

I am applying to law school in the fall and just completed the first draft of my Personal Statement. Edits, criticism, and comments would be greatly appreciated!

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: .
Last edited by aamatsui on Fri Aug 03, 2012 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ben4847
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby ben4847 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:43 am

Looks like UT to me.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:07 am

ben4847 wrote:Looks like UT to me.


UT? What does that mean?

AEIOU
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby AEIOU » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:09 am

ben4847 wrote:Looks like UT to me.

Hahahah. This made my LSAT score waiting ass's night.

AEIOU
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby AEIOU » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:11 am

aamatsui wrote:
With my eyes glued to the computer screen, teeth aching from hours of nail biting, and a knot of cold tension rising in my stomach, I watched with dismay as hundreds of comments appeared on a website looking for ways to slander my name and reputation. People across the country whom I have never met were calling me an idiot, immature, incapable, and a terrorist.

Sounds like someone is spending too much time on TLS.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:18 am

AEIOU wrote:
aamatsui wrote:
With my eyes glued to the computer screen, teeth aching from hours of nail biting, and a knot of cold tension rising in my stomach, I watched with dismay as hundreds of comments appeared on a website looking for ways to slander my name and reputation. People across the country whom I have never met were calling me an idiot, immature, incapable, and a terrorist.

Sounds like someone is spending too much time on TLS.


Lol Honestly just joined tonight

AEIOU
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby AEIOU » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:41 am

aamatsui wrote:
AEIOU wrote:
aamatsui wrote:
With my eyes glued to the computer screen, teeth aching from hours of nail biting, and a knot of cold tension rising in my stomach, I watched with dismay as hundreds of comments appeared on a website looking for ways to slander my name and reputation. People across the country whom I have never met were calling me an idiot, immature, incapable, and a terrorist.

Sounds like someone is spending too much time on TLS.


Lol Honestly just joined tonight

Couldn't resist... I think that the introduction is way too dramatic, but I think the premise is appropriate and that the style fits the topic well -- just needs to be toned down a little. Also, it is very sloppy at parts, and may be too political in tone. Some grammatical mistakes as well.
Last edited by AEIOU on Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:53 am

AEIOU wrote:
aamatsui wrote:
AEIOU wrote:
aamatsui wrote:
With my eyes glued to the computer screen, teeth aching from hours of nail biting, and a knot of cold tension rising in my stomach, I watched with dismay as hundreds of comments appeared on a website looking for ways to slander my name and reputation. People across the country whom I have never met were calling me an idiot, immature, incapable, and a terrorist.

Sounds like someone is spending too much time on TLS.


Lol Honestly just joined tonight

Couldn't resist... I think that the introduction is way too dramatic, but I think the premise is appropriate and that the style fits the topic well -- just needs to be toned down a little. Also, it is very sloppy at parts, and may be too political in tone. Some grammatical mistakes as well.


Thanks I will work on all those points

AEIOU
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby AEIOU » Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:59 am

aamatsui wrote: In essence, law is still a man made entity that can be capable of great benefit or harm to the society in which it rules.

I think the preceding quote also deserve special scrutiny. I don't know if this statement will harm your essay too much, as legal positivism is a popular theory of jurisprudence in our age, but it is very controversial. In fact, it runs counter to the natural law beliefs of America's founders.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:05 am

AEIOU wrote:
aamatsui wrote: In essence, law is still a man made entity that can be capable of great benefit or harm to the society in which it rules.

I think the preceding quote also deserve special scrutiny. I don't know if this statement will harm your essay too much, as legal positivism is a popular theory of jurisprudence in our age, but it is very controversial. In fact, it runs counter to the natural law beliefs of America's founders.


Thank you. This is noted. Maybe not a good idea when applying to fairly conservative law schools?

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kwais
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby kwais » Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:15 am

Good start for sure. I would tone down the first paragraph. Some of the present tense drama is just too much. The last paragraph is a little declaratory. The stuff about how you learned that a law degree would be helpful lacks a solid premise. Lastly, I would consider broadening the goals. While it's nice that your history and experiences lead to a decisive point, it might be a little more mature to recognize the possibility that this path is more an ambition or a shorthand for a broader kind of service than it is a foregone conclusion. But I thought this was better than most early efforts.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Thu Jun 28, 2012 3:27 am

kwais wrote:Good start for sure. I would tone down the first paragraph. Some of the present tense drama is just too much. The last paragraph is a little declaratory. The stuff about how you learned that a law degree would be helpful lacks a solid premise. Lastly, I would consider broadening the goals. While it's nice that your history and experiences lead to a decisive point, it might be a little more mature to recognize the possibility that this path is more an ambition or a shorthand for a broader kind of service than it is a foregone conclusion. But I thought this was better than most early efforts.


Thank you kwais. This was very helpful advice and exactly what I need guidance on. Hopefully good Karma finds you

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:13 pm

Well done for a first draft. There are a few errors (e.g., such as referring to a social worker as "that" rather than "who" or "whom") but the primary weakness is the final paragraph. The difference between the first three paragraphs & the concluding paragraph is that you venture from known experiences to speculation about law school & "traditional American benefits".

P.S. In my view, the first three paragraphs are very well done, however. The final paragraph is very good, but you lose credibility when referring to food stamps as a "traditional American benefit" (as I'm pretty sure that the Pilgrams hunted & gathered much of the food for the first Thansgiving without government assistance). The first US food stamp program started in 1939, while the current program is even younger & few Americans consider food stamps a traditional American benefit akin to free speech, the right to vote & freedom of religion.

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ix88
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby ix88 » Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:22 am

This is a good draft. Probably the best one I've read in awhile.

thederangedwang
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby thederangedwang » Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:03 am

not sure if this has been said, but get rid of the title..you dont need one

VasaVasori
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Postby VasaVasori » Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:24 am

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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MrSparkle
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby MrSparkle » Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:32 am

You have the experience to make a great PS, but I feel like I was shortchanged. It begins with such promise, but by the end I feel like it was hollowed out in the middle.

What happened during the campaign? How did that reflect on you being the unique (truly unique) individual you are? Politics, American dream, immigrant parents, being a part of 3 cultures, all of this mixed together makes for a story that is hard to screw up, you just got to tell it right.

Structurally, a main problem is you try to tell two stories and don't finish either of them. Story #1: You running for public office. Story #2: Your parents' story and how services helped them. I'd focus on one more than the other. And I'd delete the last paragraph.

bobbyflayed
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby bobbyflayed » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:01 pm

First sentence has parallel structure problems.

bobbyh1919
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby bobbyh1919 » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:25 pm

I thought this was pretty good ovearll. The opening paragraph definitely hooked me, but once I found out what all the hype was about it seemed a little over the top. Investigators were trying to incriminate you? Your friends all gave you cold stares? I'm not sure these details gel with the story you're trying to tell. It's great to hook the reader and make them want more, but you need to make sure the hype delivers and I felt there was a disconnect between the first two paragraphs.

I would also expand more on how law school could help you with your goals and be less absolute about your career goals. Instead of saying how proud you are to "devote your life" to your cause, say how you would like to explore various fields related to your goal, etc. Even though you may plan to devote yourself to this, it sounds very absolute and may come across as over the top.

Overall, nicely done though! Should be great by the time you submit it.

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Balthy
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby Balthy » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:27 pm

In my opinion, the "oh... most people would turn away at this point.. but I didn't, because I'm awesome" rhetoric is trite, and maybe even a bit cocky. Not saying to scrap the whole thing, but one sentence in particular could be angled differently. I usually prefer reading essays which construct that hinge in the narrative as a true internal struggle, perhaps giving some insight into your personal doubts or whatever, and then telling us about your triumph over that doubt, which naturally ends in some profound realization that, for the reader, authenticates your original claim.


There are other points that I think were covered already. Good first draft!

Edit: Since there seems to be a disagreement as to whether the first paragraph is too dramatic, I want to give me opinion: yes, just a bit. From what I've read, adcomms aren't really looking for a personal essay, in the ordinary sense. They prefer getting to the point, and when they say "personal," they are more interested in content than writing style. Nevertheless, they are human, and some well-written fluff can help (most first drafts I read are way more dramatic than yours). So, just toning it down slightly would be good, I think.

aamatsui
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Re: Is this a T14 law school PS? Please help!

Postby aamatsui » Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:12 pm

Thank You all for your insightful words of wisdom. I have taken every comment to heart and will post a revised draft shortly




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