Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:39 am

I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her that suffer the high cost of conflict.

Her story forced me to reflect on my own upbringing, being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Witnessing the horrors of children held for ransom or subjected to all manners of abuses, these were the realities for many years of my life. Violence became ultimately normalized and I went on without a single thought that things could be different and better. This was in the fore front of my mind when I met Salee, I knew from then on that passivity wasn’t an option at I would ever be comfortable with.

I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. of Richland County. I worked with children dealing with abuse and neglect. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna who suffered from an emotional and mental disability. In addition to her disability she had parents dealing with addiction to crack cocaine; I was determined to be Brianna’s voice, speaking on her behalf.

The weight of responsibility hit me immediately, the fear I felt was palatable. Visiting her home for the first time, my knees wobbled, my heart beat deafen me. Speaking to her deflated my fear, because I had to soothe her fear; I knew that I could have an impact on Brianna’s life for the better. The work involved working closely with social workers and finding the little victories in Brianna getting on the basketball team at her school and her father completing his rehab. Being in the courtroom representing her needs pushed to be more direct and assertive to ensure that the end result benefitted Brianna.

The fulfillment I got as an advocate came from a combination of the emotional attachment I felt for Brianna and the belief that I had that I wasn’t just representing Brianna but all the children in Nigeria who didn’t have a voice and were disregarded. I also appreciated the precise nature of the law when it came to dealing with individuals who endangered children’s lives and those lawyers, social workers, and judges fighting on their behalf.

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond advocacy. I understand the value of acting on their behalf; it is about seeing below the surface and understanding the value of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to become better skilled at representing the needs of children.

The University Of South Carolina School Of Law provides a great combination of legal study and community service; two key features that attract me to the university. During my undergraduate years, I enjoyed the feeling I had from being part of the greater Gamecock community. The great relationship that the law school has with C.A.S.A. of Richland County has being a big selling point for me; I hope to work with Children’s Law Center as a student.
I also have had the pleasure of visiting Professor Martin C. McWilliams, Jr. sitting in on his Contracts I lecture; I felt welcomed by the students who spoke about their experiences and how much they loved the environment. I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on policies and the enforcement of those policies. I believe the University Of South Carolina School Of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.

User avatar
ix88
Posts: 68
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:24 pm

Re: Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby ix88 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:55 pm

This is relatively good. It is easy and interesting to read. It flows well. It's relatively focused.

It gives me a sense of who you are, what you can offer to a school and the legal community.

I also like how the PS opens about someone else, but then also ties you into it. This PS is about you, but you are about helping and considering others.

I don't have any constructive criticisms, although I usually do.

Just 1 thing: you used "palatable" - I'm pretty sure the right word to use is "palpable." :)

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby JasonR » Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:23 am

Still in need of work, but this PS is much improved over one of the early drafts that I read. Here are some corrections and suggestions:

ugobabe86 wrote:I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her that suffer the high cost of conflict.

Her story forced me to reflect on my own upbringing[period]. Being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Witnessing the horrors of children held for ransom or subjected to all manners of abuses, these were the realities for many years of my life. Violence ultimately became [change word order] normalized[comma], and I went on without a single thought that things could be different and better. This was in the forefront of my mind when I met Salee[period or semicolon]. I knew from then on that passivity was not [avoid contractions] an option that I would ever be comfortable with. [Awkward sentence. Alternative construction: "I knew that from then on I could no longer be comfortable with passivity."]

I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. of Richland County. I worked with children dealing with abuse and neglect. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna[comma], who suffered from an emotional and mental disability. In addition to her disability[comma], she had parents dealing with addiction to crack cocaine[period preferable]. I was determined to be Brianna’s voice, speaking on her behalf.

The weight of responsibility hit me immediately[comma splice; use either period or semicolon]; the fear I felt was palpable. Visiting her home for the first time, my knees wobbled, my heart beat deafen me[maybe: "and my heart raced"]. Speaking to her deflated my fear, because I had to soothe her fear; I knew that I could have an impact on Brianna’s life for the better. The work involved working closely with social workers and finding the little victories in Brianna getting on the basketball team at her school and her father completing his rehab.[awkward sentence: "work" appears three times in the first eight words; disconnected thoughts; break up into two sentences] Being in the courtroom representing her needs pushed me to be more direct and assertive to ensure that the end result benefited [one "t" strongly preferred] Brianna.

The fulfillment I got [maybe: "felt"] as an advocate came from a combination of the emotional attachment I felt for Brianna and the belief that I had that I was not just representing Brianna [this next part is a stretch] but all the children in Nigeria who didn’t have a voice and were disregarded. I also appreciated the precise nature of the law when it came to dealing with individuals who endangered children’s lives and those the commitment of the lawyers, social workers, and judges fighting on their behalf.

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond advocacy. I understand the value of acting on their behalf; it is about seeing below the surface and understanding the value of the child. [preceding two sentences are somewhat unclear/in need of rewording] This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to become better skilled at representing the needs of children.

The University of South Carolina School of Law provides a great an excellent combination of legal study and community service[semicolon not appropriate; use comma or dash] -- two key features that attract me to the university [maybe get rid of this clause altogether; perhaps just "...provides a very appealing combination of legal study and community service"]. During my undergraduate years, I enjoyed the feeling I had from being part of the greater Gamecock community. The great close relationship that the law school has with C.A.S.A. of Richland County has being a big selling point for me [don't like the way this last part sounds at all; reads too much as though you're doing the selecting rather than the applying, which is obviously not how you want to sound in an application][period]. I hope to work with the Children’s Law Center as a student.

I also have had the pleasure of visiting Professor Martin C. McWilliams, Jr. and sitting in on his Contracts I lecture[period]. I felt welcomed by the students, many of whom who spoke about their experiences and how much they loved the environment. [not too crazy about the preceding two sentences] I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on policies and the enforcement of those policies [more precision needed]. I believe the University of South Carolina School of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.

User avatar
ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby ugobabe86 » Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:35 pm

Thank you both :D . I took your suggestions and here it is:

I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her that suffer the high cost of conflict.
Her story forced me to reflect on my own upbringing. Being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic, and tribal divisions. Witnessing the horrors of children held for ransom or subjected to all manners of abuses, these were the realities for many years of my life. Violence became ultimately normalized, and I went on without a single thought that things could be different and better. This was in the forefront of my mind when I met Salee’ I knew from then on I could no longer be comfortable with passivity.
I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. of Richland County. I worked with children dealing with abuses and neglect. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna, who suffered from an emotional and mental disability. In addition to her disability, she had parents dealing with addiction to crack cocaine. I was determined to be Brianna’s voice, speaking on her behalf.
The weight of responsibility hit me immediately, the fear I felt was palpable. Visiting her home for the first time, my knees wobbled and my heart raced. Speaking to her deflated my fear, because I had to soothe her fear; I knew I could have an impact on Brianna’s life for the better. The work involved finding the little victories in Brianna getting on the basketball team at her school and her father completing his rehab. Being in the courtroom representing her needs pushed me to be more direct and assertive to ensure that the end result benefited Brianna.
The fulfillment I felt as an advocate came from a combination of the emotional attachment and the belief that I was not just representing Brianna but the friends in Nigeria who didn’t have a voice and were disregarded. I also appreciated the precise nature of the law when it came to dealing with individuals who endangered the lives of children and the commitment of the lawyers, social workers and judges fighting for that voice.
I have gained an understanding about the value of advocacy, going below the surface to get to the heart of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to become better skilled at representing the needs of children like Brianna.
The University of South Carolina School of Law provides a very appealing combination of legal study and community service. During my undergraduate years, I enjoyed the feeling I had from being part of the greater Gamecock community. The close relationship that the law school has with C.A.S.A. of Richland County has encouraged me to apply to the law school. I hope to work with the Children’s Law Center as a student.

Visiting Professor Martin C. McWilliams, Jr. and sitting in on his Contracts I lecture. I felt welcomed by the students, many of whom spoke about their experiences and how much they loved the environment. I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on policies and the enforcement of those policies going back to Nigeria to work with grassroots organizations that have grown in response to the plight of children suffering at the hands of family and strangers. I believe the University of South Carolina School of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby CorkBoard » Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:50 pm

Edits in bold

ugobabe86 wrote:I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. weird opening sentence, it seems awkward here. Also I have no clue what the fast-a-thon is. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me this whole sentence is irrelevant description. Cut it., I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her that suffer the high cost of conflict.

Her story forced me to reflect on my own upbringing. End sentence. Being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Witnessing the horrors of children held for ransom or subjected to all manners of abuses these were the realities for many years of my life. Violence became ultimately you may want to change the order of these words depending on what youre tryig to say, "ultimately became" might be what you're going for. I don't know. normalized and I went on without a single thought that things could be different and better. This was in the fore front forefront is one word of my mind when I met Salee, end sentence.I knew from then on that passivity wasn’t an option at I would ever be comfortable with.

I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. what does this stand for? It could mean anything. Initials like this can be introduced after the full name is given of Richland County. I worked with children dealing with abuse and neglect. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna who suffered from an emotional and mental disability. In addition to her disability she had parents dealing with addiction to crack cocaine; stylistically I do not like the semicolon, use an em dash or start a new sentence. Break your sentences up.I was determined to be Brianna’s voice, speaking on her behalf.

The weight of responsibility hit me immediately new sentence. These are impactful and need to be short and to the point. , the fear I felt was palatable. Visiting her home for the first time, my knees wobbled, new sentence. my heart beat deafened me. Speaking to her deflated my fear, because I had to soothe her fear; I knew that I could have an impact on Brianna’s life for the better. The work involved working closely with social workers and finding the little victories in Brianna getting on the basketball team at her school and her father completing his rehab. Being in the courtroom representing her needs pushed to be more direct and assertive to ensure that the end result benefitted Brianna.

The fulfillment I got as an advocate came from a combination of the emotional attachment I felt for Brianna and the belief that I had that I wasn’t just representing Brianna but all the children in Nigeria who didn’t have a voice and were disregarded. I also appreciated the precise nature of the law when it came to dealing with individuals who endangered children’s lives and those lawyers, social workers, and judges fighting on their behalf.

Through this, I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond advocacy. I understand the value of acting on their behalf;new sentence. it is about seeing below the surface and understanding the value of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to become better skilled at representing the needs of children.

The University Of South Carolina School Of Law provides a great combination of legal study and community service; two key features that attract me to the university. During my undergraduate years, I enjoyed the feeling I had from being part of the greater Gamecock community. The great relationship that the law school has with C.A.S.A. of Richland County has being a big selling point for me; I hope to work with Children’s Law Center as a student.
I also have had the pleasure of visiting Professor Martin C. McWilliams, Jr. sitting in on his Contracts I lecture; I felt welcomed by the students who spoke about their experiences and how much they loved the environment. I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on policies and the enforcement of those policies. I believe the University Of South Carolina School Of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.
holy paragraph, please give me a line break at some point.



Overall, I like it. You have a good message and it doesn't seem too off topic but your style can be tweaked. You are writing in long drawn out sentences. That's fine for a while but it needs to be broken up by smaller sentences. Semicolons are all over the place, so I'm assuming you really like to use them. That's fine, but keep in mind that it's still ONE sentence that is being broken up by a semicolon, which can be daunting to read.

If you need any other help PM me.

Edit: just realized you posted a new version. I think I made some different edits though, so hopefully you find them helpful.

User avatar
WannaGo
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2011 3:12 pm

Re: Back from the drawing board! Feedback PLEASE! :)

Postby WannaGo » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:07 pm





Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.