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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
esther0123
Posts: 263
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:40 am

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Postby esther0123 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:06 am

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Last edited by esther0123 on Sat Mar 15, 2014 2:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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cutecarmel
Posts: 599
Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 11:39 pm

Re: overcoming adversity: fostercare to university PS -- draft#2

Postby cutecarmel » Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:06 pm

In general, I like it.

I think you mention what a "stellar student" you are a bit too often.

I don't feel that you need to say "where some of the finest students in Canada compete for excellence". Its makes you sound a little pretentious

You don't need to mention the stuff about scholarships, fellowships, "grueling hours of work", your honorary invitation to ____, academic background, working for professors, etc. You should have to describe how you are a good student, it should speak for itself. And it should be in your resume.

You say: "Though my tale of rising from a group home to the top of a highly competitive university may seem inspiring, I represent a very rare fraction of disadvantaged youths." The way you word it, it seems like you should be talking about how other disadvantaged youths are more inspiring than you, but then you write about how they need help. I would change the first part of the sentence because it doesn't fit in with the rest of what your saying (and you are stating how smart you are again)


Your PS starts and ends with you talking about how you came from a disadvantaged background, but rose above it to be successful. However, the middle is basically you telling about how smart you are, which is great, but I think your paper would be much more compelling if you downplayed your specific achievements (definitely still mention them, but not in so much detail) and focused your paper more on how you overcame adversity and how law school will help you help others do the same.

Maybe focus more on how you were a mentor. You wrote much more when you gave a list of achievements, but being a mentor is much more interesting and will tell the school more about you than they can read in your resume.

esther0123
Posts: 263
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:40 am

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Postby esther0123 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:58 pm

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Last edited by esther0123 on Sat Mar 15, 2014 2:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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cutecarmel
Posts: 599
Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 11:39 pm

Re: overcoming adversity: fostercare to university PS -- draft#2

Postby cutecarmel » Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:26 am

You can definitely mention your academic achievements, but when you go into such detail, it becomes a bit too much (at least it seems so to me).

Good luck!




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