PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

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esh12
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:44 pm

PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby esh12 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:44 pm

EDITED -- Draft taken offline at 7:50pm
Last edited by esh12 on Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:10 pm

Yuck ! The fourth paragraph of your essay is among the worst that I have ever read. Yuck !

P.S. This essay creates the image of a huckster. Do you think that that will help your law school application ?

P.P.S. This writing shows the definition of superficial. Try to write a more sincere piece that evidences depth of thought.

esh12
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:44 pm

Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby esh12 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:56 pm

4th paragraph is not meant to sound douchey. It's meant to convey that running into this individual gave me a new human perspective. Is it "huckter-ish" of me to say that I want to go into something more worthwhile than the lure of Wall Street riches? Was that me back in college? Yes. Is it me now? No.

I agree this PS needs a lot of work, especially with the unneeded dramatics. I don't want to come off as some good Samaritan who thinks that by buying a homeless man a meal I've suddenly "seen the light" on the need for social change and want to go to law school. I think it's an interesting story that I'm trying to incorporate into my PS. We all know there are enough essays about people who've flown to Africa to help needy children, or who've overcome childhood trauma (homelessness or abuse), etc. etc. Not that I'm saying these are bad topics to write about, but they're derivative and they're plenty.
Last edited by esh12 on Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

esh12
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:44 pm

Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby esh12 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:58 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:P.P.S. This writing shows the definition of superficial. Try to write a more sincere piece that evidences depth of thought.


Can you give me an example of a sentence that comes off as such and how you'd rewrite it? I have no direction without more specifics. Writing for an academic audience is not a forte for someone who's been out of school for 3 years.

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cutecarmel
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Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby cutecarmel » Mon Jun 25, 2012 4:39 pm

I don't think the first 2 paragraphs are necessary, because your paper isn't really about you as a salesman. I would tweak the first sentence of the third paragraph and start with that. You can mention it briefly because you talk about how law will allow you to work with the "human element"

I don't see anything wrong with the 4th paragraph. It sounds a bit corny, but that's not the end of the world.

I like that you talk about your reasons for going to law school, but I don't think you need to mention that it wasn't an overnight process, and you don't need to say that you don't know the intricacies of the law because you are not expected to.

When you say,
Instead now, I am prepared to use these same skills for a different cause.
, you should probably go into more detail about that cause. Also you might want to think about/mention what field of law you want to practice because the "human element" that you say you were missing from you current career is also missing from many fields of law. Depending on the field, your clients can become not much more than a number and you'll feel the same disconnect as in sales.

esh12
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:44 pm

Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby esh12 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:49 pm

thanks cutecarmel. judging by the feedback, i've got a lot of work cut out for me. i may look into other topics as well for a complete re-write to not risk sounding phony/manufactured (which wasn't my intention).

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:34 pm

Your essay basically asserted that you met a homeless person, fed him & then you became kindred spirits. The presentation was too superficial, in my opinion. I am not trying to be unkind or overly critical, but a law school PS should exhibit sincerity & insight, not simplistic greeting card shallowness.

The last half of your fourth paragraph was atrocious & contained errors including the mispelling of Cory's name as Corey.

Stop trying to write what you think adcomms want to read; write what you truly feel.

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cutecarmel
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Re: PS 1st Draft - critiques welcomed

Postby cutecarmel » Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:33 pm

esh12 wrote:thanks cutecarmel. judging by the feedback, i've got a lot of work cut out for me. i may look into other topics as well for a complete re-write to not risk sounding phony/manufactured (which wasn't my intention).


You'll get it. It takes a while. I wrote about 3 drafts of my PS before a strong theme started to come together.

Good luck!




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