Please critique this (revised 4-7-12)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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3v3ryth1ng
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Please critique this (revised 4-7-12)

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Thu May 03, 2012 9:46 am

I revised it (it's in the last comment). Tell me what you think. Need to send it today.

II
II
II
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This is a LOCI (letter of continued interest). For some reason, these never get any easier to write. I worked really hard on this one, yet I'm still not feelin' it. What do you guys think? Would add/omit anything? Notice any egregious errors?

*Note* I changed all sensitive information. The school isn't really called "Trolola Law School."

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!
Last edited by 3v3ryth1ng on Mon May 07, 2012 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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No13baby
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Re: Please critique this

Postby No13baby » Thu May 03, 2012 1:37 pm

I think this is fine. If anything, I'd take out the "I have grown immensely..." paragraph, as it sounds a little abrupt. You might then consider starting the next paragraph with something like, "After my visit to Trolola, I remain convinced that it is the best choice for me. I immediately noticed..."

BlueDiamond
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Re: Please critique this

Postby BlueDiamond » Thu May 03, 2012 1:39 pm

TL; DR .. and adcomms will feel the same way

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3v3ryth1ng
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Re: Please critique this

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Thu May 03, 2012 2:31 pm

BlueDiamond wrote:TL; DR .. and adcomms will feel the same way


Forgive me... TL? DR?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Please critique this

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu May 03, 2012 2:33 pm

3v3ryth1ng wrote:
BlueDiamond wrote:TL; DR .. and adcomms will feel the same way


Forgive me... TL? DR?
"too long; didn't read"

bmore
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Re: Please critique this

Postby bmore » Thu May 03, 2012 2:49 pm

I agree with all posters. Too long. Sounds more like a personal statement. How focusing only on tell them what you got out of your visit and why you would only attend there.

BTW, thanks for telling us the law school name was fake. I assume Ms. Derp is real :)

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MarcusAurelius
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Re: Please critique this

Postby MarcusAurelius » Thu May 03, 2012 3:15 pm

3v3ryth1ng wrote:This is a LOCI (letter of continued interest). For some reason, these never get any easier to write. I worked really hard on this one, yet I'm still not feelin' it. What do you guys think? Would add/omit anything? Notice any egregious errors?

*Note* I changed all sensitive information. The school isn't really called "Trolola Law School."

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!


-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms. Derp,

Thank you again for taking the time to consider my application. I am writing to reaffirm my interest in attending Trolola Law School. After visiting the campus and speaking with students, I am certain that I would be a great fit for your school. Trolola Law School is my preferred choice among law schools, and if were I offered admission, I would absolutely accept.

First, I would like to update you on my professional endeavors. I have had an extremely busy year as English Department Chair of our young high school. Our school merged with another school, resulting in the largest student body, and largest English department, of any school in our organization. This also resulted in numerous challenges that did not exist in previous years. Nonetheless, I was a able to foster a constructive, positive culture within our department. Ultimately, I led our department through several collaborative projects, including the creation of our new SAT preparation program and a plan to align our courses with the upcoming national academic standards. Later this month, I will stage our fourth annual talent show, sponsor a field trip, and guide novice teachers in preparing students for state tests. This, of course, is in addition to my regular duties as an English teacher.

I have grown immensely as a professional this year, especially as a leader. Because I have worked to create a great school, I have a deeper understanding of what constitutes a great school, and this has shaped my perspective on the law school selection process.

One indispensable characteristic of a great school is a culture that supports learning. Immediately upon my arrival at Trolola Law School, I noticed such a culture. Instead of the “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for, I sensed a healthy atmosphere of collegiality. The students I spoke with were unanimously positive about their Trolola experience, and many considered their professors to be mentors. Such faculty-student interaction was not present at other schools I have visited. I left with the impression that students feel safe expressing themselves, and that the faculty is genuinely invested in its students.

Great schools also offer students a range of options to meet their professional goals. Trolola indeed provides many options. Because I plan to practice in public interest, I am especially pleased with Trolola’s public interest law programs. Programs such as the Center for Martian Law and Policy or the Self Interest Law Society would provide great avenues for utilizing my prior experience. I am particularly interested in Trolola’s new Academic Focus program and its emphasis on experiential learning. While on campus, I met with a student who spoke highly of the Academic Focus program’s practical value, and of the attention she received from her faculty advisers. My visit to Trolola's campus left me with little doubt that Trolola Law School supports my professional goals.

Trolola Law School has established a fantastic culture of academic excellence and professional growth. If admitted, I would work to strengthen this culture. I would approach my studies with the same dedication with which I served the students of South Dumpington for the last four years. Your student body would benefit immensely from my perspective, and from the enthusiasm I would bring to academic discussions. I remain hopeful that you will invite me to join your team, and I eagerly await your response.


Best regards,



Richard Asstley


--ImageRemoved--

sparty99
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Re: Please critique this

Postby sparty99 » Thu May 03, 2012 3:27 pm

TOO DAMn wordy; get to the point. Be succint.

"Thank you again for taking the time to consider my application. I am writing to reaffirm my interest in the Troloa, and to assure you that I will accept an offer of admission.

The past year I have improved the _________ at XYZ HIGH SCHOOL. I DID XYZ, RESULTING IN _______.
I have grown immensely as a professional this year, especially as a leader. Because I have worked to create a great school, I have a deeper understanding of what constitutes a great school, and this has shaped my perspective on the law school selection process.

TROLOA LAW SCHOOL REMAINS MY TOP CHOICE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS: 1), 2), AND 3)....

I BELIEVE MY EXPERIENCE AT ______, HAS greatly prepared me for law school. XYZ..

Trolola Law School has established a fantastic culture of academic excellence and professional growth. If admitted, my background will only strengthen this culture...and I look forward to your response.

Best regards,

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3v3ryth1ng
Posts: 295
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Re: Please critique this

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Thu May 03, 2012 3:46 pm

bmore wrote:I agree with all posters. Too long. Sounds more like a personal statement. How focusing only on tell them what you got out of your visit and why you would only attend there.

BTW, thanks for telling us the law school name was fake. I assume Ms. Derp is real :)


Lol, well you know... someone always needs clarification. Thanks for the feedback guys!

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3v3ryth1ng
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Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:48 pm

Re: Please critique this

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Thu May 03, 2012 3:49 pm

MarcusAurelius wrote:
3v3ryth1ng wrote:This is a LOCI (letter of continued interest). For some reason, these never get any easier to write. I worked really hard on this one, yet I'm still not feelin' it. What do you guys think? Would add/omit anything? Notice any egregious errors?

*Note* I changed all sensitive information. The school isn't really called "Trolola Law School."

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!


-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms. Derp,

Thank you again for taking the time to consider my application. I am writing to reaffirm my interest in attending Trolola Law School. After visiting the campus and speaking with students, I am certain that I would be a great fit for your school. Trolola Law School is my preferred choice among law schools, and if were I offered admission, I would absolutely accept.

First, I would like to update you on my professional endeavors. I have had an extremely busy year as English Department Chair of our young high school. Our school merged with another school, resulting in the largest student body, and largest English department, of any school in our organization. This also resulted in numerous challenges that did not exist in previous years. Nonetheless, I was a able to foster a constructive, positive culture within our department. Ultimately, I led our department through several collaborative projects, including the creation of our new SAT preparation program and a plan to align our courses with the upcoming national academic standards. Later this month, I will stage our fourth annual talent show, sponsor a field trip, and guide novice teachers in preparing students for state tests. This, of course, is in addition to my regular duties as an English teacher.

I have grown immensely as a professional this year, especially as a leader. Because I have worked to create a great school, I have a deeper understanding of what constitutes a great school, and this has shaped my perspective on the law school selection process.

One indispensable characteristic of a great school is a culture that supports learning. Immediately upon my arrival at Trolola Law School, I noticed such a culture. Instead of the “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for, I sensed a healthy atmosphere of collegiality. The students I spoke with were unanimously positive about their Trolola experience, and many considered their professors to be mentors. Such faculty-student interaction was not present at other schools I have visited. I left with the impression that students feel safe expressing themselves, and that the faculty is genuinely invested in its students.

Great schools also offer students a range of options to meet their professional goals. Trolola indeed provides many options. Because I plan to practice in public interest, I am especially pleased with Trolola’s public interest law programs. Programs such as the Center for Martian Law and Policy or the Self Interest Law Society would provide great avenues for utilizing my prior experience. I am particularly interested in Trolola’s new Academic Focus program and its emphasis on experiential learning. While on campus, I met with a student who spoke highly of the Academic Focus program’s practical value, and of the attention she received from her faculty advisers. My visit to Trolola's campus left me with little doubt that Trolola Law School supports my professional goals.

Trolola Law School has established a fantastic culture of academic excellence and professional growth. If admitted, I would work to strengthen this culture. I would approach my studies with the same dedication with which I served the students of South Dumpington for the last four years. Your student body would benefit immensely from my perspective, and from the enthusiasm I would bring to academic discussions. I remain hopeful that you will invite me to join your team, and I eagerly await your response.


Best regards,



Richard Asstley


--ImageRemoved--


Hey, look! It's a Trolola alumnus! They taught you well I see.

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MarcusAurelius
Posts: 155
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:49 pm

Re: Please critique this

Postby MarcusAurelius » Thu May 03, 2012 4:03 pm

3v3ryth1ng wrote:
MarcusAurelius wrote:
3v3ryth1ng wrote:This is a LOCI (letter of continued interest). For some reason, these never get any easier to write. I worked really hard on this one, yet I'm still not feelin' it. What do you guys think? Would add/omit anything? Notice any egregious errors?

*Note* I changed all sensitive information. The school isn't really called "Trolola Law School."

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!


-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms. Derp,

Thank you again for taking the time to consider my application. I am writing to reaffirm my interest in attending Trolola Law School. After visiting the campus and speaking with students, I am certain that I would be a great fit for your school. Trolola Law School is my preferred choice among law schools, and if were I offered admission, I would absolutely accept.

First, I would like to update you on my professional endeavors. I have had an extremely busy year as English Department Chair of our young high school. Our school merged with another school, resulting in the largest student body, and largest English department, of any school in our organization. This also resulted in numerous challenges that did not exist in previous years. Nonetheless, I was a able to foster a constructive, positive culture within our department. Ultimately, I led our department through several collaborative projects, including the creation of our new SAT preparation program and a plan to align our courses with the upcoming national academic standards. Later this month, I will stage our fourth annual talent show, sponsor a field trip, and guide novice teachers in preparing students for state tests. This, of course, is in addition to my regular duties as an English teacher.

I have grown immensely as a professional this year, especially as a leader. Because I have worked to create a great school, I have a deeper understanding of what constitutes a great school, and this has shaped my perspective on the law school selection process.

One indispensable characteristic of a great school is a culture that supports learning. Immediately upon my arrival at Trolola Law School, I noticed such a culture. Instead of the “cutthroat” competition law school is infamous for, I sensed a healthy atmosphere of collegiality. The students I spoke with were unanimously positive about their Trolola experience, and many considered their professors to be mentors. Such faculty-student interaction was not present at other schools I have visited. I left with the impression that students feel safe expressing themselves, and that the faculty is genuinely invested in its students.

Great schools also offer students a range of options to meet their professional goals. Trolola indeed provides many options. Because I plan to practice in public interest, I am especially pleased with Trolola’s public interest law programs. Programs such as the Center for Martian Law and Policy or the Self Interest Law Society would provide great avenues for utilizing my prior experience. I am particularly interested in Trolola’s new Academic Focus program and its emphasis on experiential learning. While on campus, I met with a student who spoke highly of the Academic Focus program’s practical value, and of the attention she received from her faculty advisers. My visit to Trolola's campus left me with little doubt that Trolola Law School supports my professional goals.

Trolola Law School has established a fantastic culture of academic excellence and professional growth. If admitted, I would work to strengthen this culture. I would approach my studies with the same dedication with which I served the students of South Dumpington for the last four years. Your student body would benefit immensely from my perspective, and from the enthusiasm I would bring to academic discussions. I remain hopeful that you will invite me to join your team, and I eagerly await your response.


Best regards,



Richard Asstley


--ImageRemoved--


Hey, look! It's a Trolola alumnus! They taught you well I see.


Image

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
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Re: Please critique this

Postby kublaikahn » Fri May 04, 2012 3:33 pm

.
Last edited by kublaikahn on Thu May 10, 2012 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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3v3ryth1ng
Posts: 295
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:48 pm

Re: Please critique this

Postby 3v3ryth1ng » Mon May 07, 2012 8:08 am

Revised draft:

I am writing to reaffirm my interest in attending Trolola Law School. After visiting the campus and speaking with students, I am certain that I would be a great fit for your school. Trolola Law School is my preferred choice among law schools, and if were I offered admission, I would gladly accept.

During my visit, the students I spoke with were unanimously positive about their Trolola experience. Even in the midst of intense studying for finals, students interacted in a collegial manner, and the staff members were always eager to help them. In fact, many students said they considered their professors to be mentors. Such faculty-student interaction was not present at other schools I visited. I left with the impression that students feel safe expressing themselves, and that the faculty is genuinely invested in its students.

I was also pleased with Trolola’s many public interest law programs. My experience in urban education would be well-suited to programs such as the Comitte for Antisocial Law and Policy. I spoke with a student who is participating in this program, and she praised the substantive experience she gained from its Antisocial Justice Clinic. I am confident that such programs, with their emphases on experiential learning, would equip me for success in public interest after law school.

In the mean time, I have had an extremely busy year as English Department Chair of Epic Win High School. Our school recently merged with another school, resulting in the largest student body, and largest English department, of any school in our organization. While these circumstances created a challenging work environment, I fostered a positive, constructive relationship with my department members. As a result, I was able to lead our department through several collaborative projects, including the creation of our new SAT preparation program and a plan to align our courses with the upcoming national academic standards. Later this month I will stage our fourth annual talent show, sponsor a field trip, and guide novice teachers in preparing students for state tests. This is, of course, in addition to my regular duties as an English teacher.

Thank you for considering me as a candidate for admission to Trolola Law School. If admitted, I would approach my studies with the same enthusiasm with which I approached teaching for the last four years. I remain hopeful that you will invite me to join your team, and I eagerly await your response.




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