Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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DBtrey1
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Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby DBtrey1 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:32 pm

What makes a good lawyer? A Twenty-Two year old Harvard graduate with no life experience, or a Thirty-One year old military veteran who chose to defend his Country rather than attend college after high school? Maybe both, maybe neither one… I am most certainly not the Harvard graduate that everyone in my family hoped I would be.

Anyone who has ever served in any branch of the United States Military knows that it takes a certain type of person to stand up and volunteer to defend their county. This is an undertaking not many people are willing to endure. Military life is not everyone but joining the United States Marine Corps was the best decision I have ever made.

As children we all dream of growing up and becoming a doctor or a teacher or a fireman but becoming a Marine was possibly the furthest thing from my mind. I grew up without a father and had no guidance as a teenager. The only image I had of the military was what I had seen in the movies. During my senior year in high school I had no idea what I was going to do once I graduated. I didn’t want to go to college because I was tired of school and I didn’t want to stay at my job where I was making barely enough to cover the gas to get there.

To tell the truth I was scared shitless about my future was going to turn out. Then I got a phone call. The call was from an Air Force recruiter who wanted to convince me to join. Since I had nothing else to do I figured I would hear him out. I met with the recruiter at his office and he gave me a brief story spiel about what I could look forward to if I did join the Air Force. But when I left his office I wasn’t convinced. Not that anything was wrong with the Air Force, it just wasn’t for me.
Then another phone call came in. This time it was from a Marine Corps recruiter and he sounded excited to speak to me. We set up at meet time and he picked me up from school and took me to the recruiting station. At the station he didn’t show me any videos or pamphlets, all he did was tell me what the Marine Corps did and what they were all about. I was hooked. I wanted to be part of a group that I felt would not only make me a better person but challenge me, as well. And that is exactly what I got.

Boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would PT 5 times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it. I expect law school to be same.


There isn’t anything law school can throw at me that I haven’t already been prepared for. My first of three tours of duty into a war zone came shortly after September 11, 2001. When we were told that we were going to be deployed into the most hostile region, my heart dropped. I knew what I was getting myself into when I joined the Marine Corps but when they said we were headed over it all kicked in. I don’t want to say that I was scared but I was definitely nervous.

Once deployed into an active war zone, scared shitless would be putting it lightly but on the outside you would never know. I did my job to the best of my ability and the only reason I was able to do that was because I didn’t let fear get in my way. If I had let that happen I would have endangered mu life as we al the lives of the men I served with.

When you are faced with no choices you are amazed by that you can accomplish. Fear is a powerful motivator but the courage to overcome that fear is what separates the men from the boys. I love the Marine Corps and would give my life for it in a heartbeat. Not too many people can say that and I am proud to be a member of such a prestigious club. But I never would have had this title if I let fear hold me back and get in my way.

We are all afraid of something but how we react to that fear is what is going to make the difference in how your life turns out. Face your fears head on and make them back down. Not the other way around. As a criminal prosecutor, I plan to use everything I’ve learned from my 5 years as a Marine, 6 years as a police officer, 4 years of undergraduate course work, 3 years of law school, 7 years as a husband and 5 years as a father to become the best lawyer I can be. It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.

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Paraflam
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby Paraflam » Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:57 pm

DBtrey1 wrote:What makes a good lawyer? A Twenty-Two year old Harvard graduate with no life experience, or a Thirty-One year old military veteran who chose to defend his Country rather than attend college after high school? Maybe both, maybe neither one… I am most certainly not the Harvard graduate that everyone in my family hoped I would be.

Anyone who has ever served in any branch of the United States Military knows that it takes a certain type of person to stand up and volunteer to defend their county. This is an undertaking that not many people are willing to endure. Military life is not for everyone but joining the United States Marine Corps was the best decision I have ever made.

As children we allmight dream of growing up and becoming a doctor or a teacher or a fireman, but becoming a Marine was possibly the furthest thing from my mind Huh?. I grew up without a father and had no guidance as a teenager. The only image I had of the military was what I had seen in the movies. During my senior year inof high school I had no idea what I was going to do once I graduated. I didn’t want to go to college because I was tired of school and I didn’t want to stay at my job where I was making barely enough to cover the gas to get there.

To tell the truth I was scared shitless about my future was going to turn out. Then I got a phone call. The call was from an Air Force recruiter who wanted to convince me to join. Since I had nothing else to do I figured I would hear him out. I met with the recruiter at his office and he gave me a brief story spiel about what I could look forward to if I did join the Air Force. But when I left his office I wasn’t convinced. Not that anything was wrong with the Air Force, it just wasn’t for me.
Then another phone call came in. This time it was from a Marine Corps recruiter and he sounded excited to speak to me. We set up at meet time and he picked me up from school and took me to the recruiting station. At the station he didn’t show me any videos or pamphlets, all he did was tell me what the Marine Corps did and what they were all about. I was hooked. I wanted to be part of a group that I felt would not only make me a better person but challenge me, as well. And that is exactly what I got.


Boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would PTWhat? 5 times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it.I expect law school to be same.


There isn’t anything law school can throw at me that I haven’t already been prepared for.Adcoms will roll their eyes at this My first of three tours of duty into a war zone came shortly after September 11, 2001. When we were told that we were going to be deployed into the most hostile region, my heart dropped. I knew what I was getting myself into when I joined the Marine Corps but when they said we were headed over it all kicked in. I don’t want to say that I was scared but I was definitely nervous.

Once deployed into an active war zone, scared shitless would be putting it lightly but on the outside you would never know. I did my job to the best of my ability and the only reason I was able to do that was because I didn’t let fear get in my way. If I had let that happen I would have endangered my life as we al well asthe lives of the men I served with.

When you are faced with no choices you are amazed by that you can accomplish. Fear is a powerful motivator but the courage to overcome that fear is what separates the men from the boysUse a different phrase. I love the Marine Corps and would give my life for it in a heartbeat. Not too many people can say that and I am proud to be a member of such a prestigious club. But I never would have had this title if I let fear hold me back and get in my way.

We are all afraid of something but how we react to that fear is what is going to make the difference in how your life turns out. Face your fears head on and make them back down, n. Not the other way around. As a criminal prosecutor, I plan to use everything I’ve learned from my 5 years as a Marine, 6 years as a police officer, 4 years of undergraduate course work, 3 years of law school, 7 years as a husband and 5 years as a father to become the best lawyer I can be. It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.
Last edited by Paraflam on Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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catwomangirl
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby catwomangirl » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:00 pm

I second those edits.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:01 pm

DBtrey1 wrote:What makes a good lawyer? A Twenty-Two year old Harvard graduate with no life experience, or a Thirty-One year old military veteran who chose to defend his Country rather than attend college after high school? Maybe both, maybe neither one… I am most certainly not the Harvard graduate that everyone in my family hoped I would be.
Scrap this intro entirely. You don't know what makes a good lawyer, because you aren't one yet. You're dissing a group that may make up a large portion of your class, and may have included the people on the admissions committee back in the day. You've capitalized random words (Twenty-Two, Thirty-One, Country). A better intro would be a vivid description of an actual event during your times in the Marines, drawing the reader into your story and making them want to read more.

DBtrey1 wrote:Anyone who has ever served in any branch of the United States Military knows that it takes a certain type of person to stand up and volunteer to defend their county.
Avoid sweeping generalizations. No, not everyone who has served in the military would agree with this, and not everyone in the military is a super, standup dude.

DBtrey1 wrote:This is an undertaking not many people are willing to endure. Military life is not FOR everyone but joining the United States Marine Corps was the best decision I have ever made.

As children we all dream of growing up and becoming a doctor or a teacher or a fireman but becoming a Marine was possibly the furthest thing from my mind.
You used 'but' as the conjunction, but how does the second part of the sentence contradict the first? To me, they are not imcompatible thoughts.

DBtrey1 wrote:I grew up without a father and had no guidance as a teenager. The only image I had of the military was what I had seen in the movies. During my senior year in high school I had no idea what I was going to do once I graduated. I didn’t want to go to college because I was tired of school and I didn’t want to stay at my job where I was making barely enough to cover the gas to get there.

To tell the truth I was scared shitless about HOW my future was going to turn out.
Don't swear; it's too risky in this type of formal essay.

DBtrey1 wrote:Then I got a phone call. The call was from an Air Force recruiter who wanted to convince me to join. Since I had nothing else to do I figured I would hear him out. I met with the recruiter at his office and he gave me a brief story spiel
You don't need to say 'story spiel.' One or the other is fine.

DBtrey1 wrote:about what I could look forward to if I did join the Air Force.

But when I left his office I wasn’t convinced. Not that anything was wrong with the Air Force, it just wasn’t for me.
Two more sentence fragments.

DBtrey1 wrote:Then another phone call came in. This time it was from a Marine Corps recruiter and he sounded excited to speak to me. We set up A meet time and he picked me up from school and took me to the recruiting station. At the station he didn’t show me any videos or pamphlets, all he did was tell me what the Marine Corps did and what they were all about. I was hooked. I wanted to be part of a group that I felt would not only make me a better person but challenge me, as well. And that is exactly what I got.
I think some more elaboration on what caught your attention in the recruiter's words would be useful here. Otherwise it sounds like a dumb kid getting swept up without putting any real thought into a very serious decision. If he really convinced you with logical and detailed arguments, you need to make the reader believe that.

DBtrey1 wrote:Boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would PT [what is PT? The layperson may not know] 5 [spell it out, FIVE] times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Sudden shift from past tense to present. You aren't in boot camp anymore.

DBtrey1 wrote: I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it. I expect law school to be same.
You use 'I' 12 times in this short paragraph, which is somewhat grating, and are telling the reader instead of showing them about your experience.


DBtrey1 wrote:There isn’t anything law school can throw at me that I haven’t already been prepared for. My first of three tours of duty into a war zone came shortly after September 11, 2001. When we were told that we were going to be deployed into the most hostile region, my heart dropped. I knew what I was getting myself into when I joined the Marine Corps but when they said we were headed over it all kicked in.
You knew, but it hadn't kicked in until then? Find a way to phrase this that doesn't contradict yourself.

DBtrey1 wrote:I don’t want to say that I was scared but I was definitely nervous.
Admit you were scared. No one will believe that a sane person wasn't scared. 'Nervous' is a wishy-washy word for the dentist's office, not a war zone.

DBtrey1 wrote:Once deployed into an active war zone, scared shitless would be putting it lightly but on the outside you would never know. I did my job to the best of my ability and the only reason I was able to do that was because I didn’t let fear get in my way. If I had let that happen I would have endangered mu life as we al the lives of the men I served with.
A huge example of telling, not showing. The reader needs details or your story is ineffective. Also, don't swear.

DBtrey1 wrote:When you are faced with no choices you are amazed by that you can accomplish. Fear is a powerful motivator but the courage to overcome that fear is what separates the men from the boys.
More telling. SHOW something!!! There are no specific details at ALL in your essay. Talk about the dust, the heat, the noise of air strikes, the smell of burning tires and oil, the tension inside a Humvee driving through an area where insurgents had been seen, playing football at the base, buying candy bars at the PX, the difficulties of communicating with locals, losing a buddy, etc. (I have never served and I just painted a more vivid picture of war than your entire essay. That should not be possible, because I don't actually know wtf I'm talking about. Your details should blow mine out of the water.)

DBtrey1 wrote:I love the Marine Corps and would give my life for it in a heartbeat. Not too many people can say that and I am proud to be a member of such a prestigious club. But I never would have had this title if I let fear hold me back and get in my way.
You keep talking about fear but give no examples of times you overcame your fear to accomplish something.

DBtrey1 wrote:We are all afraid of something but how we react to that fear is what is going to make the difference in how your life turns out. Face your fears head on and make them back down.
Okay, did you? Tell a story about it.

DBtrey1 wrote:Not the other way around.
Sentence fragment.

DBtrey1 wrote:As a criminal prosecutor, I plan to use everything I’ve learned from my 5 years as a Marine, 6 years as a police officer, 4 years of undergraduate course work, 3 years of law school, 7 years as a husband and 5 years as a father to become the best lawyer I can be.
Spell out numbers less than 10.

DBtrey1 wrote:It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.

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Paraflam
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby Paraflam » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:21 pm

I agree with rinkrat about showing rather than telling.

Right now, it just reads as your run of the mill "Didn't have any guidance in life, joined the military, now I'm ready for the next challenge" personal statement that are a dime a dozen. I'm not discrediting anything you did in the Marines, I'm just saying that you're going to have to differentiate yourself from that stereotype.

Ok, so you were in the Marines, now you're ready to use the toughness and experience you gained from that for your next challenge in life. Why LAW, though? Why not something else? This statement doesn't convince me that you're dedicated to succeeding as a lawyer. You make the jump from, "face your fears" to "as a criminal prosecutor..." with no transition or explanation as to why you chose that specific area of law.

DBtrey1
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby DBtrey1 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:45 pm

Much appreciated. I will begin with the corrections tonight. Thank you for the insight and advice, I will take all I can get. I was hesitant to go into detail my experience in war as I didn't want to glorify the situation.

Would I be better off if I went into detail on how I felt the Marine Corps prepared me for law school?


When you think of the military and specifically the Marines, you may have a very different vision than a successful lawyer. You may have a perception of a mindless killing machine; a pit bull that’s purposefully mistreated, underfed so it will maintain its anger and will to harm and, occasionally let out for the purpose of fighting. I cannot disagree more. The Marines (and all military branches) are highly trained professionals. Each branch teaches real teamwork, leadership and mission accomplishment where the work day rarely ends at 6pm. In the Marine Corps, from day one we are taught to not only follow orders, but to also take initiative; quickly assess a situation and take action in the absence of clear direction. It is much better to take an incorrect action than to do nothing. I remember being told that a plan executed poorly today is better than a plan executed perfectly tomorrow. The reasoning is that circumstances will be different tomorrow from what the current Intel is. You will learn from that mistake and grow to make wiser decisions. This has been a challenge for me in some companies as they want to keep you in a nice tidy little box and set obstacles to prevent the employee from showing initiative or stepping outside of that little confining box known as a job description or title.

I am not talking about insubordination. I am talking about having the freedom to make decisions and take action that will benefit the state and its citizens when the situation falls outside of normal events or when a direct supervisor isn’t available. All valuable qualities a successful lawyer should posses.

bmore
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby bmore » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:52 pm

Random comment on first para: I really don't like the writing. I hated the first 2 sentences. Please don't tell people what they may think. Also the hyperbole is not a good idea. "I cannot disagree more"? Just hated the first para and didn't go any further. I am not so sure why you want to beat the reader over the head with how you were taught that a wrong decision today is better than a correct decision tomorrow (which I disagree with, btw).
JMHO

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catwomangirl
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby catwomangirl » Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:58 pm

DBtrey1 wrote:Much appreciated. I will begin with the corrections tonight. Thank you for the insight and advice, I will take all I can get. I was hesitant to go into detail my experience in war as I didn't want to glorify the situation.

Would I be better off if I went into detail on how I felt the Marine Corps prepared me for law school?


When you think of the military and specifically the Marines, you may have a very different vision than a successful lawyer. You may have a perception of a mindless killing machine; a pit bull that’s purposefully mistreated, underfed so it will maintain its anger and will to harm and, occasionally let out for the purpose of fighting. I cannot disagree more. The Marines (and all military branches) are highly trained professionals. Each branch teaches real teamwork, leadership and mission accomplishment where the work day rarely ends at 6pm. In the Marine Corps, from day one we are taught to not only follow orders, but to also take initiative; quickly assess a situation and take action in the absence of clear direction. It is much better to take an incorrect action than to do nothing. I remember being told that a plan executed poorly today is better than a plan executed perfectly tomorrow. The reasoning is that circumstances will be different tomorrow from what the current Intel is. You will learn from that mistake and grow to make wiser decisions. This has been a challenge for me in some companies as they want to keep you in a nice tidy little box and set obstacles to prevent the employee from showing initiative or stepping outside of that little confining box known as a job description or title.

I am not talking about insubordination. I am talking about having the freedom to make decisions and take action that will benefit the state and its citizens when the situation falls outside of normal events or when a direct supervisor isn’t available. All valuable qualities a successful lawyer should posses.


A lot of the advice others have given would apply.

You speak a lot about what people think and telling how the Marines changed you in XYZ way.

Tell a story. "That morning, I was doing XYZ. The weather was XYZ. Then XYZ situation happened" (talk about a time you faced a dilemma and resolved it or something, or a concrete moment when you had some kind of epiphany).

DBtrey1
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby DBtrey1 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:12 pm

Thanks again I will improve. =)

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Paraflam
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby Paraflam » Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:50 pm

Agreed, try to make the reader feel something when they read your essay. Don't tell them what happened, put them in your shoes.

Also, if written correctly, I think you could run with the idea of the Marine Corps teaching you to quickly assess a situation and make appropriate and effective decisions given the circumstances. Maybe tell a vivid story about a time where you were required to do this and you succeeded.

Lose the stuff about you having trouble being "confined in a tidy little box" with companies you've worked for. This might suggest that you'd potentially be a problematic employee of a law firm or something like that. Also, like others have said, don't tell us what we think or may think about a certain thing.

BTW, thank you for your service.

DBtrey1
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby DBtrey1 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:11 pm

I went through a couple re-writes and changed the tone and direction a bit. Let me know if this has a better flow to it, as I tried to explain my reasoning for law school. Thanks again!


Do I know what makes a good candidate for law school or even a good lawyer? No I don’t, nor do I pretend to know. What I do know is this. I am 31 year old military veteran, who has been a police officer for the past six years who wants to graduate law school and work for the District Attorneys’ office. I did not graduate Summa Cum Laude from an Ivy League college nor did I score a 180 on my LAST. Does this mean I am not qualified for law school? I am a perfect candidate for law school and this is why.

Marine Corps boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would exercise 6 times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it.

When you think of the military and specifically the Marines, you may have a very different vision than a successful lawyer. You may have a perception of a mindless killing machine; a pit bull that’s purposefully mistreated, underfed so it will maintain its anger and will to harm and, occasionally let out for the purpose of fighting. I cannot disagree more. The Marines (and all military branches) are highly trained professionals. Each branch teaches real teamwork, leadership and mission accomplishment where the work day rarely ends at 6pm. In the Marine Corps, from day one we are taught to not only follow orders, but to also take initiative; quickly assess a situation and take action in the absence of clear direction.

Teamwork, leadership, confidence and integrity are qualities that all lawyers should exhibit. This is how I know I am a good candidate for law school, because the Marine Corps instilled the qualities needed. What is the motivation for a Marine Corps veteran to apply for law school? There is none because I do not wish to pursue a career as a JAQ Officer. My motivation for law came on Monday December 27, 2010, when Gregory Favors shot and killed Georgia State Patrol Trooper Chad LeCroy. Favors, at the time, had a criminal record that dated back 11 years. He was free on bond on several felony charges on the night of the shooting, and authorities say he had skipped a court appearance earlier that day. Trooper LeCroy and I were friends and worked side by side on many nights patrolling the streets of Atlanta and protecting its citizens.

As a Marine in a combat zone, I saw a lot of death and destruction. That was different though, as it was almost expected. It’s a feeling that I cannot put into words. As a police officer, it is more of a reality because you see the senseless of it each day. When I learned of the death of my friend and how it happened, I was outraged. To see the destruction it caused on his family and his two sons destroyed a part of me on the inside.

To understand how a criminal can continue to manipulate our criminal justice system and constantly avoid punishment is something I will never learn. Not from a book, a classroom or with life experience. How a person can be released back into society and allowed to wreak havoc on people’s lives is beyond my level of comprehension.

I have many goals in life; after law school I will work for the District Attorney’s office where I will use my knowledge of criminal justice and experience as a police officer to protect society. I will become a District Attorney one day and will continue to be tough on crime and I will use that success to propel my political career as Mayor. These may seem farfetched to many but not to me.

I do not expect law school to be easy, I expect it to be challenging yet rewarding. It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.

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Paraflam
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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby Paraflam » Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:17 pm

DBtrey1 wrote:Do I know what makes a good candidate for law school or even a good lawyer? No I don’t

DBtrey1 wrote:I am a perfect candidate for law school and this is why.

DBtrey1 wrote:Teamwork, leadership, confidence and integrity are qualities that all lawyers should exhibit.

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Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:39 pm

DBtrey1 wrote:Do I know what makes a good candidate for law school or even a good lawyer? No I don’t, nor do I pretend to know. What I do know is this. I am 31 year old military veteran, who has been a police officer for the past six years who wants to graduate law school and work for the District Attorneys’ office. I did not graduate Summa Cum Laude from an Ivy League college nor did I score a 180 on my LAST. Does this mean I am not qualified for law school? I am a perfect candidate for law school and this is why.
I still hate this intro. It's just you navel-gazing. And don't point out negatives about yourself; they can see you didn't graduate with honors from an Ivy. No need to harp on that fact like you're bitter about it.

DBtrey1 wrote:Marine Corps boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would exercise 6 times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Still abruptly changing tenses.

DBtrey1 wrote:I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it.
I, I, I, I, I. Boot camp was hard, you say? How insightful.

DBtrey1 wrote:When you think of the military and specifically the Marines, you may have a very different vision than a successful lawyer.
"I may have a different vision than a lawyer" means that the lawyer and I are envisioning different things. I think you are trying to compare my visions of a Marine and of a lawyer, but that's not what this says.

DBtrey1 wrote:You may have a perception of a mindless killing machine; a pit bull that’s purposefully mistreated, underfed so it will maintain its anger and will to harm and, occasionally let out for the purpose of fighting. I cannot disagree more.
Except from a psychological viewpoint, there IS some of this in military training, whether you want to admit it or not. It may not be the only factor at work, but it is certainly present in many ways. Otherwise things like SERE training and screaming drill instructors wouldn't be effective.

DBtrey1 wrote:The Marines (and all military branches) are highly trained professionals. Each branch teaches real teamwork, leadership and mission accomplishment where the work day rarely ends at 6pm. In the Marine Corps, from day one we are taught to not only follow orders, but to also take initiative; quickly assess a situation and take action in the absence of clear direction.
This is ok.

DBtrey1 wrote:Teamwork, leadership, confidence and integrity are qualities that all lawyers should exhibit. This is how I know I am a good candidate for law school, because the Marine Corps instilled the qualities needed.
You can't just check off a bunch of required qualities and say you have them; you need to show the reader that you do.

DBtrey1 wrote:What is the motivation for a Marine Corps veteran to apply for law school? There is none because I do not wish to pursue a career as a JAQ Officer. My motivation for law came on Monday December 27, 2010, when Gregory Favors shot and killed Georgia State Patrol Trooper Chad LeCroy. Favors, at the time, had a criminal record that dated back 11 years. He was free on bond on several felony charges on the night of the shooting, and authorities say he had skipped a court appearance earlier that day. Trooper LeCroy and I were friends and worked side by side on many nights patrolling the streets of Atlanta and protecting its citizens.
Using the shooter's name is probably not the best idea.

DBtrey1 wrote:As a Marine in a combat zone, I saw a lot of death and destruction. That was different though, as it was almost expected. It’s a feeling that I cannot put into words. As a police officer, it is more of a reality because you see the senseless of it each day. When I learned of the death of my friend and how it happened, I was outraged. To see the destruction it caused on his family and his two sons destroyed a part of me on the inside.

To understand how a criminal can continue to manipulate our criminal justice system and constantly avoid punishment is something I will never learn. Not from a book, a classroom or with life experience. How a person can be released back into society and allowed to wreak havoc on people’s lives is beyond my level of comprehension.
I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose a friend in a shooting, but this whole section just smacks of bitterness and a desire for revenge, and brings into question your understanding of criminal law. The guy got off entirely? WHY? How did the justice system fail? Was the prosecutor incompetent? Was there not enough evidence to convict (in that case, you probably don't want to bitch about it. Innocent until PROVEN guilty, after all)? Did he plea bargain (in which case, maybe someone worse than this guy ended up in jail)? You can't go into your career swearing to throw all criminals in jail forever and ever no matter what, because that's not how being a DA works. You might have to plea bargain, or you might have to decline to prosecute a weak case, because that's how our justice system works. You don't want to announce that you plan on being inflexible. Prosecution is not black and white.

DBtrey1 wrote:I have many goals in life; after law school I will work for the District Attorney’s office where I will use my knowledge of criminal justice and experience as a police officer to protect society. I will become a District Attorney one day and will continue to be tough on crime and I will use that success to propel my political career as Mayor. These may seem farfetched to many but not to me.
No. Say that you hope to become a DA and may even pursue some sort of political career. Do not announce these things as foregone conclusions. It sounds ridiculous.

DBtrey1 wrote:I do not expect law school to be easy, I expect it to be challenging yet rewarding. It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.


Overall: Honestly, I liked the one about being a soldier better. This one kind of scares me. With the way you come across in it, I wouldn't want you as a DA in my city.

DBtrey1
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:27 pm

Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby DBtrey1 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:57 pm

Thanks. Back to ol' drawing board... =)

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Paraflam
Posts: 472
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:09 pm

Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby Paraflam » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:17 pm

Try this. Answer this prompt with a vivid recollection about an experience you had in the Marine Corps, we'll help you with refining it, and then build your PS around the theme of it:

You said that being in the Marines taught you how to quickly assess a situation, evaluate your options, and then make an effective decision based on the circumstances. Tell us about a time that you did this.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Rough draft - Give me The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:18 pm

Paraflam wrote:Try this. Answer this prompt with a vivid recollection about an experience you had in the Marine Corps, we'll help you with refining it, and then build your PS around the theme of it:

You said that being in the Marines taught you how to quickly assess a situation, evaluate your options, and then make an effective decision based on the circumstances. Tell us about a time that you did this.
This is a good approach.

Tell us a really good story. Then we can help you work the 'why I'd be good at law school' and/or 'why I want to go to law school' into it.




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