PS draft- too many topics?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
cpamom
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 11:48 am

PS draft- too many topics?

Postby cpamom » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:21 am

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Last edited by cpamom on Wed Oct 30, 2013 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:27 am

Proofread your essay prior to seeking content & structure critiques. There are too many distracting & irritating typos in your current version (for example, "...perusing my dreams" when you probably intended to write "pursuing my dreams").
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:29 am

The introductory paragraph is weak. The third sentence seems incomplete.

Overall, this is a very poorly written essay, in my opinion. Try to write in a more organized manner using crisp, clear sentences. Your theme is a bit too mundane. Seems like something one might scribble on the back of a postcard while riding in a train rather than an insightful piece intended for a law school application.

A law school personal statement should not be a regurgitation of your resume. Admissions officers are looking for insight into you beyond what is shown on your resume.

hooma
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Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby hooma » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:58 am

The very first paragraph with rhetorical questions should be cut entirely - this is often a trite technique and not particularly effective here.

You definitely do try to cover too much. Think about what you can write about most powerfully. I'll tell you that I was most interested in hearing more about transitioning from life in Russia to the United States - can you think of a specific anecdote that would provide a snapshot of what you were experiencing at that time?

Raising a sick child and going through a divorce are also very powerful experiences, especially representing yourself pro se. You have a lot of good material to choose from but you are right, you need to narrow it down.

Feel free to PM me later drafts.

cpamom
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 11:48 am

Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby cpamom » Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:40 pm

Thank you for your input!

CanadianWolf
Thank you for pointing out the fact that I relied on autocorrect too much. I probably should have put my writing away and looked at it tomorrow. I will definitely give my final version to a native-speaker for proofreading.
Should I leave the work part out altogether? They can read all about my professional accomplishments in my resume, I guess. Do you see any topics in my current version that I can elaborate on that do not seem mundane to you?


hooma

The only problem with immigration is that it occured a long time ago and so much happened after it! Thank you for your suggestion about anecdotes, I remembered how we lived in a very poor neighborhood when we just came, I was walking 2 miles to my job because I did not have a car, and my teenage co-workers in a restaurant used to ask me if my Russian was as bad as my English. They thought I was mentally challenged just because I could not speak well. Were so jealous when I got $8/hour on-campus job. :lol: I would leave it out of my PS, though, will keep thinking.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:46 pm

I agree with the other posters on most of their comments.

1). Delete the rhetorical statement at the beginning. It's childish and not mature. It doesn't grab the reader's attention and it reminds me of poor high-school writing. You want the beginning of your PS to immediately tell the adcomm what it is you're writing about. Don't make them wonder. Don't make them try to figure it out throughout the duration of your PS (which is what I struggled to do).

2). Remember that a PS is a "personal statement." That is to say that it should be about you. You focus a lot on things that happened to you or on things that occurred in your life, but we never get a sense of who you are or how you handled those situations. Your PS should show us how you changed, how you handled something, or how you have become the person you are now. I'm sure you have heard this before but "show don't tell" us your story. Let us get a sense of who you are as an individual, not some kind of second hand abridged biographical statement.

3). You do mention a lot of different issues and I found that they were not well tied together. My suggestion would be to pick one of those issues and really exploit it. I find your travel to America to be the most compelling, imo.

4). Be sure to have someone carefully edit this PS for you. You need help with grammar and syntax. It makes it very difficult to read.

Best of luck!

cpamom
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 11:48 am

Re: PS draft- too many topics?

Postby cpamom » Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:00 pm

thelawschoolproject

1). Delete the rhetorical statement at the beginning.
Thank you , will do!

2). Your PS should show us how you changed, how you handled something, or how you have become the person you are now.

Will write about one topic in detail, with examples, detail, etc.

3) My suggestion would be to pick one of those issues and really exploit it. I find your travel to America to be the most compelling, imo.

Immigration it is, then.

4). Be sure to have someone carefully edit this PS for you.
Absolutely!




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