First draft--would love some constructive criticism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Map Cat
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:20 am

First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby Map Cat » Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:31 pm

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Last edited by Map Cat on Wed May 16, 2012 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby icecold3000 » Mon Apr 23, 2012 11:00 pm

A few thoughts . . .

1. If environmental law doesn't work out, you could always fall back on international law. (just kidding)

2. Be more specific about how you "enjoyed applying what I was learning to the real world and often spent hours hiking and looking for snakes and lizards to identify." You brush over how you developed your "passion and vigor" for biology, thus coming off as insincere. Maybe you have a short anecdote?

3. Under no circumstances should you switch your theme and topic in the middle of your PS. If you are going to write about how you want to do environmental law, there is no need for you to insert a random OO story. As done here, if seems like you are trying to guilt the adcomm into admitting you. Scrap the obstacle and focus on environmental law.

4. The final paragraph seems token and out of place. It does not fit in with either the OO or the environmental law parts.

good luck. You have like 6 months before next cycle.

swoozie
Posts: 159
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 2:20 pm

Re: First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby swoozie » Mon Apr 23, 2012 11:09 pm

The jump between the third and fourth paragraphs is a bit jarring to me. If you want to mention your childhood, I think it would be better at the beginning.

Overall, it feels like there is a bit too much background and not enough of what you are trying to show. For example, "I set out to learn everything I could about what a legal education could do for me and conversely, what I can contribute to the field of law." I can't find a clear answer to this. It's kinda twisted in there and I can guess at what the answer might be, but you don't want that sort of vagueness in your personal statement.

I think your statement would be stronger if you could focus in more on something more specific and really elaborate it to illustrate yourself. To be blunt, I find it kind of bland and very generic. If you can personalize it more, your story becomes stronger.

Also, I only clicked on your topic because of your username. :P

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Map Cat
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:20 am

Re: First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby Map Cat » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:48 am

Thanks! Yeah I scrapped the OO paragraph, too whiny and not my style. Decided to focus more on how I've studied the quantitative side of natural resource management/ env. conservation and how now I'm interested in the qualitative (legal) side to actually make the changes that my undergrad taught me are needed.

The schools I'm applying to say the PS should basically be a "why should we choose you? what do you have to offer?" essay. Still working out how to word it so it doesn't sound like a cliche job interview.

Ha, I chose the name because I also have a certificate in GIS. Thanks.

wiglaf1228
Posts: 72
Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2011 3:05 am

Re: First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby wiglaf1228 » Fri May 04, 2012 8:08 am

I walked into my introductory biology professor’s office with a question. Three hours later I left his office and walked across the hall to the department secretary, changed my major to biology, and never looked back. He had offered to show me his laboratory and had spent the majority of the afternoon showing me his research


Excuse me are you writing a porno novel or a personal statement?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First draft--would love some constructive criticism

Postby kublaikahn » Fri May 04, 2012 2:16 pm

You need a thesis. This is all over the place.

The final paragraph should reflect your message not introduce a new topic.

Don't say stuff like this. "I devoured the course material with passion and vigor." Use plain English.




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